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Things are beautiful with Scott and I when Cassidy isnt around. When she's here his OCD goes into a tailspin and there's no hope for recovery. STILL he's complaining about how messy his house is. All I can do is picture some of the mexican garbage cans that I've had the fortune of calling home... and worse still, some of the places I've partied in. What would Scott say about the "Rave Cave" or what my townhouse looked like after the cement of heroin addiction had set? Anyway, I'm thinking about playing a game with him, purposefully leaving a towel on the floor, not rinsing a plate... slowly drive him insane. Wouldnt take much with him, lol. Things are good though, VA job thing is rolling and that's got him off my back. Cass spent the last few days with my mom so we've been able to sleep in and get our groove on whenever we want (well, you know, whenever HE wants, STILL havent found a match for my libido heh). Anyway, things are good.

Except for the god damned nightmares about Harlan kicking my ass, The one that just woke me up, I got punched in the mouth so hard that it woke me up and my fucking face hurt! Then I freaked out for a second cuz I wasnt sure where I was or what was going on. There are explanations why I've been thinking of him so much. Scott's body is just like his, down to EVERY detail -wink wink- and their sex styles are similar though a huge difference is that Harlan always had hate in his eyes and Scott's got love in his. There's a similarity betweem them and having to do the excess cleaning. And really with our roles at home (me doing everything), plus how I gotta act... I cant be myself around Scott still, the half sane mask is still on... Im still trying to play the good little woman part. On Sunday when Scott and I had an argument bout Cass he said "This aint my first rodeo" Harlan used to say that all the time, it was the only time I've heard Scott say it but it really messed with me.

There are also reasons why I'm thinking about him that have nothing to do with Scott, like the fact that I've lost enough weight and am at a decent place to start working out. THE NUMBER ONE REASON I HAD WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY WAS TO KICK HARLAN'S ASS. It's on my goal sheet that's on the fridge- "2 years after surgery: be at target weight. Kick Harlan's Ass." Next summer I'll be ready. Maybe sooner. But until I get that "closure" it's taking all my resources not to flip out PTSD style. If he's kicking my ass in my sleep then it wont be long til I start "seeing" his face while having sex with Scott. I plan on talking to Scott about it today, not gonna say "I might imagine some other dude's face while having sex with you and accidently start punching you in the face." We'll have to work on another way to say that....

This has all got me thinking about writing a memoire just on Houston, the last chapter being my return to even the score. I didnt have computer access during the craziest time and my journal was updated from work, so all the good bits about Htown are missing. Getting the story out after it stewing for this long might get rid of the dreams, who knows.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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