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I've been mega depressed lately. Usually the mania would have rescued me by now but it hasn't. I need a serious pick-me-up... too bad I'm so heavy.... Weed always affects me, but it's never made me this much of a downer before. I guess it's just really good weed, and I have been stoned pretty much all the time, since a couple tuesdays ago (my piss test). As usual, things have gone sour since my last fit of optimism: Lon was supposed to work opposite days as me and I liked that arrangement cuz it gets him outta my hair during the evenings. But now they have him on the same shift as me so it backfired, now I dont even get away from him at work... now working 12 hour shifts isnt as consoling.... And my paycheck didnt show today, and Lons unemployment check is over a week late... and we're getting pretty hungry; it was angel hair and ketchup tonight. its not even worth it to try to cook, to eat anything anymore. It doesnt matter cuz I scarf a few bites and it hurts too much after that. oh there are porterhouses in the freezer but they arent mine and even though i dotn give a fuck about what I do with strangers, or what strangers think of me, it seems I'm way to obsessed with what people I know think of me and as tough as I am, as independant and free thinking and in your face or whatever other front I put up, I still let people I know walk all over me, I still give too much, I'm so self-less that I am self less... yeah Im a commie but I still gotta have some concept of self, right? maybe at least until I can find something worth being assimilated into... besides death. fuck I dont even have suicide to look forward to anymore... blah blah blah "this is out of my reach and I've grown... this is getting to be drone..."

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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