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FINALLY, I have internet access from my house!!!! AND I'm test driving a car Sunday. I have a feeling that Im buying it but the guy works 1-9:30pm today and tomorrow so Sunday is the soonest he can get there to let me test drive it (the car's at his brother's cuza 's a mechanic and also has more exposure to potential buyers on his street). So YAY for me.

Also, I sort of fooled around with Geoff the other night. We kept ending up in conversation and gave up on trying to have sex. In retrospect, I've decided to keep it at friends, or maybe "close friends" (where I can still see him nekkid lol) but nothing intimate (sheesh what's your definition of intimate, right?). Every time we'd go to kiss or something like that he'd start talking about Shannon (his -ahem- wife... yeahyeah goin to hell...) and he even admitted that he and I would never have a real, committed relationship cuz of his love for Shannon. I think they're soul mates, well Geoff thinks they are anyway, and I feel theyll get their shit straight and make it work one of these times. Hanging out with him and seeing how much he loves her and how miserable he is without her makes me miss Lon. Do we really only get one shot at love? I hope not. I havent been loved since Lon. Maybe Harlan truly loved me, but that's probably why he broke my sturnum... not the kind of love I need, even if it was exciting. I think about looking Lon up sometimes, especially with the new body. so anyway this topic still depresses the fuck out of me...

Geoff says I'm the ideal "other woman", and "if only I'd met you first" etc... he even agreed when I said that "we shoulda stayed together that way we only woulda brought one kid into the world" cuz of how within a month of each other, I got preggers and he got some other girl preggers, some Naples girl he fucked after his band played a gig down there. He said I'm one of the best moms he's met and that his newest baby mamma wont let him see the son, even tho he's paying $70 a week in support, and he worries about signing off rights because he wants to be a dad but he also doesnt have money for a lawyer to get visitation and all that shit.

Greg knows Ive been hanging with Geoff, when Greg is drunk he gets pissed off about it but when he's "sober" he doesnt say anything. They nearly got into a fight wednesday night though. They were both talkin shit to each other. It's interesting, Ive got two guys fighting over me, yet both of them refuse to commit and make terrible boyfriends.... It's all very absurd.

So Geoff calls me last night telling me he's on his way to the city (Rochester) to get some crack, asking if I want to join in, says that someone else has a few hundred to blow and it's cost free. I told him there's always a cost... and I told him Ive got to be a responsible mommy etc but when I got off the phone with him the gorilla started screaming in my head and I almost called him back to work out some sort of way for me to get up to his motel room to party. It was only a flash, and I was able to talk some sense into myself pretty quickly. "Remember how bad you feel the next day?" and it's not guilt (unless a lot of money was spent) it just bottoms out the bipolar, and worse, it makes me wanna do it again. This afternoon he called to tell me how shitty he feels, and he let one of the other people drive his truck home this morning so he was seein if I was in town and could give him a ride there, and he wanted to go to the post office to see if his paycheck was there. I suggested he call his boss about the check cuz he wasnt even sure if it was mailed or not. See, he took off two weeks ago to go down to San Antonio for his sister's wedding. Then he worked a week. Then this weekend he got all pilled out on those pain killers (some shit theyre replacing oxycontin with cuz this shit isnt snort/shootable withotu great amounts of pain -doot doo do). Well he went and told his boss that he was feeling withdrawls from those pills and said he needed the day off. The boss told him to take a few days and get his shit together. I told him that when he calls to see about his check to tell the boss that he's ready to work again. He called me back after and said that his boss told him not to come back to work until he's got 2 months of sobriety. Did I mention that I lent him $300? fucken what the fuck... but Autopilot has warned me every time that I lend money that I'm not gonna get it back, so I shouldnt be bitching. Why didnt I read that Franklin quote earlier in my life, something like Never get in debt and never lend money. It's definitely a lesson I'll be teaching Cassidy.

I've got the landlady's truck for the night. Cass is spending the night at the Pedro's. I'll drop Greg off at the Pick and then go cheer up Geoff. he was really freaking out. I told him not to dwell and to do a budget, mentioned some places that I knew were hiring. Maybe I'll talk him into going back to school. He's smart enough for it. "You could major in Guitar... they do that ya know..."

I dont know why people cant get their shit together. We all know what we should be doing, what we need to do and what we're supposed to do... why do people consciously make a decision to fuck up? Of course I'm included in this.... While in bed with him I said "So why dont you go home?" "She wont let me" "whatever you guys have been through this a million times..." "I need to be sober." "So be sober... you just had 11 months sober, it wasnt that hard was it? Do it again." "It's not that easy." "Just do it..." Why was it so easy for me to get clean? Maybe it wasnt as easy as I remember. I had to leave Ohio, and that wasn't far enough cuz we'd drive back to Ohio for it, and then we started looking for it here. I left Lon and moved to Texas, where I didnt know anybody or anyplace to get it. I guess that's not so easy. They say if you really want it you'll find a way to get it, and I guess that's true. I dont really have all that much better self control compared to others, so what's the difference? I know that the pain from losing Lon and everything else that was important is a good reminder, but every other addict has already lost important people/stuff too and they all relapse, and it cant be anythign like they didnt love whatever they lost as much as I loved Lon -and still do, dont get me wrong- so i really dont know how I manage not to relapse while everybody else does. I sure wish I'd figure it out, Im sick of my people being slaves and/or dying.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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