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I wish Lon would quit causing everybody problems and get in touch with *someone*.... Besides the PI calling me and that whole situation of him evading his family... there's also that little bit about me not being able to move on with my life until I know for sure if he has any interest in starting over/us ever getting back together. I can't really be fair with anybody else who might want to get in a relationship with me, cuz of the things I realized being with Harlan. Anyway... I went on a couple dates this weekend, very very odd too. It seems god is fucking with me again. I finally agreed to date the guy from work who's been asking me out for a while. That went VERY well, and he's a nice, normal (normal=boring but safe) guy. He's in the process of building a house and has enough money set aside to pay cash for it. I didn't know this when I agreed to go out with him, and he remarked that he knows I'm not interested in money. He had a pimped out Expedition but it was stripped to the bone a couple weeks ago and his money's tied up in the house, plus we're slammed at work with OT and he's one of three bilingual people we got at work so he cant take time off to go car shopping, he's still not sure if he wants to get the old truck fixed. We have some stuff in common, though he's not super-smart and he isn't into music which are two of my big interests. He doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs, doesn't mind me doing the "light" stuff. Kinda possessive though, I'll get into that later. Saturday after working 4 hours of OT with 2 hours of sleep from the date with Carlos... I get home and there's a voice mail from Cindy. I call her back and she wants me to come over cuz one of her 15 "boy friends" is over and brought a friend and the friend feels like a third wheel and she needed a "wing man". I get over there and me and the "boyfriend" hit it off like you wouldn't believe. We have EVERYTHING in common, our lives have been congruent. He was abused... he dated his first love for 7 years but drugs broke them up, he's been thru rehab but still trying to stay off, still uses coke now and then... been to half a dozen colleges but no degree etc... and all the similarities are the problem (FUCK ran over my break, will finish in an hour!)(OK a day...) anyway before I was so rudely interrupted by my job... I was talking about how much Ray and I are alike, which is dangerous. Though he's nothing like Harlan, the situation reminds me of how it began with Harlan. Ray means well, he's got a good heart, but he's not ready to grow up. He doesn't want to quit using entirely, just not so much.... Which is not what I'm about, ya know. He called last night and we talked for hours. He schooled me in the music of 2Pac and R. kelly then put in the new Morrissey cd out this week. He was kinda drunk and mentioned wanting to score and come over, I told him it needed to be one or the other. He never showed. I'm not getting attached to either one of them, I'd end up hurting Carlos, he's looking for something I'm not and for things I can't give. I'd end up hurt from Ray, or worse.... I'm playing with fire again, it's very tempting. The guy's sitting on a trust fund and I'd just fucking love to drop off the earth and help him smoke it away. He's beautiful too. But the money'd run out eventually and I'd be back to where I was 2 years ago.... (Which really wasn't THAT bad cuz Lon was there). Either decision would be the wrong one.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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