Defining Moments of My Life
dissecting my pyche, an explanation of myselves

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dissecting my pyche, an explanation of myselves
12.03.02 3:21 p.m.

symptoms I exhibit when depressed: I sleep a lot, am tired more, body hurts, not very talkative, talk slower, have problems putting thoughts into words and organizing thoughts in head, eat less, cry a lot, anti-social. Generally resemble a tree-sloth with TB.

symptoms I exhibit when manic: I talk a LOT, rapid speech, abrupt changes (in conversation, actions, decisions), think quicker, creativity, loud, cannot stand to be alone or inside, innaproriate maniacal laughter, snack constantly, don't need sleep, able to overlook pain, a general attitude of "I'm better than you, and you can't hurt me."

there are two of me. when I say "I", it referrs to the self I am at the point in time I used "I". It's very easy to see which self I am, though they are not opposites. it's like being a yin-yang, except both halves are black.

the manic me (the monster) is who people know the most, he's around the most, most exclusively he's the author of this diary, hardly write when I'm depressed. I call this me the monster because it's my "evil" self, (though both selves are evil, I'm sure) I want everyone to feel my hate, no one is safe, you are all potential victims, the evil, the pain is too much for me to contain, it needs to be spread, shared, absorbed by more than just one. This self is my cock & confidence and excuse for saying nasty things, being apathetic. I'm not saying I don't mean the nasty things I say, I most likely do. (I tend to believe there is no such thing as a joke, like when friends are "just messing with each other"... I don't think so.) This is the Hitler, the self that can say "all old people should be shot. all retards and cripples, those with handicaps should be killed at birth (or sooner)." This is the self that feels no guilt, has no concept of social appropriateness or manners or rules. this is the Pat Bateman. This is the angry kid who would literally kill for attention. CHAOS. ATARAXIA.

the other me, the hyper-sensitive cry-baby... I don't like her that much. whine whine whine. (though I'm sure she'd say the same thing about the big tuff guy that I am) she's hate focused in, everything is personalized and internalized, everything is an epiphany. She keeps her mouth shut hoping the evil will stay inside, that her sickness won't be contagious. This is the Stalin, before shooting those old people she'd make them write an autobiography (can't lose the knowledge), the cripples and retards can live if they are able to contribute to society, if they have a place and are functional. EVERYTHING must have a place and a function. Equality at any cost. If you don't want to share, we'll MAKE you share. ORDER OBEY BELIEVE

both selves are contradictory, always sabotaging each other.


Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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About Me
I am a bipolar genius, child abuse & addiction survivor, who is now a single mother who works 70 hours a week and has had gastric-bypass weight loss surgery a year ago. Wish me luck cuz I need it!!!

Examples of My Insanity
Dead On Mental Health Quiz
Tuna Noodle Casserole Story
Explaining Myselves
Biting Off Redneck's Finger
Got So Crazy Scratched Til I Bled
How I Found Nirvana
Leaving Lon After 7 Years
Bad Luck On 3 July 4ths
Random Craziness (FBI Please Disregard)
How I Ended Up A Junky
Almost Getting Raped by a Marine
Typical Weekend in Ohio
How Cobain Saved My Life


How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?


AFTER


WHAT'S MY NAME?!?