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Well, it's been nearly a month since I last wrote. I started a pen n paper journal in the meantime because I missed writing so much. The last month has been ROUGH! Not just on me personally but the whole fucken world. What is up people? And why is gas more expensive than cigarettes? I'm gonna stop driving and start smoking, that way the nicotine buzz will help me walk faster! Seriously though, Nov 2008 can not get here fast enough!

I'm finished with the nursing assistant classes but still havent taken the test. That's this Saturday. The first two weeks of classes Tim, Cass and I were mostly staying at my mom's house to save on gas money. Then at some point the muffler fell off the car and the next day I got pulled over and it took all my Jedi power to talk the guy into not arresting me. I guess there's something called a REGISTRATION that you have to have on your car or something?? See the insurance lapsed, then the state pulled the reg, and now I think technically they've pulled my license because I haven't turned the plates in yet (no ride...) Talking the cop out of arresting me was one of my most brilliant feats ever seeing as though he had the cuffs in his hand and by the end of it he was letting me still drive to school! He said that he'd be at the school at some point to check and make sure I have the plates off the car. I sold the car to a junkyard for a whopping $150.

I didnt want to stay at my mom's any longer (plus she HATES Tim, like worse than any of my previous boyfriends) so I was lucky enough to find out one of the older ladies in the nursing class lives within 3 miles of us so she gave us rides. We were in a nursing home for a week and Tim's work was on the way. He's finally found a couple people that live around here so that he can get rides in now that classes have ended, plus we'd get him there a half hour late or so. Anyway there were like two weeks where I didnt see Cassidy except for maybe a trip to the grocery store. I had her picture with me at work and I'd look at it a lot. The teacher and I got to be friends and one day at the nursing home she asked how Cass was and I started crying. I must have double the maternal instinct seeing my mother has none. I got her last night though and we're together until I get a job. That'll be some time because of the no car situation... and I'm still behind in rent... you see where this is going?

I haven't really been working ACN all that much. Everyone in school knows about it, and the few times I got to karaoke to talk to more people but I only have one customer and 2 points. Pigfucker said he'd sign up if I'd pay the bill. My mom did that for his mom so he knew I might do the same if I were despret enough. None of the other family was willing to help. It's hard because 1. I hate selling things 2. I hate people 3. Those most likely to "do me a favor and try out my phone service" live in an area code we can't carry or 4. They have the Time Warner All In 1 bundle, and we dont offer cable/satelite yet and 5. It's hard to talk to people when you don't have day minutes, a car, any monsy, or even a phone book. For the last three weeks the internet has been down and I havent had the time or energy to move all of landlady's stuff around to check the wires n shit. She said she blew her ethernet card but when I went down there the router I bought was behind her desk unhooked. I don't know if it fell and unhooked itself or what but I got it going again last night.

Now, let me tell you how god damned depressing being in a nursing home is. FOR REAL. I can't do that full-time. I'd be one of those sympathy nurses that starts killing everybody! I have nightmares about the residents I got to meet, nightmares about my gramma going into a home instead of letting me take care of her, nightmares of me being stuck in my head, body worthless, stuck in some bed. It reinforced my "Hemmingway Decision" to shoot myself when I get old. Whenever someone else has to start feeding me or wiping my ass then I'll know it's time. Unfortunately if I'm so weak/crazy that I cant feed and wipe myself I probably won't be able to kill myself either. I might get so old and impaired that I might even forget about the suicide option. See this is why I have nightmares about this. I never want to get old.

That reminds me, posted on one of the boards at the college was a call for entries to the L. Ron Hubbard sci-fi and fantasy writer's of the future contest. I wrote a very good premise to a short story that morning in class while everybody else was just learning which organs were where. The story is about a college student from the future who goes into the past to see what old people are like because in the future everyone lives long healthy lives and takes "stop-aging" hormones so really there are no "old people" around. She goes to work in a nursing home. We find out that she doesn't like the future trend against aging, she sees that getting old isn't that bad. Then there's another CNA there that is like me, terrified of getting old, but she goes to extremes, getting botox, hormone replacement therapy, face-lifts, boob jobs, you name it she'll do it to help her stay young looking. At the end they end up switching lives, the CNA that wants to stay young goes to the future and the one who wants to grow old stays in the past. I have side-plots n shit too, like the one chick taking a nursing home resident into the future for "show n tell" to try to show it's not bad to get old but everybody freaks out like he's the elephant man. I dont think it's too bad for my first sci-fi story. The contest is also open to sci-fi/fantasy illustrators, with the winning illustrator getting to do the winning story... how cool would it be to win both! I know a lot of peolpe who would like to do the illustrator thing so I made copies of the entry applications for them.

The whole time I was in classes I was having to get up around 4:30-5 oclock every morning to get Tim to work on time. When we started getting rides from home I got to sleep until 5:15. I was looking forward to sleeping in today, and I guess compared to 4:30 that 7:30 isn't all that bad, three hours more sleep than usual. It's just sad that Cassidy isnt even up yet and I coulda still been sleeping. God I missed her sooo much, I wanna go wake her up just to spend time with her!

Had I written since Greg got out of jail? Well he's out, been working for the pool guy again like last year. This year, SUPPOSEDLY the boss hired a new crew of non-drunks and Greg is working with just those men. Cass has been over there every weekend he's been out, except he's not getting her this weekend cuz it's mother's day and I miss her too much. I coulda had her last weekend but I didnt want them to miss two weeks in a row. Greg might not have the maternal instinct like I do but he didnt get to see her for 4 months so I was being generous until now. S.O.B. better start catching up his support. I already called the collection bureau and told them that he's working. That way they'll take it right from his check. He's still trying to get an apartment of his own right now so I understand and wont be applying to have the support upped until he's more stable. A case of diapers per week and an outfit/shoes per month is really all she needs for now.

She's starting to wake up and also it's been thundering for a while so I'm gonna get off the comp.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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