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I accidently poked Cass in the eye yesterday, really fucken hard. I was sitting on PF's couch with her on my lap when she flopped forward and in my catching her I somehow managed to get her in the eye. She cried for 20 minutes, it was really sad. I'm still not sure if it's gonna bruise. : ( I gave her some pain med and put her teething cold pack thingy on it as much as she'd let me.

Rough day yesterday overall. She woke up at 5:45. I think that actually my mom woke her up on purpose. It's not the first time I think she's done it either. It's always been the morning after I go out. The first thing she always says is "If you can't wake up this early you shouldnt be out drinking all night" which, to me, is an admission of guilt on her part. And it's funny because compared to what I was doing before getting pregnant, to what I do now... it's total opposite. I think I was drunk at least 5 days a week and didnt say no to any kind of drug. I'm not even smoking weed anymore now. Wednesday night I was home a little after midnight, and I had one and a half beers that were bought for me before I could decline. We got into a huge argument last night cuz I was about dead and Cass was screaming-awake until 10:30 again and my mom refused to help me out, like tuck Cass in. I'm pretty sure she was waiting to fall asleep until gramma tucked her in, she used to do that shit with Greg too, not fall asleep until he said goodnight.... But of course it's my fault cuz I dont have her on a sleep schedule (which I think I do...) and I shoulda thought about this when I decided to get knocked up (yeah... "decided" and "knocked up" do not go together). "Fuck another drunken bum and get pregnant again, dumb bitch" is one quote from her last night (that's the point in the argument where I started calling her a cunt). Then she starts talking about how hard she had it with me and Prett by herself, and how great of a mom she was by working 2 jobs all the time (then why'd we live in a trailor with sometimes no heat or hot water) and always doin what was best for us (really no comment there) and how she never got to do anything she wanted (except for goin out on dates or drinking or bingo 2-3 times a week). Then she starts bitching about how I dont do shit around the house (her house, mind you, and technically the bank's house seeing it's being repoed). I clean my mess, do all the dishes, do mine and C's laundry. I pay her rent, do people that pay rent to landlords mow their own lawn? That's the landlord's job. And why the fuck am I going to mow the lawn and do other outside chores she wants done if they're taking the house? She says "well they might not take it for a month" and I say "well they just might take it tomorrow" so I'm not mowing the fucken lawn. How the fuck do you mow the lawn with a baby anyway??? My mom says that I can wait for her to be asleep (so it's ok to leave a baby alone in the house? and how long is she gonna be asleep with a fucken lawnmower goin wtf?) or she says I can put her in the driveway in her exersaucer and mow the lawn with her outside. Seriously, my mom thinks that I'M the crazy one. She said "I really feel for you Cass, when you won't have me to take care of you after you move out." 1) wouldnt have to move out if you'd pay your fucken bills and not blow it gambling 2) you spend 10 minutes a day with Cassidy, and that's when I purposefully keep her up late or she keeps herself awake waiting for you to get home from blowing your paycheck on pulltabs at the Moose. and 3) I FEEL FOR BOGGY, because I'm the one that buys his food, cooks his food and lets him out twenty fucken times a day, also the only one to bathe him, brush him and set, take him to (and sometimes pay for) his grooming and vet appointments. She also doesn't pet him or let him sleep in her room anymore. And you know what she'll do when I move, that's when she'll concede to have him put to sleep. Not cuz it's time, or he's in pain, or he needs some kind of expensive vet procedure... just because she's too fucking lazy to take care of him, just like she had better things to do than to take care of Prett and myself when we were young. The saddest part is that she claims our ("so called") neglect was due to her always being such a great mom in some kind of "I was never around because I was out working so hard" excuse, and again, why were we so fucking poor? In her "get a job" speech (I don't even need a job!) she said once again that all I have to do is pick a sitter off of the county's approved list. I said to her that she should know where to find all the best sitters and she flipped out "There you go again with your abuse bullshit. There's no proof that ever happened!" "Children don't naturally hate their mothers." door slams, next hour is spent pacing bedroom floor trying to get Cassidy asleep and totally understanding how people become suicide bombers.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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