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I've got a dilema. its like this, ya know how you hear someone say they're gonna do something, like everyday, but they never do it. whether they're just talkin out their ass or theyre just slackers, its still pretty lame. so things are looking up for me, no I dont have an apartment and I havent gotten the bankruptcy together yet and I'm still pretty much a junky... but I'm working at Crosman Guns, waiting on disability approval... so its like, yeah I'm still suicidal, yeah my relationship with Lon is as bipolar as I am but maybe when all these probs get dealt with things will be easier. If I can make it until fall, (that's the time time of year I feel better anyway...) the settlement should be here by October. Realistically its enough money for me to go somewhere and just start over. If I don't get the disability settlement though, then I'm totally fucked and all bets are off. It goes back to what I was saying earlier, that I dont want to be a complete retard and be talking and trying suicide for almost 20 years now and not fucking do it. Anybody see the "Hot Sexy Forever" VH1 special? They got a little thing on Kurt, someone says something like, "see he had to kill himself, he set himself up, it was the period at the end of the sentance of his life... to live a life like that and NOT kill yourself, thats just lame... but he accentuated every point his music ever made, the ultimate 'see, I told you so'" then he went on to talk about how much more meaning Kurt gave his music by killing himself.... The whole time Lon was in the other chair, looking over at me nervously, cuz I've been saying the same shit about MY life for a decade now....

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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