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I just don't feel like I'm a priority. I don't have to be in the number one spot (though using my definition of love, I should be), it'd still be nice to be in the top three.... I wish you wouldn't say things, or promise things, and then not come through with them. My whole life has been unfulfilled promises. It's worse than not getting anything at all. At least I wouldn't have false hope. And you know I don't like "Things", and I have a problem asking for "Things"... so when I do say that I'd like something, then it must mean an awful lot to me for me to first of all want it and secondly to have the nerve to ask for it/feel I deserve it enough to ask for it/buy it if I have the $.... And then to bring all this up makes me feel greedy, or that I'm using you. And that's bullshit. Realistically, besides my plane ticket, you haven't spent much on me, I don't cost you that much and I'm pretty sure I earn my keep. Fuck, look at all the shit you gave/give Lisa, and she didn't even suck your dick! I'm still wearing rags. All my clothes either have blood stains and/or holes in them. I can only imagine the extent of the wardrobe Lisa must have. I'm not asking for houses and jewels, here.... And it seems to me like I"m some great burden to you. I didnt ask for anything special for my birthday. I wanted Chuck e Cheese and the new Nirvana cd. But if you say you're gonna make it the best birthday ever then it better be, and if you say we're going to Tool then we'd better be and if you say we're getting a kitty then I'd better fucking get a cat and if you say we're going to Renfest, we'd better go.... If you say you love me, then you'd better love me. I don't want promises, I want actions... it's NOT the thought that counts. That's bullshit. So many people out there thinking up great ideas they never tell anybody about, people need to get some initiative, follow through. That's why I don't feel all that bad for when people do horrendously bad things (Hitler, Stalin, Osama) they're DOING something, standing up for what they believe in, doing something important, causing change, impacting.... Yes they may bat for the wrong team but I still respect a good show (NOT promise) of effort. I'm sorry if you think I'm high maintenance. You said you've read my diary a couple times all the way through so you got no reason to think that, you were warned... you knew what you were getting yourself into. You're expecting too much out of me. I'm slacking?? what the fuck do you want out of me?

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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