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I did a home pregnancy test on Tuesday the 11th and it came out with two stripes. I'm still in shock but am taking it very well. I peeked at the test earlier than the three minutes it said to wait and there were definitely two dark pink lines "EEP!" I sqeaked and covered my eyes. I made appointments for medicaid and other stuff that same day. I told my mom, who started crying, and then looked horrified and said "Hold on, you're keeping it, right?" which has been the reaction of many people I know. Just cuz Im pro-choice doesnt mean I'm pro-abortion, and besides these people obviously dont know my plans of world domination are based on an army of my clones infultrating the governments of many small nations simultaneously, and in order to do that one must spawn.... I'm only half kidding but anyway everyone was pretty cool with it, everyone but Greg. He's still in shock, and maybe he'll come around in the future but I'm certain that if I were to miscarry he would be pleased. It'll cut into his drinking time, and cost money, and money spent on baby means less money spent on beer. I figure I'll name the baby Budweiser and maybe he'll spend time with it.

He's gotten cold toward me, doing his own thing at the bar and leaving me bored as hell. He doesnt spend the night as much now and doesnt call ever, except to ask me to drive him to work. Maybe I'm being pessimistic about all this but I have a feeling he's gonna ditch me. Not right away though, my guess is in the spring when it starts being obvious I'm pregnant, then he'll SEE it besides knowing it, and you cant deny or hide from something right in your face.

I'm not OK with it, a child oughtta have two parents, espcially my kid seein Im so one sided and opinionated, etc, it'd need balance. But I'd rather have a baby and no husband than a husband and no baby. I'm pretty sure I conceived on Christmas morning only three weeks ago so I have a long time to figure things out. And like I said, maybe I'm just being negative and maybe Greg is happy about all of this, or he'll grow to accept it as the baby grows too.

A couple of bonuses, when I had my appointment with the MOMS program here in Ontario county, I found out that it doesnt just cover stuff for the baby. I figured it'd cover the ob-gyn visits, the actual birth, some vitamins or scripts... but oh no, I get full coverage, dental, vision, the works. I havent been to a dentist since 95, and it's badly needed. And also by being in that program I'm qualified for heaps of other shit, most importantly the organization that'll fix up your car so it's safe for kids to be in. Also there's another group that'll help me with a down payment on an apartment, and not some ghetto-ass section 8 bullshit either. There's a nutritionist/dietician I'll be seeing so that i can still lose weight while pregnant, and there are free aerobics stuff and mommy to be classes too. The benefits only last a year so I'm going to take advantage of everything I can. Im the only one in the family who doesnt wear glasses and if my eyes are going to go bad, it better happen in the next 12 mos.

I figure this whole thing is perfectly timed, I'll finish my degree right before giving birth, so that's a good stopping point for work, and whenever Im ready to go back I can start back with teaching. I dont want to work during the summer, I dont even wanna know what it's going to be like being 7, 8, 9 months pregnant in July, August and Sept. I already have morning sickness, I have to eat graham crackers or pretzels before I even sit up in bed. I pee all the mother fucking time and am thinking I might wear the diapers instead.... My appetite, which is already huge, has tripled. I've gained 15 pounds, which Im sure has all gone to my boobs cuz Ive gained a cup size. They hurt all the time, I cant sleep on them and Im always banging them on things. The nurse I saw yesterday said that at the rate theyve grown already, my boobs might double in size "But they're D's to begin with!" "You're in for it then." "Holy cow, I'll be able to feed 3rd world nations just by myself!"

But under all the happiness and yadda yadda, there are feelings of loss, or bad timing or something, like this is some consolation prize life cuz I fucked it all up the first time around, for example like me having a nice cat now but not as nice as the cat I had that died while I was in rehab, etc... feelings along those lines. Anyway, those feelings only come up when I'm looking in the wrong direction. (Supertramp's "Goodbye Stranger" --"and I will go on shining, shining like brand new, if I never look behind me my troubles will be few.") So anyway, I need to pee again and get some sleep.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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