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I would have to say the worst sound in the world, to me, (besides the sound of bones breaking) is chirping birds. They either mean that I'm up way too late or that I'm up way too early. Either way, they are a daily reminder of how fucked up I am, how different I am from the norm and how much I wish I could either be normal or just get over it and kill myself for real this time. The nervousness is coming, I'm sure that the end is getting close. I mean, it's never been that far away or anything. Just that I'm running out of options. Why is it so hard for people to understand my problems? Why do people blame ME for my mental illness? so ok, the only two avenues I have left are to file for bancruptsy and have my debts be absolved AND to apply for social security disability, and receive benefits. Getting one of these wont be enough, as usual its gotta be all or nothing. getting my debt removed wont help if I cant pay current/future bills, and getting aid will do nothing if I cant get my debt wiped clean. I'm 24, Lon's 28 and combined we have almost $50,000 in debt. That's without a house or car payment. Half of that figure is student loans. anyway I'll know soon, if I got any hope left. I shouldn't have to be a dope addict in order to keep myself, and others alive. There's no point in living a life like that. Kurdt would understand.... and it would be so easy too. just a flight and a half of stairs, the gun's on a bookshelf right at the bottom of the stairs. hes got no safetys no locks at all on it and I've mentioned I dont know how many times -hey you better lock up the shotgun- they havent even noticed I've had it out already... but I'm waiting, because I will not die while my enemies are still breathing, and I will not die while I still have options.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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