**REGISTER TO VOTE ONLINE!** **SIGN DARFUR ACTION PETITION HERE!!**

---

ok there were three years in a row where I got pulled over on the July 4 holiday (or the day they happened to hold the fireworks). The first time was the night Ducher was threatening to kill the Jewish officer while Neil was calling the other cop a faggot. The next year (99) I got pulled over on my way to pick up the gang and see the fireworks. I was carrying the "party supplies" inside my Darth Maul cup-topper that was hot-glued to my dash. He was "the keeper of the stash". Immediately the cop said "OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE DARTH MAUL!!! That's the ONLY Phantom Menace merchandise I haven't gotten for my son! I've never been able to find a Darth Maul cup! It would be so nice if I came home tonight with a Darth Maul cup topper for my son...." and the whole time I'm making up excuses for why I'm not giving him my topper in order to get out of my ticket, and the whole convo is fucked up cuz we both know that the cop's dash cam is goin and recording our actions, whatever it was fucking hilarious cuz the only reasons I could come up with for not handing over Darth Maul were that I liked him, and red n black were my favorite colors. weak yes, but the picture of a five year old twitching on the floor with two ten-strips of double dipped hangin out the corners of his mouth was enough incentive to hang onta ole Darth. actually that picture in my mind almost pursueded me to give up Darth... ha! Me, give up drugs? Sheah, right! the cop thought I was a fucking idiot not to give up the cup "I dont think you understand what I mean, I would REALLY APPRECIATE IT if I could give my son a Darth Maul cup topper" and I'm like "No I totally understand, I just REALLY REALLY like Darth Maul!" anyway you really should buy my comics cuz I did strips on both these stories. ok getting back to being pulled over on July 4th, the next year (2000) I was taking people home to Delaware, the county north of Columbus. I had rolled a stop sign and gotten pulled over. Turns out I was driving on a suspended license and I wasn't aware of it. I had forgotten to mail in my proof of insurance when I paid a ticket, (prolly the one I got for not handing over Darth Maul...) and my license was suspended and I was driving on it like that for a very long time. Well they ended up arresting me and I spent the night in jail. Now county jail is no place to be for a "petty criminal" on the July 4th holiday. They had no room in holding for me so I had to sit on the floor in the admissions room until enough men were processed to get them to be able to give me my own holding cell (men and women kept separate but I was the only woman brought in that night) the corrections officers were WAYYY fucking pissed off that I was brought in on something like that, especially on a hopping night as July 4. anyway I soon became the butt of many jokes and I was able to fool around back at them for a while without getting into trouble. The guy taking my mug shot and entering my description into the computer was funny, he put down my NIRVANA logo tattoo as an identifiable mark and asked if I had any other rock stars on my body and I said "yeah, I wish!" then he laughed and said "you know he's dead don't you..." and I said "wouldn't matter, I'd still do him!" dude flipped out a little then I asked him for a copy of my mug shots. he said he wasnt allowed to do that and I'm like "come on all you gotta do is press print, come on, do it... click the button man..." and he's asking me why I want to have them so bad and I said so I can put them on my webpage, too funny so he finally gets stern with me and I'm like hey what about that freedom of info act, dont you have to give them to me if I ask and he said I'd have to get them from the courthouse and pay a fee. never did get them but I need to, huh? So it was jokes like that the whole time I was being processed and then I happened to look up on the back wall and holy shit this thing fucken stopped my heart it was a full body restraint, all in VERY thick black leather, dozens of straps coming off of something that looked like a cross but it was covered in the thick black leather too and it was all strappy and buckles and studded and shit, you're arms would be splayed out crusifix style to the backboard but your legs would be spread out hanging off the back board and then there was this long black rod, I assume it was to keep the legs spread apart, it was fucken HOT!!!! it had a rubber ball gag type thingy and just fucken everything oh man! so I flip-the-fuck-out hardcore and I yell "Yo, what do I gotta do to get put into that!!!" and the guy was like "what???!!!!" and I'm like "I'm fucken serious, do I need to throw down and have a seisure or like jump one of you guys or something? Start bangin my head against the wall?? Just tell me what I gotta do...." and he's like "ok, we're finding you a cell, you just got way too weird for me!" and the other guy was like "I really think she's serious!" like he was flipped out. The only person not weirded out was the dyke-officer, yeah she was grinnin at me.... 15 minutes later she was watching me undress and feelin up my tits and throwing de-lousing powder on me in the shower. that wasn't so much fun. On my way back through I asked the first guy if there was some sort of catalogue I could get from them that had that stuff in it... if I had to be a cop to get the catalogue.... Dude didnt answer me. that restraining device was fucking awesome I'm all excited just thinking about it!! anyway I got bailed out in the morning and court was later that week, showed my proof of insurance and was free to go....

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

last :: next