**REGISTER TO VOTE ONLINE!** **SIGN DARFUR ACTION PETITION HERE!!**

---

Well... I HAD written a very good entry a couple days ago but before I could right click-copy it the submit page turned into the sign-in page. I don't know how I had gotten signed out while I was tyoing. Dland error I guess. I don't know why it only happens to the REALLY good entries, Murphy's Law I guess.

I figured out some more shit, a continuance of the last entry. I talked about how I look at things as a communist too much and how my whole personal philosophy is cracking down, that I might be exchanging the walk on part in a war for a lead role in a cage... or really I'm going into hiding, a wolf in pretend-normal Joey skin. I talked about how in the three "romantic" relationships I've been in (Lon, Eric, Harlan) I treated those relationships communistically, that there weren't two people involved, but one whole. Lon was the involuntary part of the being, he was in charge of the basics like breathing, digesting, the skeleton holding us up... (yes I've talked of this before) I was the voluntary, covering movement and voice and (unfortuneately) the decision making. With Eric it was reversed, and not so much communistic, (or socialistic should be a better word) he was both roles and I really didn't have a role. I wasn't breadwinner, I wasn't the moral conscience, I wasn't the decision maker, I wasn't the action... I really didn't have any responsibilities alotted to me in that relationship. I really didn't matter in the long run. And anyway it wasn't that important of a relationship.... With Harlan it was the exact opposite of with Lon. Harlan was the decision maker... I was the rock. Me playing that role with Harlan really helped me understand a lot of what I did to Lon and put him through, what it must have been like being in the sidecar with me at the wheel.... I talked abotu these things more in detail, it made more sense then.

I got to thinking how I need to re-evaluate my relationships with people, well with everythign really cuz I look at all aspects of life socialistically -giving if I have and wanting if I need- but it just doesn't work when only say 5% of the population is the same as me and the rest are selfish, greedy, individualistic.... I couldn't find a route where I was helping the whole AND helping myself, it was always helping the whole at the expense of myself, or in the relationship with Lon, I thought I'd be helping the whole, at the expense of the whole. I'm referring to the heroin thing, it wasn't some seat of my pants impulse, gee I think I'll bring hoem some heroin, force feed it to Lon so we can be addicts for a while. I had that shit in my pocket for a WEEK, had the box of needles in the trunk for a WEEK... a week of no sleep, constant battle in my head, pros and cons and to be or not to be's.... And it worked out for the best. Not like I planned, (but nothing works how I plan -and that's when I stopped making plans-) but it worked out well. And if Lon disagrees then he isn't using his resources to the best of his ability, which really was his problem all along. Yes, I bound through life crashing and not thinking, and there have been some casualties along the way, but bad shit happens, "life happens", and you gotta be able to make a short wave radio outta coconuts, a bong out of a scuba mask and tin foil... you gotta learn hwo to take the shit life flings at you and turn that shit into shit casserole. You add some cheese, those lil French's crispy onions on top... it dont taste that bad... you also gotta learn to smile as you swallow that shit, it really unnerves the enemy to make them think you actually LIKE it, gives you a lot of fucking power when they think you like it, and then maybe they dont throw so much shit at you. Anyway, this isn't where I wanted to discuss, let's get on track.

Last night I was driving around aimlessly, no, I had aim, and that was to not come here, to spend as much time not being in this disgusting house with disgusting people and dying animals, thinking of everybody dying and the sacrifices I'm making not for my own benefit, stuck in the house with all this tempting food and a mattress smelling like Lon, which too is tempting in a "I miss the comfort in being sad" way in which I want to just stay in that bed and breathe real deep and cry and eventually decompose.... So that's why I try not to be here. I was feeling quite existential, thinking maybe I'll drive around the lake cuz there was a full moon and I had my mom's van with $50 worth of gas in it. I had been trying to reach Daniel the last couple of nights, cuz he'd help me to organize the thoughts I been typing about. I drove down to the pier, I knew Danyo would answer this time. I took my chucks off, climbed onto the levy thingy. It was about 10 pm so not many people were there. Lots of bats, they kept swooping down to my head, i think either the lights from the phone or the phone itself was making some noise they could hear... the whole time lying there talking to Danyo I almost ended up in the lake about 5 times from near loss of balance from swiping at bats. Bats are cute though, fuzzy, rabid lil fuckers, ya gotta love em. So talking with Daniel, he did help me put more logic to the thoughts, showed me some flaws I hadn't seen either. He was pretty impressed though, and he's still had quite a head start and much more practoce/experience, I've finally caught up to him philosophically. We're at the same place now. After defeating the old way of thinking, the new way didn't make much sense. OK to put it this way, I'm not looking at things socialistically anymore, I'm putting me first, the SELF is #1. My problem is that I really have no self. I didn't ever really develope a personality, I've always been an actress and comedian. What I'm in the process of doing now is creating myself. I'll pretend to be that person and voila, I will BE that person.

Here's my other problem, here's what is making Daniel and I such equals. In thinking out romantic relationships as an individual... there is nothing a man can give me that I cannot give myself, except dick. That's all a man is.... So why even HAVE a relationship... it's all a farce... if I'm the voluntary AND involuntary, what do I need a relationship for? Or anyone for that matter? Yes, some women can't afford to live on their own and gotta whore themselves out to men (wife = top of the line whore) for food, shelter, clothing.... They're brainwashed the same way I was, thinking people are SUPPOSED to be with people and people are supposed to take care of each other... it's never symbiotic though.... So where's the middle ground. Why be in a relationship if the only thing we can't provide ourselves is sex? I know it's a growing trend, thw whole sleeping around, anti-monogomy movement, but I don't think most of those people have really thought it out as much as I have. But Daniel couldn't answer that question either. He said that's why he hasn't had a girlfriend OR gotten laid in half a year. He couldn't answer other questions either, like why I should move out there seeing we're both so anti-relationship now. It's still barely spoke of, but in that it doesn't need to be spoken of kind of way, that it's a given... he's been waiting on me a very long time, Daniel dates back technically to the pre-Lon age. Days before, but still before. Things wouldn't have worked back then anyway, and things have actually worked out quite well for me in the long run (minus the one or two times a day I flip out mentally and doubt everything... but no suicidal thoughts, no fingering the shotgun this time) and I do see myself finishing my degree and moving out to LA. Not for any relationships, but, well to be honest my cousin Kelly is now bartending at the motherfucking VIPER ROOM and I gotta get in on that shit. She goes "I got the manager talking to Johnny, trying to talk him into opening up during the days, really it's so I can have 40 hours a week but it'd be good for the business too" as if Johnny Depp is worried about losing money on a night club what the fuck. Anyway, I'm not making plans, I'm making decisions.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

last :: next