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Please don't remind me that I came to work VOLUNTARILY today for overtime. The only thing that's going to get me through a shitty 6 hour shift is the shallow fact that I'll be making $12 an hour for it. Corporate whore indeed.

I did something peculiar yesterday. I gave this address and password to a guy I work with. Not the guy (Carlos) I went out with either. I'm not sure why I did this. This guy (Mario) was diggin on my NIRVANA tat, I told him I had lots of boots and videos so we were gonna hook up for a listening party of sorts. I need to get a working VCR first though. Anyway, it's very odd for me to have broken my anonymity like this, you all know how cryptic/mysterious I can be sometimes. I'm pretty sure it boils down to the fact that I have NO PEOPLE WHATSOEVER within 500 miles of here. OK, I have a cousin outside of Norlins, but he lives off of SSD and doesn't have a license or car, but anyway... the isolation is about to kill me, or rather I'm about to kill me, maybe, you know me... I'm just very surprised I made it through the 4 day weekend without flipping out over something. I was dreading last weekend because of it. I can sense the change in me when the depression is looming. I need to find some sort of safety net, something to pull me back from the edge, some little catch-phrase, motto, reminder to come back down when I feel like cliff dancing. So it's a mix of the isolation, of a need for understanding, cuz really I'm a different person with everyone and no one knows the whole me, just bits and pieces. It's an interesting experiment. Maybe I'll have a friend, or maybe he'll soread the password around the office and then I'll REALLY be the office weirdo.

Which is better than being known as the office slut. "Rumors" have been going around about me and Carlos. I have no problem with it except for the fact that he still thinks I was only "alright". (We had different styles, he's into that slow-feely crap and I'm more into just gettin fucked.) I wouldn't want people thinking I'm only "alright" when it's really just a difference in technique. I gave Carlos a good recommendation to the receptionist, who he's been wanting to try out, except for the fact she's been with too many black dudes (though he worded that differently if ya know what I mean). But anyway, since I told her she's been all "Carlos rub my neck" and "Carlos can you get the phones while I'm on break" etc. I told Carlos bout the props I gave him and said he had a rep to live up to now so he better be better than he was with me. LOL, if Mario really does read this then he's gonna get all the juice on the work place. I guess it's not called Opinions Unlimited for nothing, ay?

So what else is going on (I got to work 45 mins early due to shitty bus schedules, am picking the bike up today after work). I'm dreading this weekend as well. With the flunked piss test (still dont know if the coke showed or not) I know I'll be piss tested again and that means I need to stop doing the coke, ("DUH" yeah I know, shut up) but that also means that I stop seeing Ray. Just like Harlan, we had that talk about not turning the relationship into something drug-based, and I'm pretty sure it is, and so it's ruined. He woulda been a pretty cool friend too, except now he only calls on Friday to ask if we're partying that night... though he did call last Sunday to see how shitty I was feeling from all the partying LAST weekend. The first couple weeks he'd call during the week and we'd chat for hours. Now it's just sex and drugs, which of course the monster in me just fucking eats up, but at the expense of my humanity, which is already shredded nearly beyond recognition. I need some kind of something to hold onto. Some anchor to keep me from drifting away.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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