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So here's what happened last night:

I flipped out. Eric admitted he was planning on fucking some girl in Austin 2 weekends from now. This girl would have flown down here (paying her own way) to fuck him. She has relatives in Austin she could stay with. When I asked what he was planning on doing with me that weekend he said "You'd probably be passed out drunk..." That he'd let me get so drunk that I'd fall asleep in the car while he fucked some bitch. He didn't have all the details worked out, obviously. I have never in my life passed out drunk, and only once in the last 8 months have I been so drunk that his scheme might have worked. He also admitted that he's been actively searching for someone to cheat with for a long time, and has had phone conversations with some women. He brought up some shit about me not changing and I'm still the same as when I got here. The 30 pounds I lost in the last 7 weeks isn't change? The drinking and drugging that has been a major part of my life for the past 10 years has stopped, but I guess that isn't change either. Eric also admitted that he secretly wishes I'd kill myself, and that he also thought how easy it would be to kill me and make it look like I killed myself. After doing what Eric called "trashing the house" (which if you ask Lon or my brother or anyone else who has wittnessed one of my real rampages, a tipped over chair and a couple thrown objects doesn't come anywhere near "trashing") we talked for a while. Basically I need to look prettier, he wants me to wear nice clothes and have my hair done even at home. He says I don't do enough work around the house. He says I don't work enough outside the house. He says sometimes he's sexually attracted to me and sometimes he's not. He says I can stay here until I can afford to move out. He says he'd like that to be sooner rather than later but if I'm not working for pay until November that's OK. He said I have options like the women's shelter or some of my good friends at NA. I don't have any good friends ANYWHERE, much less the jesus-freak crackheads in NA. He said he'd fly me back home to NY if I wanted. I don't have a home ANYWHERE, much less in NY. I'm 150 hours from completing my AmeriCorps service. I'm 3 months away from having Texas residency, if I move out of state I will have to wait ANOTHER year to finish school. Houston isn't that expensive and though I'll only be making about $800 a month take home when I do start that job that's still enough to live on I guess. There are AC members that bring home less than that who live on their own. But this won't be till November, or really the beginning part of December, or whenever the girl I'm replacing goes on maternity leave/goes into labor. Until then I am to be perfect, and am supposed to pretend like I don't want to pour butane all over Eric and watch his flesh get all crispy like bacon.... But he says "Who knows, maybe after November when you'll have lost a lot more weight and will be making money everything might be OK then...." Yes, he really is THAT shallow.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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