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Bartender I really did it this time... I dont regret waiting til I was 19 to start dating guys, and I certainly dont regret being with Lon for so long, but half of my man-problems are because I STILL dont know how to date, or how a healthy relationship works, or how to pick a decent guy. I didnt REALLY start dating until I was 26, and at that time I was at least 250lbs, but as high as 300+ pounds so I wasnt really dating, per se. Add all that to this new hot body I have been GIVEN in the last 2 years, and never being or feeling attractive in my entire life, I dont know how to deal with that either, the attention, my inability to say NO to just about anything.... I believe that my body still produces hormones and chemicals for the 350lb me, not the 170lb me (including 40 pounds of skin I need cut off). The men who have hurt me physically, to me, are all completely different guys. There have been obvious abusers I spotted and dumped right away, but these other ones, I dont know. I can't identify with people who werent smacked around their whole lives. And they certainly dont understand where Im coming from. The news reports have the story all wrong, I dont know where the words FIRE or STAB came from because they arent in any police statements or any of my charges. All you have to do is put "joey barr macedon, ny" into yahoo search and you'll see. again though, none of it happened like that. Cassidy was napping through most of it, she was on her spot on the floor at the foot of the bed. The blanket burned when I ditched the tray with the resin pipe underneath it to take a piss. I had been scraping pipes with the intention of luring Will out of bed. He'd been in bed for two days straight, depressed I guess, and already the not-having-pot-crankiness was setting in. The burn mark wasnt much bigger than nodding out with a cigarette... and the blanket in question was at my feet, balled up in case Cass stood up, Will was not covered with it and it was not at his head. I sat down on the bed after returning from the bathroom, lifted the blanket to pull out the try, ready to wake Will up fully, with this peace offering. I noticed the ring of burning, the red lit up again from the air hitting it when I lifted the blanket, but again there were NO FLAMES. I had patted the burn on the blanket and said "oh shit guess this isnt fire retardent" laughing at my dumb ass. Cass was half-awake then and asked "what mommy?" I put the smoking tray aside and and I said to her "look this is funny..." and was going to show her what an idiot I was, teach her a lesson about fire, that hot things can burn too, not just flames. So Will flipped over in the bed and out of nowhere started beating me up, his hands in my hair, pulling, shaking WRENCHING like I swear he was gonna rip my head off. I still have a sore neck. As he never let go of my hair (til it ripped out...) he only sorta punched me. His fingers were pretty tangled up in my hair, maybe he was trying to get loose and punch me for real. He threw me into the long low dresser (as in any motel room) where his chef knives were, among other dishes etc. I placed my hand on the countertop when I pulled myself up to my feet, my hand was ON a knife... we'd bought french bread the day before, there was a knife right there, but there was a knife right EVERYWHERE, on every damn horizontal surface in that place. Those expensive snooty knives that cut through cantaloupes with one easy slice. I turned around with it "get back, get the fuck in the bathroom, why would you do that with Cass here, get in the fucking bathroom, shut the fucking door, we are leaving and I will call you tomorrow!" the whole time he was still trying to walk toward me and I was screaming those commands with the knife, pointing it at him and then at the bathroom... when he finally went into the bathroom I noticed blood dripping on the white floor, not a whole lot though. I said "baby you're bleeding" and put the knife down and he said "holy shit Im cut" I never felt me touch him with the knife and I didnt ever STAB him. I was going to drive him to the hospital, even though I didnt think he'd need stitches, he wouldnt let me see the cut though. I could tell he was going into a blood panic. There'd been a blizzard that day plus me and Cass werent dressed so he said he'd go alone and it would give us time to calm down. When he said that I thought "and give me time to pack..." Instead of the hospital he drove across the street to the gas station, walked inside and said "call 911 my girlfriend just stabbed me". He wasn't fully asleep, there was no fire, no stabbing, he didnt run out of the room or run for help. He drove to the gas station. The police drove me to the gas station and had me drive his truck to the station so it wouldnt get towed or impounded. They were talking about it getting impounded and I volunteered that I had a set of keys for it, there were plenty of cops to go get the truck but they let me do it. They didnt have me cuffed, and weren't worried I was dangerous or that I would flee. In fact the cops called Will a pussy when they saw the pics of his "scratch", some agreed that he got what he deserved, they said if he's been through a dom violence case before that by the time he left the motel room he woulda been in "save my ass mode", already coming up with a story. He woulda known the system. For instance, he kept asking for different tests at the hospital so that he wouldnt have to be arrested right then, and the cops gave him until morning to turn himself in. The cop that took his statement said there was nothing he could do to make Will leave the ER, and he was sure Will was stalling on purpose "When I left the hospital Will was begging for x-rays, and there was talk of an MRI..." I havent ever been in trouble like this before, and had no idea what was going on or how serious the charges were