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well I havent had an entry in a while, a real entry anyway. been pretty busy throwing my life up in the air to see what kind of pretty pictures it makes when it lands. "huh?" you say. "Yeah," I reply "something like that."

Lon and I have reached an agreement. Or at least, i have reached an agreement.... To me the relationship is over, we haven't related to each other in years anyway. "That whole heroin thing", that was the cherry on top -or rather, the nail in the coffin. But to him, I think he thinks we are still together, (which is easy to think that seeing we still sleep in the same bed still do things together etc) and we've just got an open relationship now. We've always had an open relationship though, where I could do whatever I wanted, (except fuck other people) and he could do whatever he wanted (except he never did). Yeah it was the double-standards that drove me nuts. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him anymore, he kinda knew this seeing I haven't fucked him in a while.... He still tries though, and its gotten silly really, but he's not to the pathetic stage yet I guess. Right now its just lots of "You look pretty today" ass-kissing and "You know you want me, you can't hold out forever...". I don't think he's told me I looked pretty in two years! As for holding out, I've held out longer.... Hell when we were in "that whole heroin thing" we went months without having sex (cuz certain sex organs stop working, the heroin takes care of the whole sex thing for you anyway, you don't need or want it). So anyway he's not being hardly an asshole as of late, I'm hoping its due to the agreement and not the nice bag of nugs I found for him. Things are ok right now, though I feel he's trying to undermind my attempts at a diet and exercise program. I need to turn it around against him though, and use it as fuel to turn all my energy into kinetic instead of potential.

Eric and I have gone a step further it seems. Our relationship is still unclassified, without label or definition, which is what i think both of us want. Even though I think it's because both of us are too insecure to dive head first and hearts exposed into this, because we've both jumped into empty pools before.... He and Kris, a net-fling-turned-"real life"-part-time-girlfriend, have broken up, hopefully for good. He worries that if he sees her he might "fall back in love too easily", yet he claims to not even belive in love anyway, even though, like myself, I'm sure he says that so that he doesn't have to say THAT... because saying THAT changes things, and really until I have the resources to seriously change things (my location for starters) there's no sense in changing things right now. I like things right now. Things are fun right now. But I'm a worrier too, I've been spoiled by the codependance of lon, knowing I could do pretty much anything including break his heart and he still wouldn't leave me.... And now it's different, having the fear of rejection, of being second best, and especially second best to an inferior at that. He says things are over with her so I've got to trust that they are. And I do, I trust.... There's just this feeling, that I'm going to end up alone, and not by choice. I've always believed that things always work out for the best, or really that you've got to find the good in all bad, take the best and leave the rest. Thats what I feel like I'm doing now with my life actually, taking the best, leaving the rest.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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