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so it's wednesday, I think. I'm back in Ohio right now, at the school's computer labs, working on bankruptcy shit. I work on it for three hours or so and feel like I'm no further than when I started, and things stopped making sense so I gave up. I got everything I could saved on two disks (it wouldnt even fit on 2 so I printed some things that I need but will most likely lose). Lon and I got into another fight. It wasn't so bad cuz I got out of there quickly but I'm sure it'll resume as soon as I get back. which oughtta be soon cuz I parked in one of the school garages so I wouldn't have to walk as far (very humid = knee pain) and I dont know when the garages formally open (they'll charge me...). so... what was the fight about? We've been in Ohio since sunday, we couldn't really do anything we needed on sunday but we managed to shampoo all four cats and flea bomb the apartment. we still have fleas by the way. I mean so many that for ten minutes after leaving the place you're still picking them off your legs, or outta your shoes.... Monday Lon's check never came. See, we're here to take care of the cats, totally move out (get the cats to NY), file bankruptcy and then appear in court for our eviction notice. In that order, pretty much. Well Lon was supposed to get an unemployment check sometime last week. It should only take three days for mail to get to NY from OH, it's been that quick other times. The automated info line says the check was mailed on the 9th, which was a week ago, an it's still not there. Also the $47 I'm supposed to get from social services hasn't shown up yet, that was spozed to be direct deposited into my account on Monday the 15th. I figure they cut off my benefits cuz of some dumb reason. We're really hungry by the way and for some reason I'm on the verge of mental collapse, which usually happens everyday but usually not without reason/warning.... OK back to the fight, the check didn't come today and Lon wouldnt go to the unemployment office to see why not. They wont talk to me on the phone, because I'm not him (actually I AM Lon, he is me, we are we... one entity...) and Lon doesnt possess the social skills to endure a phone conversation with a customer service representative of the ohio state department of job and family services.... so he says that I need to kind him some heroin cuz thats the only way hes gonna be able to talk to anybody in person (yeah sad, I know) and we only had just enough for a bag... I mean it was like ok money for parking to get to the place or food or heroin.... so I get the bag and then Lon still wont go... he hasnt left the bedroom since we got there. I'm serious, since we went back in the house after fleabombing sunday night he hasnt left the fucking place! One of the nights, I guess Monday night, he scraped a bunch of bags and got quite a nice shot from it. So of course when it's my turn to scrape tonight (he had 5 or so bags to scrape, I had ONE) he throws a fit about how I'm getting SOOO much more than him and other stupid junkie complaints and so I flung my spoon into the ashtray, knocked the pile outta his spoon and on my way down the stairs I told him to have fun sucking out of the carpet. which was especially funny seeing where it all landed was flea-egg infested. he was calling me all sorts of lovely names, the only terms-of-endearment he ever uses for me are bitch whore and cunt anyway.... Monday night Matt came over but he was freaking out cuz he stopped taking his meds last week (paranoid schizo and weed DO NOT MIX!) but he was over for a little bit and I told him that me and Lon are breaking up but Lon doesn't know it yet, he should know it cuz I keep telling him to get a bus ticket home to his dad, to call his dad and go home etc. Well Lon was right next to me when I said all this to Matt and Lon got all pissy, like I havent been saying this to him all summer, even longer. I mean HELLO if your girlfriend goes out and purposefully becomes a junkie I think that means she doesnt love you anymore. as if there ever was such a thing as love anyway.... the deal was that I got heroin and he got to have sex with other girls, so now he's jealous cuz I keep getting hit on by girls and he's too much of a fucking loser creep to get with any... yet why should he get both the heroin and the girls? this is all so lame. I put up with this shit because I dont think hes ready to be on his own, with no job, no place to live, no license etc but realistically I dont even care what happens to him or the cats or to any of the "friends" I sent "farewell" letters to and I dont really care about getting published or junkie.net or even attaining justice (getting my revenge). I just want to be dead. I want it to stop, to be finished. god damn myself for being a freak and getting my mom to hide her boyfriends shotgun. I knew I shouldnt have said anything. not that there arent other ways, that's just the best way.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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