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I start outside domestic violence counseling today. I'm nervous. I'm always nervous when I dont know what to expect from a situation. You know me, I must have all possible outcomes planned for, that way I'm always in control and never taken by surprise. Kinda along the same lines with me always knowing where the exits are and liking to sit with my back against the wall facing everybody else. I guess that would be a physical manifestation of my psychological need for safety and control

One of these days, starting today, I'll get it right. But come on, I'm such a fucking loser to everyone, it makes me angry the way everyone who's supposedly helping me is judging me and treating me. They didn't know me 10 years ago when I was completely raving mad, trying to kill myself monthly, getting physical with Lon weekly, and breaking/throwing shit daily. Did they know me 7 years ago when I was a full-blown junky? Did they know me 3 years ago when I weighed 400 pounds? Do these people know that I continually choose the harder path, do they even know how diamonds are made? These people don't know much at all really.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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