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Well, it's fucken July 2009 and I've only done 2 or 3 entries this whole year. Then I check out my archives and see that last year wasnt much more productive either. I have been writing in pen and paper journals, not much recently, meaning since March or so.

To update with the charges pending... I was released from jail February 10th 2009 onto a pre-trial diversion tract because of Wayne County's inability to feed me properly. Had I known that pre-trial would be a year long process I wouldve chose to plead not guilty to my charges and be done with it all. Now I'm stuck in the system. And what a tangled web it is.

At the end of Feb my mother filed for custody of Cassidy, against myself and Greg. Greg made an effort to show up to court but did nothing to secure a bigger apartment for Cass, nor apply to get his license etc. He has enough money laying around to do these things. Turns out he "stole" my state taxes, was spozed to get two grand but I only recieved two hundred, with a letter saying that someone else had claimed Cass as a dependant and that I needed to send in certain proofs that she was in my residence for the year. I asked Godzilla whether or not she'd claimed her, she said no then later showed me a print out of her taxes proving she didnt.

When my mom filed for custody of Cass I had been living with her at the time. Janet had driven up from Ohio to support me at court for the fight etc. I knew something was fishy when my mom said to me earlier that day "You know I love you and that I want you to get te help you need..." then she came to court and talked to the DA extensively about my "psychological problems and violent past". She also talked to my lawyer. My lawyer then informed me that my mother told the DA that she didnt want me living in her house anymore and that I wasn't even welcomed there that night after court was finished. Knowing I was remanded to her custody everyone (including my mother and my lawyer) was sure the judge would put me back in jail. Im not sure why he didn't, maybe I played a Jedi Mind Trick on him, or maybe it was due to the fact that he finally was made aware of Will's prior record and when Will went up before me he made an ass of himself. At any rate the judge ROR'd me.

