Defining Moments of My Life
Randy/the night I almost got raped

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Randy/the night I almost got raped
o6.o9.o2 2:47 a.m.

it was the weekend before the weekend before I left for my first year of college (Coker College, South Carolina). The week leading up to this weekend was sad, yet exciting because my friends Randy and Matt were moving away. Sad cuz, well, they were moving. And exciting because me and Randy had really bonded that week and it was the first time in our friendship, except for the very begining, where he hadn't been dating anybody. So this was different, especially since the first time we hung out he and I almost ended up fooling around but I was too drunk and nervous and he was too cute and it was too cold and he was distracted by his best friend nearly making out with my best friend and then the bed broke and my mom woke up and they ran out the window they climbed in two hours earlier... that was saturday and by monday he was dating some girl named anjii, that's right angie spelled all "kewl". so then we became friends and then I took him hostage in my depressed/suicidal adventures for a year and then we became regular friends again except I couldnt stand to be around him and not HAVE him, to be just friends was like an insult and anyway he couldnt stand being around me cuz I was the one that told him Cobain was dead and he thought I was talking about his best friend (named Curt) and flipped out, then REALLY flipped out when he realized it was Kurt Cobain and he says anytime I call him he expects me to tell him someone's dead... I also spited him cuz he kept saving me from suicide attempts and he'd follow me home just to make sure I got there. I was really evil to him. so anyway forward to the end of the summer of 95, he and anjii have split up and I'm helping them move all week, like staying for dinner with the folks that sort of thing and something's been building all week, there's this tension that wasnt there before and we're having these great conversations and I'm pretty much in love with him by Friday afternoon... about the time he hurts his back and oh no he remembers how well I give massages... and then Curt comes in and so I'm massaging these two hot motherfuckers and then Randy's all like "hey Curt, we really got everything done for the day so why dont you just head home" and Curt's all like "wtf??" and Randy gives him this look like, "um duh I thought we talked about this before..." so Curt leaves and then randy and I are totally alone, I mean there's nothing in this house but the two of us, no furniture or appliances or boxes or bags no sodas, NOTHING but the two of us and he starts talking about why didnt I way back when that night they snuck over, why didnt I "do" anything with him and I'm like "dude I was playing with your ears and stuff what the hell do you expect me to do, rip off all our clothes and get freaky??" and he was like "well... yes..." like asking a question almost and I was just stunned cuz I'd been fretting about it all week, whether he could like me in that way, whether he always smiled at me like that etc..... so anyway I didnt say anything cuz what does a scared as hell insecure self-loathing virgin say to a confession like that from someone like that.... a while later he said that it's gonna be so hard to part, that he's moving to the city (Columbus) and I'm going way down to South Carolina and we're hardly gonna see each other (as we only saw each other biweekly at the most living in the same town) and he was implying that a going away special occaision night was at hand, that he didn't expect anything from me but would welcome anything from me, ya know what I mean here right... so then it's pretty much agreed on that we're both spending the night there alone together and whatever happens happens.... I took a shower while Randy was supposed to be picking up dinner, we'd eat picnic style on the living room floor. He had blankets and pillows in his car from staying at the house all week. So I'm taking my time in the shower, and believe me one of the reasons I hate showers is because of this night... so I finally get done primping cuz I'm pretty sure I was going to have sex with him, even now knowing how many times I'd chickened out on losing my virginity I'm pretty sure I would have gone through with it with Randy. Anyway I ALMOST said outloud, "I hope you remembered to pick up some condoms." like I was getting ready to say this as I was coming down the stairs but then I heard him talking to someone and at first I thought it was him on the phone but then I remembered it had already been turned off and packed and moved so I'm "lucky" I didn't say anything and I'm lucky I was dressed and everything cuz on the floor was Randy and Curt and Curt's twin sister Cris, who just happens to be Randy's first and longest lasting girlfriend, the girl he lost his virginity to, the one that left him alone and crying to run away with some ROTC fuck. So she was back in town, and Randy was an available man.... and she was leaning against him and they were laughing and acting like nothing bad had ever happened between them at all and have you ever known your whole future in one second...? well I knew what was going to happen even before Randy could say "Oh, Joey, you're still here??" and have I ever forgiven him for saying that, yes, but only out of that self-loathing I mentioned earlier.... And Curt says that they are all going to the movies and then says he knows I'm