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my sleep is so fucked up, yeah I'm actually sleeping... that's what's fucked up. my bipolar usually works like this: 36-48 hours of "Beavis on Crack" mania and then 12 hours of "Gun in my Mouth" depression. During the manic state, I'm prone to 30 second or minute long depression reminders, where I'll hear a line of a song, or see a commercial or some news story, and I cry that silent cry I have where I just try to breathe and get through the song or commercial...... Right now it seems I'm in a constant state of depression, which is prolly from shootin dope everyday from last wednesday till monday of this week. I hardly got dopesick, yes the aches and pains and little bit of the "stomach stuff" but today's thursday and I'm holding in food and feeling ok, as ok as I ever feel when not manic. how fucking depressed, and shitty-feeling does someone have to be that their body turns them manic in order to relieve itself from the depression some of the time...? My mania is a defense mechanism. I wish it would fucking kick in. I'll have to force it, taking depressants (alcohol, narcotics) kicks in the depression and stimulants (coffee, lots of caffeine, cigarettes) kicks in the mania. I'm off my cycle right now anyway it doesnt matter. oh, earlier when I said commercials, like crying about commercials... no I dont get weepy over laundry detergent or cereal bars (although the general idea of the tactics they use to sell shit/capitalism makes me ill) the commercial that gets me crying is this child abuse ad, with these scenes of abuse and then the voice over is adults giving their excuses for not stepping in and doing anything about it and the whole time REM's Everbody Hurts is playing and that song alone makes me cry anyway, plus the song reminds me of Kurdt and how everybody failed him and that makes me cry and think about how everyone's failing me now... and the commercial ends with a shot of this dirty little blonde girl, the same age as I was when all the fucked up shit started happening to me and everyone just walks passed this kid and no one helps her just like they didnt help me and then I'm stuck for a minute afterward going over all the murders I've planned in my head for the people that hurt me, and trying to reassure myself that my suffering etc wasnt all for naught... so that's what my life has come to -- shallow revenge. "whatever gets you through the night is alright...." hey John, pass me that tube of black lipstick, I feel another "Crow" phase coming on!

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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