I started staying with Adam at that time. I never really thought of him as anything more than a boytoy. I knew he partied too much for my liking. I met Adam the same day that I met a guy named Luke, coinsidentally the same day I started seeing Will. It's a long story but let's get it in here now.... Labor Day weekend I was slumming in Canandaigua with Crissy, who had a new man named Luke. Luke had just moved in with her from Seneca Falls and needed a ride out there for the rest of his shit and also to stop at the rez. So Crissy called me and offered me $50 for my trouble and gas. I got out to CDGA and the car (was Jerico's old car that I bought from him) seized up. Jerico was camping with cousins in from Arizona at the time so I texted his friend Jay who had helped Jer "fix" the seizing up problem with the car. Turns out that Will was hanging out there and he ended up showing in Cdga, knight in shining XTerra. I tell him the situation and we all go to Seneca Falls in his truck. After SF we went to Geneva so Luke could cash his check at a liquor store and pick up more of his shit from his friend Adam's house. Adam sez he fell in love with me instantly, I remember him being very cute but very weird. I also met Melanie, a friend of Adam's and a "sister" to Luke (they were in foster group homes together). Afterwards we drop off Crissy and Luke in Cdga and go to karaoke. Will and I started dating exclusively a week later. Mel and I started chatting on the phone and becoming friends. She would get really flirty and elude to things happening but every time we'd hang out shit wouldnt happen, plus she was always talking about how much booze or weed (etc) she'd have to throw in, then Will and I would get to Geneva and be disappointed. Sometime in November (a week after my bday?) we got invited out there for this MASSIVE party at Adam's house. Earlier that same day Will had been laid off from his job, along with many other guys. He was pissed off and we'd already started drinking Jack before getting news bout the Gtown party. Will didnt want to go but I talked him into it. We hadnt done anything on my birthday, and I didnt have many nights off and opportunities for fun, further we decided to give Mel one more chance to put out. When we got to Geneva Will was pretty hammered and got out of the truck raving mad, I cant remember why. He stalked off in search of a gas station for beer. he left me standing in the road holding half a bottle of jack at midnight. I went ahead to Adam's to meet Mel and Luke, whom I had also befriended, probably moreso than with Mel. When I wrang Adam's bell he was the only one there and had no idea there was a party at his house. But there were two empty vodka bottles on the counter and white residue on the coffeetable that would suggest otherwise. Later on I'd learn that it was only his dinner (the vodka and coke I mean) and that he dined alone like that often. He and I talked for a long time, no idea where Will was, or Luke or Mel... but Adam got right to it "I love you, you're the prettiest girl Ive ever met, that guy's an asshole, I can tell..." he tried to kiss me and I quickly found the bathroom. Minutes later the doorbell is going off and I peek out the bathroom door to see Adam walking to his apt door BUCK ASS NAKED. I rush out of the bathroom telling him not to open the security door, that Will would kill us both... also Im freaked out that this kid is fucken naked, ya know.... Well he didnt listen to me and went thru his apt door and hit the breaker bar used to open the outter door. I didnt see Will get inside but I heard him yell "Why the fuck are you naked and where's my girlfriend!?!?!?" I ran back into the bathroom. That's when Will started to beat down Adam's apt door. I dont know what the fuck Adam was thinking (at all, in general, ever... lol) but he opened his apt door to psycho Will, who saw me come out of the bathroom (what saved my ass that night), I got to the front door and shoved Adam back towards his living room and with the other hand shoved Will out the door, no easy task. The whole while saying to him "just go, I dont know what the fuck is going on... let's just go..." When we got out onto the street he was yelling so fucken loud "WHYYY WHERE YOUUUUU WITH A NAAAAAKED GUYYYYY!!!" I tried to explain how he came onto me, that I was hiding in the bathroom, I didnt know he'd gotten naked. I expected people to be shouting out the window "Dont believe the bitch" but that didnt happen. Will was still screaming and wanted to pound on Adam's door some more but I got him to the truck. "Where were you, you were gone half an hour!" I turned it around on him a little bit. He called Mel and Luke and cussed them out, threatened them big time. I never saw any of them again until after I got out of jail. Though right before Will tried to kick my ass in January I had started talking to Luke again on the phone. Adam had alway asked him about me. So then when I got out of jail one of the first wednesdays out I went to karaoke in manchester. One of Crissy's scuzzy friends Heather had called me, she lived in town and it was her birthday, did I want to meet her at karaoke. Then I hear some guy in the background and she goes �m talking to JoBear, shhh"then I hear him say "MY Joey?"and then he gets on the phone, I hear Heather hollar at him for her phone "This is Adam, we'll be right down there, start walking towards Heather's". So then Adam and I were inseperable after that. i would never EVER have moved in with him had my mom not thrown me out. And it was only supposed to be until I got my taxes back. I bought a car (BALLS DEEP baby) with the federal knowing state would get the apt, not knowing I wouldnt see state for almost 9 mos. I really liked Adam, of course physically, he's been the most beautiful Ive been with. Really skinny, better body than even Jerico, but not too muscular, not too pretty in the face like the Donahue twins. Cut abs, tight muscles everywhere really, and then he had long black curls, ringlets like Evan back in high school, and dark blue eyes. Will's eyes were light brown, Jer's dark brown... blue was a nice change. Adam has done (and will prolly start up again ) wayyyyy too many drugs, like I dont know. He speaks in poetry like ee cummings writes, all fragmented and left off. He's a huge music buff, his 5 cd changer goes like this 1. Beatles Sgt. Pepper's 2. Marilyn Manson AntiChrist Superstar 3. Pearl Jam VS 4. Otis Redding Greatest Hits 5. Bob Seger Beautiful Loser. Plus his apt was covered in NIRVANA posters.

Though he made a ton of changes to try to be good enough to be my boyfriend and not fuck buddy, I think deep down he knew I was too good, or rather he's OK with being a minimum wage earning dishwasher (had the same job @ same place for 6 years and still only gets minimum!!!), no driver's license, no ambition to be better than that. Every day I'm working my programs and bettering myself... cuz you can always be thinner, healthier, have more money... there's ALWAYS room for improvement. Adam and I got into all this about a month ago when I started an outpatient rehab thing for my ""marijuana dependancy (laugh all you want assholes it court ordered) and I pissed dirty cuz of smoking once or twice with him and his friends. So I wanted to put my foot down abotu not smoking around me, then the discussion about his future happened and he took off for the afternoon. Come to find out he'd been chatting it up with this borderline personality disorder slut named Stephanie. He spent a whole day with her trying to score, she wouldnt put out (only fucks guys who play guitar... she tried to steal two of Adam's friends from their girls). I was actually hoping Adam would cheat, I was looking for different places to live. I tried Section 8 and DSS to no avail, am waitlisted for rent vouchers right now but who knows how long that can take.

***must finish later sorry!**

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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