probably broke and usually there'd be a way for me to go anyway but not on this particular night, and Randy isnt looking at me at all he wont look me in the eye and Cris is like hey the movie starts in 20 minutes we'd better get going and I'm not even to the bottom of the stairs yet and they're on their way out the door and Cris has got Randy's arm and is saying "Our parents went away this weekend, we're thinking of throwing a party tonight, you can even spend the night like old times" and it was like that part in The Crow (the book) where Eric's remembering his girl and the crow is all like "yeah stick the knife in, deeper, ok, now twist it, yeah I bet that feels good dont it Eric..." and there's times in my life where I think of that quote and I hear the crow in my head saying "ok, now twist it" cuz it really is unbelievable how bad my life can get... so anyway before I can even THINK really, he's totally gone and then anger sets in, slowly this time usually it just consumes me like I'm engulfed in it but not this time, it had to sink in... and it did sink in the whole long, wet walk home. of course it'd start raining, I mean why the fuck would it not rain on me on this night... so I get home and I'm just, I cant even remember or guess what I was thinking, so I get there and I take a shower cuz I was cold from the rain and I'd taken the shortcut and gotten muddy but mostly cuz the bathroom was the only door in the house with a lock and I had to take a shower to not raise suspicions about why I was in the bathroom so long.... then my brother knocks and keeps knocking and finally I answer him cuz I think he's yelling "phone" and it might be randy... yeah right... but I'm pretty sure he's saying "phone, it's randy" and then its only a different friend, Brandy and shes at her boyfriends and his moms gone for the weekend and angela's there and a few other people and there's booze and did I wanna come over, no one has a car I'd have to walk then two hours later I wake up beside the road in a soaking muddy ditch and I cant remember why I was asleep there (this happened to me a lot the summer through december of 95) and I had gotten lost taking a "shortcut" through the woods cuz it was dark and raining and it was the first time I'd walked that trail so I finally find the right apartment, its in subdivision hell.... and I get there looking like the toxic avenger or the creature from the black lagoon or something except I got two cleans spots where the tears been goin down... and they all just look at me like I dont know what and I'm just like shut the fuck up I got lost in the woods but Brandy can tell theres something else wrong with me as I've started to scratch my arm through to the blood vessels and then her watch dings and shes like oops gotta take my meds and she pulls out all the crazy shit her parents had her on, prozac, birth control and then she had some sort of muscle relaxer. well when I saw those, hell yeah I ripped the bottle out of her hand and got as many of those horse pill motherfuckers down before anyone got the bottle away from me and Brandy was no average sized girl, nono she was the hope of the varsity basketball team a 6 foot 4 giant amazon girl so these muscle relaxers were just about the right strength for a real horse.... then I see the jack, "hell yeah!" down whatevers left in the bottle which unfortunatly wasnt enough... and then I decide to take ANOTHER shower oh you'd think I would have learned a lesson oh no so I get out of this one all sparkly clean and muscle-relaxered up and theres just one person left in the whole place, Angela's cousin Philip whom I didnt recognize cuz he'd been away in the Marines getting all hot n sexy. I hadnt seen him since he was a geeky 16 and even then he was sorta cute but he'd already been with more girls at 16 then most guys have their whole lives so there was no way I would have dated him. back then he was good for drum lessons though so we had gotten a bit close as friends so now he's all like "geeze you dont look THAT bad, everyone said you'd blimped out" and right after I mean I didnt even have time to process these two statements as being two separate statements he says "what the hell happened to all your hair?" and emmediately I remember Randy cuz two things he'd said to me back to back like that only a few hours earlier were "hey, you're getting muscular, toned up" and then "I miss your hair so much, it was so beautiful. Don't worry, it'll grow back" this was so much the same yet almost opposites too... and Philip's looking at me in the same way Randy was all week, only with Philip I felt like I was prey like he was stalkin me with his eyes. With Randy it wasn't like that. So I'm all fruity on the pills & jack and vengeful at Randy and here's the perfect specimen of Man-whore, I mean who better to lose your virginity to then a manwhore, right.... It was all spite, to ruin myself like that, a better way to get back at Randy than suicide would have been. So Philip's flirting and I flirt back and things get heated and oh jeeze his back hurts too so there's another massage only the floor's uncomfortable lets move into the bedroom etc etc and when the time came to have sex, when "there was nothing left to do" but have sex, I chickened out. I just could not do it, even though I wanted to, my body completely shut down. It's done this before, my body / subconsious knows me too well, I've rescued myself a few times this way... and when he tried to get other things from me I wouldn't do that either and