Defining Moments of My Life
my mental health the fall of 95/footnote on Pike

**REGISTER TO VOTE ONLINE!** **SIGN DARFUR ACTION PETITION HERE!!**




my mental health the fall of 95/footnote on Pike
o6.o5.o2 2:45 a.m.

ok I got to college. don't ask me how but I did. it was supposed to be this prestigious, award winning liberal arts school, the best in the south. well, for the south I guess it was pretty good, but I had never been to The South before. It was a huge culture shock. And I had to go through making friends again.... But I REALLY enjoyed living alone. Even if my mind was slowly deteriorating and no one was around to notice. I started arguing with god again, only worse cuz I had nothing to argue with him about and the thunderstorms were more powerful in south carolina so I'd have more arguments (only talked with god when it'd rain) and I got into this I have a purpose, that's why I'm not dead when I really should be dead, I was born dead for chrissakes why aren't I dead oh it must mean I have a meaning, things have a purpose and there is reason to all the pain and suffering in my life in the world... yeah ok... so what did god want of me? to not eat meat, to stay a virgin, to blow myself up at midnight 2000 after reading a manifesto that he'd help me write and I needed to find 23 helpers to read the same manifesto and blow themselves up at midnight in the biggest city of each time zone, to learn about past religions and how they went wrong so ok I stopped eating, took a bunch of religion classes read up on c4 the lost books of the bible and actually tried to teach myself aramaic so I could read the bible "uncorrupted" and I started cutting myself again only I got artistic with it doing designs and then getting fancy doilies and imprinting the bloody designs on them, framing them, then I met this guy Pike online and he was needy and talked to me like I wasnt nuts and he said he loved me and I dont think I said it back but maybe, maybe I was that lonely too, & his name was Randy (#3) so maybe I did and then when I didnt check my mail for a day there were 200 messeges from him and they got more and more psycho and finally he'd send me graphic sex stuff and I stopped writing him then he was saying he was going to rape me that raping a virgin would be even better and all this fucked up shit about me being so high and mighty cuz I was a virgin and then he disapeared off the net and it was all weird anyway cuz he was mailing me from suffolk.co.lib which I figured out to be suffolk county library but he said he was at school, NYU, then it changed he was at home, and originally I had wanted to call him or get his addy to send a letter and he wouldnt let me so we never exchanged addy's but then one night I got a call from the police, suffolk county sheriff and my name and number were written out a million times on randy pike's science folder and he's disapeared, who was I, what was I doing emailing a 15 year old mental patient... um he told me he was a 19 year old NYU student.... no I didnt know he had been in a mental hospital... I explained the whole story so they didnt think i was luring him or anything, I forwarded them the fucked up emails he sent me and theyd got on his computer and got his emails I'd sent so then when they called me back his parents had questions and I talked to them for a while and they mentioned something about a thanksgiving dinner suicide attempt, I never knew details but always assumed Pike had tried to shoot himself at the dinner table on thanksgiving, like right when it was his turn to give thanks. Now this impressed me and if he would have just said "hey I'm a 15 yr old mental patient I'm thinking of shooting myself at thanksgiving dinner, I need a friend" I would have been a friend. what a great way to shoot yourself, at thanksgiving dinner, in front of the whole family, when its your turn to say thanks... incredible... if this was the case then I'd assume that he missed his heart and ended up blowing off part of his shoulder... doh... yeah so then the next day I get a phone call and its Pike and he says "If I were at the bus station the next town over would you come pick me up?" and it sounded so despret and lonely and thinking on it now I should have but he talked about raping me and thats a story I havent gotten to yet and the police said he was 6 foot 3, black hair green eyes, goatee, didnt look 15 and that would have gotten me in trouble and so I said "Call me back in 15 minutes, let me see what I can do" Darlington was the closest city to my college that had a greyhound station... I called his parents and told them and I guess they called the police or whatever and had them get Pike. He never called back. I ran into him online about a year later, he called me a bitch and wouldnt talk to me. anyway this really fucked with me cuz in the beginning we really hit it off even though I knew I wasnt allowed any sex or physical relationships cuz of the god stuff. Plus just the relationship part, I still hadnt had a boyfriend, had only kissed a couple guys, and the suicide attempt, he tried to shoot himself and I had just gotten my Walther 357. I was really goin nuts. I'd have the air conditioning set to frigid in my room and I'd have in utero on endless repeat and I'd just repeat my mantra "umnum shevai tomekai" and try to figure out if god really wanted me to blow myself up new years 2000 or if I was just fucking mental and I was leaning to the just fucken mental side cuz I really didnt wanna blow myself up, not for any god anyway. and I slept with a loaded gun, and it was so powerful holding that thing, it was like being a man, having a dick, better than that, I had a GUN.... and then one night I decided I needed a break, I would allow myself one luxury. I scrounged up some money to go to the movies, it was a nice theatre with real old style velvet bucket seats, and it was a Brad Pitt movie, one I hadn't heard of or seen previews for but anything with Brad Pitt and Velvet seats couldn't go wrong... right? except that the movie was SEVEN and I left in a total state of shock, totally delusional and thinking ok god wants me to kill others... and this is when I started scratching myself again, back in 94 when I grew my nails out for the prom I went nuts one night just thinking and absentmindedly scratching my arm until it was bleeding.... well I tried to grow them out again before college and the same thing happened but never as bad as this time and I was walking around the college, its surrounded by cobblestone streets and I'm barefoot I dont know where my shoes went and I'm scratching and scratching and scratching my collarbone and I can feel my own layers of skin goin fast and its just bloody meat by the time I get to my dorm and the door code has been changed and they didnt tell me the new combination so I sleep on the hill of the outdoor mini-ampitheatre and wake up totally bewildered in the morning not remembering anything.....


Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

last :: next
About Me
I am a bipolar genius, child abuse & addiction survivor, who is now a single mother who works 70 hours a week and has had gastric-bypass weight loss surgery a year ago. Wish me luck cuz I need it!!!

Examples of My Insanity
Dead On Mental Health Quiz
Tuna Noodle Casserole Story
Explaining Myselves
Biting Off Redneck's Finger
Got So Crazy Scratched Til I Bled
How I Found Nirvana
Leaving Lon After 7 Years
Bad Luck On 3 July 4ths
Random Craziness (FBI Please Disregard)
How I Ended Up A Junky
Almost Getting Raped by a Marine
Typical Weekend in Ohio
How Cobain Saved My Life


How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?


AFTER


WHAT'S MY NAME?!?