that were writing up against me. I wasnt able to write my own statement, and as I was still hysterical at that point, and was trying to listen to another group of officers interrogate my 3 year old daughter in another room ("How did your mommy catch the bed on fire..." was a question I heard them ask her), I read the statement prepared for me, signed it, but as soon as I signed they took it away from me and I couldnt remember AT ALL what I had JUST read. Will woulda known that the first person to call the cops would most likely be referred to as The Victim, making the other person into The Bad Guy. As far as Im concerned, my daughter was the only victim, Will and I should be listed as co-assholes. The night before this happened we got into a serious argument. He had put me in a chokehold, the very first time he had laid his hands on me. It was one of his army ranger moves, and I lost consciousness. Afterwards he cried and said he'd never hurt me again and I said "yes you will, and it'll only be worse" I didnt think it'd be the next day. I was late to work that night, confided in a coworker. There were many that knew what was going on, how angry and verbally abusive he was, how controlling, freinds and family could tell things were getting worse instead of better. The next day I hung out with my cousin, who went through the bullshit with me when a former bf fractured my skull, and I suggested making plans for me to get out of there. Should I wait on taxes, etc. I wanted more time to make plans, the last guy that broke my skull, I didnt make plans, I just said I was leaving him, his famous quote "the only way a woman leaves me is in a body bag or ambulance". Turns out that COP CAR was another option when leaving Will. Still, even now, I love him and feel sorry for him, and guilty that I hurt a loved one, even if it wasnt intentional, I really do think he would have continued to beat me, and maybe even hurt Cassidy. I think the worst crime ever is to hurt a loved one, tresspassing of the heart in the first degree. I was even iffy on leaving him, talking with my cousin that afternoon, afterall broken souls and psyches need love too... why do you think we're so broken in the first place? He and I are very smart people, and very much in love, why isn't love enough to fix things? And if love isnt enough, than what else is there? I thought under different cicumstances things would improve. We were planning on moving into a real apartment. Two crazy people (and a crazy dog, she was an abuse survivor as well!!!) living in one small room with few amenities, add financial troubles and battling drug and alcohol addictions for both of us... the odds were never in our favor. Anyway I just got out of jail yesterday. I'd been going to domestic violence groups and talking to counselors in there. We discussed how there's a connection between the men I choose, even if I dont see it yet (one of those "keep coming back" NA mantras come to mind). Also discussed how in making excuses for the guys (they were abused, beaten, ptsd from the war etc) I'm also making excuses for my own unhealthy/angressive behaviors from my own abuses etc. I was told my ongoing feelings of love for Will, and the way I'm always forgiving these men is really my own love and guilt I feel for myself, that in forgiving them Im forgiving myself, making more excuses for my own feelings of anger. I thought I had made great changes, and had dealt with my co-dependency issues, but obviously there's more work to do. I'm continuing counseling and groups on the outside. I really hope that Will has thought all these things, that he has come to these same conclusions, that he seeks out the help that he needs. I know that in the past I've been guilty of just forgetting I even met a person, putting another brick around my heart, and burying the anger and saddness deep down, -until one day it rises up as fuel, and streams out of my body like a laser, and like a weapon. Will and I weren't hurting each other really, we were hurting everybody that had ever hurt us. Other problems of mine I have meditated on: I realized that when I live by myself I'm not much of a drinker or smoker, it's only when I date a pothead that I become a pothead, when I date a drunk I become a drunk. I see this a lot in my friends' relationships, that when couples get together they are reduced to a lowest-common-denominator, with drugs, spending habits, gambling and even personal hygeine, but it never occurred to me that I do the same thing. I REALLY want to smoke pot, but Im not going to and have told everyone that I dont want to so that they keep it away, not offer it. The same for alcohol and even caffeine. No caffeine in jail, and as it is one of the chemicals I used to use to self-medicate my bipolar symptoms, Im doing a self-experiment to see what cycles my body goes through without ANY foreign meds/chemicals at all. Im watching excess sugar intake as well. Court shit still isnt settled, and probably wont be for some time. The judge was finally persuaded to waive my $2500 bail. The DA might seek to up my assault 3 misdemeanor into an assault 2 felony... so that's pretty serious. I'm very worried about more jail time, the two weeks I did were so horrible (but then again I never hoped to get out and that -and sit ups- made it easier, Shawshank style). Because of the weight loss surgery they cant properly feed me, no vitamins etc, I lost 10 pounds the time I was in there. They sorta started giving me meal replacement shakes, but theyre the ones from the nursing home designed to keep an otherwise dead body "nourished"... not the kind of nutrition a body like mine needs. I was doing a ton of sit ups and kept with my yoga routine but that wouldnt create the weight loss I'd experienced. I was picked on a bit, cuz I was the most smart, polite, OCD inmate ever in to be in wcj, COs called me miss manners, my cell was spotless and bed was