this is where he lost patience because he'd gone down on me TWICE and I wouldn't reciprocate and I was starting to go mental in one of my arguing with myself twicthing pulling my hair out kind of fits and he was really losing patience and was telling me so and then he slapped me and I knew enough was enough to get the fuck out of there and I got to my pile of clothes and almost out the door before he jumped on top of me... insert hollywood defending yourself against a rape fight scene here... and it ended up with me getting to the bathroom sloshing bleach in his eyes and then slamming his head against the toilet a few times and then slamming the lids down on his face a few more times than that until this voice in my head I've heard it before and since, I'm not sure whose voice it is... said "Joey, stop, now!" and I did and it was just this bloody mess on the toilet seat and I got dressed and got the fuck out of there and slept in Randy's garage and I still had specks of blood on my hand when Randy got there in the morning and then his step dad and brother showed up right after that and asked if I wanted to come down to the city to help unpack and I could tell Randy didnt want me to go so I said sure why not and rode with him.... We stopped at Mcdonalds for breakfast and I asked for an orange juice, he says "wont that mess with your ulcer?" cuz when I was born I wasnt finished and there was stuff not together and my stomach/small intestine had hurniated so I had surgery on that when I was a baby and the scar tissue that formed on my duodenum was so thick that the tissue next to it was weak and thats what ulcerated, all around that scar and at this time in my life the ulcer was just getting bad like I'd only puked blood once up to this point.... so anyway I answer Randy "like you care, and make it a large..." the next thing I say to him we're on old state route 315, winds around by the olentangy river, nice old back road very suicidal road, no guard rails, crazy curves I usually drive it goin 60 to 70 always at night, sometimes with no headlights on.... so we're on this beautiful road and I say to him "I let some guy go down on me last night, TWICE" and it takes him a while cuz he's fucking shocked and also he's gotta figure out if I'm making this up or not cuz I used to make up shit like call him and say "4:15 train's coming, can you get me off the tracks in time" and then not be there, (yes I am capable of that level of evil) but he realized I WAS telling the truth cuz I have this in-your-face way of telling the truth like when someone says to me "so what'd ya do last night" I'll actually say to them "well I overdosed on heroin and died but I was resusitated in time for X-Files so it's all good" and they'll say "right, oh kayyy" but people who know me, who know my limits and know I dont have any, they know what's fact.... and Randy figured it out, so he finally says "some guy??" "yeah, he's a Marine" and he flips out "A Marine! You gave your virginity to a jarhead??" and I say "I didn't say I had sex..." and he's like "well oral sex is close enough" and I say "yeah you tell me when oral sex has ever been close enough for you" and he doesnt say anything for a while and I'm loving every minute of it "I thought you wanted it special..." and my classic line (I say this a lot, mostly out of disgust, like in this situation) "yeah, well, whatever..." and he huffs cuz he's just fucken flabergasted that I would turn on my moral heels like that and how he didnt think I was capable of doing something like that blah blah he was talking to me like he was my father or something like he actually asked if "my Marine" had any condoms on him and I sosososo wanted to answer "no, I didn't have a chance get any from you before you left last night" but I'm sure he needed them more than me, right? so I didnt say anything and he went on about how stupid I had been and that guys like that (like what?) dont take no for an answer and thats why hes having such a hard time believing any of this happened at all cuz he knows I wouldnt have sex with a stranger first of all and second a guy like that wouldnt just give up oral sex and be ok with nothing in return and I almost broke down and told him about what happened and I couldnt possibly do that cuz then he would be right and I would just be ruined goods... so I looked out my window and he looked out his for another 40 minutes until we got to his new house on the south side of the city. I've only seen him about five times since then. He had the nerve to invite me to his wedding, his bride was my exact opposite. I wore Converse. He was pissed! But probably not as pissed as when he found out I'd been scoring h for his little brother, I wish I could have seen his face....


Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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About Me
I am a bipolar genius, child abuse & addiction survivor, who is now a single mother who works 70 hours a week and has had gastric-bypass weight loss surgery a year ago. Wish me luck cuz I need it!!!

Examples of My Insanity
Dead On Mental Health Quiz
Tuna Noodle Casserole Story
Explaining Myselves
Biting Off Redneck's Finger
Got So Crazy Scratched Til I Bled
How I Found Nirvana
Leaving Lon After 7 Years
Bad Luck On 3 July 4ths
Random Craziness (FBI Please Disregard)
How I Ended Up A Junky
Almost Getting Raped by a Marine
Typical Weekend in Ohio
How Cobain Saved My Life


How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?


AFTER


WHAT'S MY NAME?!?