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well to let everyone know just how much of an asshole Lon is... after I wrote that entry about him, I wasn't even mean ya know, I was chatting with esherrill and Lon is insanely jealous of him. Rightly so, I suppose. But how long have I been saying that it was over, that love is a myth and I cant pretend anymore?? How long have I been saying to him "You know once I get my settlement I'm leaving here..." I didnt know I had to word it "I'm leaving YOU" I figure he's smart enough to figure that out. He has said that I cry wolf too much, that when I say I'm going to killmyself everyday for years and years, or recently its changed to leaving, just totally disappearing from everyone I know in my physical life, leave without a trace... I say it all the time and he says he doesnt believe me, that it wont happen cuz it would have by now, why didnt I leave him sooner.... He's allowed to fuck other girls, he just doesnt have the confidance to ask them out... he doesnt have the confidance to get on with his life. I have brought nothing but pain and humiliation to him, why would he want to stay?? He's not in love with me... he's just comfortable. The typical Cancer, no matter how shitty the home life is, it's still HOME. Well he definitely took "Till Death Do Us Part" to the extreme this morning. I mean this was a worst fight scene than in the movies. Just as violent but worse, cuz he says he loves me. He actually was choking me so hard that something cracked and I went limp from it. He pulled back immediately and started crying, saying I make him do these things to me!! He fucked me up big time, and I left. I can get my settlement at any PO Box in the country.... I can work a shitty $8 an hour factory job in ANY city.... I can be miserable ANYWHERE, and I can be miserable ALONE, it doesn't take two to be unhappy, it doesn't take two to be poor. In fact, it's worse.... Splitting minimal resources among two instead of one. But now I am free. I am whoever the fuck I want to be, I come from wherever the fuck I want to come from. I can be normal. No one knows what happened to me, or the things Ive done to myself. And they wont know. I can go back to school, finish school ANYWHERE, live on campus ANYWHERE, and just be regular. Just blend in. Every day life will be enough for me. And you can't do shit Lon. You will not find me. You can whine all you want, threaten my online friends. But they wont know where I am either. It's not like I will be ANYWHERE anyway, I'll be EVERYWHERE. I'll be like Elvis, constantly being spotted but never verified. I've got a life to invent and live. A SIMS character come to life. You blew it asshole. Big time. You think I ever want to see your face again, after I saw that hatred in your eyes? You think I ever want to hear your voice again when all I remember of it is "You're a liar!! You're nothing but a cheap fucking slut, a nasty fucking whore!" You think I ever want to feel you again, to touch you again, to have you touch me again, after you box my ear and cut my hearing out for 4 hours... you choke me until something snaps and the next day you choke me some more... you rip my shirt up... you punch me in the face...? Those hands that supposedly love me, that voice that says it, those eyes that verify it? You think I'm ever setting foot in New York again? I am done with that state, and everybody in it. You and everyone else reading this know why I hate my family. And the two I respect enough that I would not shoot them in the face... Preston and Gramma, well... I wouldn't hesitate now. I was asking for help, from both of you!! Preston how could you sleep through something like that. and Rick? You are just plain disgusting. Fuck you all, I hope you rot in your miserable festering bodies, you are smothered alive by your lives. Mom, I really do hope that the gastric bypass works, that you actually manage to follow the diet plan (yeah right) and that you lose all the weight you could ever dream of. Cuz I'm going to be there with a gun in your fucking face the second you hit your target weight!! You are such a fucking bitch. Why cant you just fucking admit that you were a bad mother? You didnt even TRY! You fucking took three hours to get to the school when my leg was all fucked up. You didn't even take any time off work except for the day of my surgery, and then you bitched abotu how much money I was costing you. You never even asked how I was! It was ALWAYS about money. yeah so ok maybe the babysitter locked them in the basement all fucking day, but she was cheap.... And the others with their porn and snuff films and the groping and the verbal abuse yeah they were cheap too... oh lets not forget the one whose son liked to put guns in my mouth and hed say "tomorrow its gonna be my cock". And your grand moment of brilliance, your fucking shining proof of how excellent a mother you are... when Preston tells you that Robbie is trying to get him to suck his dick, you think it's just kiddie games!!! How old was Preston?? 3...4?? and how old was Robbie? 12?? What the fuck?? How much more in denial can you be?? You fucking disgust me! You have never been a mother. You do know that nobody like you right? That everything anybody eversays to you is exactly what it takes for them to get you to shut your dumb fat fucking mouth!!! I'm so fucking pissed off I cant even finish this. I'm so fucking disgusted if I open my mouth vomit will spew all over the fucking place. And Rick, oh dont even pretend you're my dad or whatever you got in your fucking mind telling you its OK to fucking try to DISCIPLINE me, to fucking tellme what to do. Its not even your house anymore asswipe. I cant believe you were smart enough to lock up your gun finally. What gave me away all the finger prints in the dust on the case, or all those times I yelled that i was going to shoot every last mother fucking one of you?? this is what Lon emailed me this morning after Rick decreed that NO ONE was allowed on the computer ever again:

>why do u talk so much shit to me when I do stuff with you...

>I didn't ask to do stuff with u....u wanted me to go...

>just cuz i didn't fuck u? yeah Lon, that's why I fucking dont love you... I'm not as shallow as all those other bitches you say no to as well. What the fuck's wrong with you? You must be a fucking faggot.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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