always made and I was a folk hero to most of the girls in there. Now that Im out Im having flashbacks and nightmares AGAIN, cuz at least I was SAFE there. I was informed of some of Will's priors, mix that with things he's admitted to me that he's done and things Ive heard about him from others ("youre dating that guy, OMG one time he...", Im glad that this happened sooner rather than later, and Im glad this is all that happened. But yeah I, myself, am actually scared because of one of the priors, I am not here to "bad mouth" Will, his past is his business, but I worry that he would use the same excuse to justify doing that same thing to me as he did to his ex-gf. CPS said women he's been with end up losing their kids. I'm being investigated by them, though the interview went well and they know everything was a stupid mistake and shit was one over-reaction after another. I was warned by CPS to have no further contact with Will, or else I would jeopardize custody of my daughter. I received an anonymous thank you card while in jail. He musta done something to someone.... anyway I had started letters to a couple of my ex's while in jail cuz Im supposed to start from the beginning and psychoanalyze each relationship (some of the girls in group were like "holy shit ALL of them!?" lol, good thing for me Ive only had 8 boyfriends in my entire life). We had a workbook and did pages like homework assignments. This isnt the first time I've over-protected myself, Im trying to figure out why I fight instead of run, and why I fight back so much harder than I need to do. Well I guess I know WHY, but I want to know how to stop. Im getting hooked up with support groups and counseling out here, and Im gonna do an AA thing (though drinking actually is under control -meaning I hadnt been drinking, and I've lost the passion for it, I made heaps of changes from the last abuser, this really was a surprise in more ways than you could understand) and also Im doing anger management and a self-defense course, I even made an agreement with one of the ladies that I wouldnt get into another relationship for a whole year (OMG right). I met a lady with a very similar story to mine, she came in to lead an AA group in jail. Im hopefully going to find out her info and I know she'll help me with this shit, hopefully be my sponsor. I even wrote my mom a 7 page letter discussing childhood issues and wanting for us to try to heal our relationship. Ive never really had any parents or guidance at all. I have anger issues with her, other family members, even God -if there is one- (for making me suffer so much as a child) and at the church (some of my abusers were/still are highly respected upper members of the church and community in general). I have always been left alone, I do most of my living inside my head, where it's safe and happy, and under my control. Cass hardly remembers the fight. It didnt phase her actually, after Will left she said that we werent being good friends, that we need to play nice, that Will needed a timeout and that I shoulda given him a bandaid. (Another cute thing she said: I was cuffed to a bench when first arriving at station, when my mom FINALLY showed Cass said to her "Nani, check out mommy's golden bracelets, theyre so shiney!" then she asked the cops if they came in pink.) She was most traumatized by the police having a gun to my head and 2 guns on the dog, screaming for ten minutes for me to "subdue the fucking mutt before they blow its fucking face off" Cass the whole time: "Dont hurt my Brownie!!!" If I had said to them "fuck that dog" or "its not my dog" I am 100% positive they would have shot her right in front of my kid. Cass never screamed until she saw the guns, not even during the fight. She's very happy that Im home with her. She'd been told that I was in the hospital. She freaked this morning not wanting to go to pre-school, afraid I wouldnt be here when she got back. I worry about further jail time and leaving her again. I have time to prepare her though. Also part of the reason the judge waived my bail was because I have such a young child (and because of the jail's inability to keep me healthy), so IF shit goes wrong in court maybe house arrest or weekends would be an option. I am also hoping for community service to reduce any fines I might have, seeing Ive done 3,400 hours voluntarily as an AmeriCorps member, they might give me this option. I do know the state is hard-up for money and I would understand that my cash would be more valuable than my time. I have lost my job due to all the bad press, and up til now I have been able to take care of ourselves without being on welfare. This afternoon I am applying for food stamps.... I am quite angry at the media for blowing this up, and being one-sided. Only one newspaper (Wayne County Times) had Will's mugshot (total complete madman! I got passed the paper from another inmate, saw the photo, shook my head and thought "yup, there's my Rasputin.") The news reports don't mention his name, or his charges, or his PRIORS or anything like that. When I speak to my lawyer next I hope he'll give me permission to write a letter in my defense and mass mail it to the news, shit I'd even be willing to do an interview. I was on all the local tv stations as well as the paper. Good luck trying to find a job now, ya know? People talk to my mom at the store etc but she doesnt know what to say to them, even my best friend and brother have been left wondering what really happened as they too didnt receive any more information than what's been in the news. Should I rent a billboard and plead my case? A really sad sad thing... already a guy has flirted with me (um HELLO???) "I saw you on the news... that guy probably deserved it... but you can light my bed on fire ANYDAY!" for real dude? And I'M the crazy one???

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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