Defining Moments of My Life
introductions

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introductions
o6.o2.oo/o5.29.o2 20:48:02

I just set this up. I don't know what it's going to look like yet. My other journal was taking up too much space on my webpage. don't really have anything to say today. Maybe I'll start over, keep this journal separate from the other. I dunno.

anyway I guess I should introduce myself but really you can get the gist from my profile and the diary description. I was born in November of 77. I lived in upstate NY till I moved to Ohio the summer before high school. I've been suicidal since I was 8. I was abused in every sense of the word by many different people. All of my baby sitters were abusers in some way. My mom says I should get over it that it wasnt her fault. She's a dumb bitch that I will most likely shoot in the face one day. I'm bipolar. I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian something or other) which is when my eggs are empty like bubbles and they pop/explode and really hurt sometimes. I also believe that I have "empty tursica" its when your hypothalmus is dried up and shriveled like a raisin. there's no real way to prove this theory but basicly I lack essential body chemicals. I dont feel sleepy, or hungry, I cant tell when I have to pee unless my kidneys start to hurt, I never get used to things, I have uncontrolable anger, I cant cope when things happen and I freak out a lot.... pretty much the only natural chemical my body produces correctly is adreniline (see "Beating Up Rednecks"). I play the drums but not as well as I used to or as well as I ought to cuz I also have a birth defect affecting my hinge joints, the cartilige isnt formed right and my hinge joints arent held together too well. I've had knee surgeries. The worst one was when I was just getting off crutches and I was "forced" to play gym even though I said I wasnt ready and my body went one way and my leg went the other and there were bones and blood and knee caps all over the football field... back on crutches and more surgeries and I missed school until after thanksgiving where I said "hey god, if I'm not walking by thanksgiving I'm swallowing a bullet" and I was walking the next week and that was the end of my relationship with god.... the whole time I was sittin on my butt popping pain pills and eating ice cream trying to figure out how many pain pills it'd take for someone like me to OD on. I've tried to kill myself 116 times, not counting all the times I shot up, which if you've ever banged heroin is pretty much like a suicide attempt every time you do it.... I've been clinicly dead 5 times and have been resusitated/brought back to life. I'm begining to think I'm immortal. I live my life like I'm immortal, yet also with an urgency like I could die at any moment. I managed to stay alive and graduate high school in 95 which I never thought I'd be able to do. My first college was Coker down in Hartsville SC, that was for 1 year, then I went to france the next fall, then I met and moved in with my internet boyfriend in Wisconsin that spring, then we moved back to Ohio, then to the city (Columbus) I did a year of Americorps, started school at the community college, started working with Jake, a severly autistic boy, then I got "help" for my bipolar disorder which fucked me all up cuz the meds took away my super powers.... then I transferred to OSU and my grades fell through the toilet, then I went off meds and became a junkie, that lasted a year then it was rehab last november, left that and stayed clean for two months then I used for two months and now I'm "clean" where I use whenever I'm in ohio, which is about every other weekend. when I get all my shit moved to NY I'll stop going to ohio and the drugs should cease. They really aren't fun anymore (since they killed me) and I really need some new friends and hobbies that dont involve self destruction. continued


Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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About Me
I am a bipolar genius, child abuse & addiction survivor, who is now a single mother who works 70 hours a week and has had gastric-bypass weight loss surgery a year ago. Wish me luck cuz I need it!!!

Examples of My Insanity
Dead On Mental Health Quiz
Tuna Noodle Casserole Story
Explaining Myselves
Biting Off Redneck's Finger
Got So Crazy Scratched Til I Bled
How I Found Nirvana
Leaving Lon After 7 Years
Bad Luck On 3 July 4ths
Random Craziness (FBI Please Disregard)
How I Ended Up A Junky
Almost Getting Raped by a Marine
Typical Weekend in Ohio
How Cobain Saved My Life


How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?


AFTER


WHAT'S MY NAME?!?