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I finally sort of passed out around 5am but I had to be awake to pick lon up from work at 7. I was actually only 5 minutes late. Mania is still raging, only slowed a little by my exhaustion and the hangover, which isnt that bad btw. I read over chat logs from last night... man I'm pretty mental.... I dunno, I didnt go ape or anything but the southern comfort does help with the inhabitions, or maybe thats just an excuse. It's not like I bared my soul or anything (my aura's well secured behind my walls... actually I think my aura is made of concrete). anyway i was pretty out of character last night, or rather, I was myself... the self I want to be anyway (sexy and carefree) at least some of the time, at least more often than I am now. Maybe it was just all the sexy people I was talking to last night rubbing off on me. man I wish someone would really rub off on me! not just someone though. shit I could get fucked all day long if i wanted to. but I'm better than that... there arent too many people worthy of fucking me. I am a goddess! shit I need to put the hot air balloon that my ego has become to rest. I wish I could sleep. I wish my brain would just stop, let me rest, let me catch up.... my body fucking hurts, just aches when I'm manic like this, goin without sleep for so long. the past two weeks Ive been getting these tremors deep inside. its not like my usual twitch, which is more obvious, (right now for instance, my eye is reminding me of the history teacher's in Daria) and also my kidneys have been hurting more than usual (ok drinking a liter of hundred proof whiskey in the span of 4 hours prolly didnt help...) and on my back, "above" my kidney, more towards the surface (I really need to find my anatomy textbooks) its more... -superficial- i think the word is that Im looking for anyway I got a "bump" there... and I say to myself in an arnold voice "its not a tumor" but arnold isnt being that convincing.... cuz the thing really hurts when i touch it and it feels like it goes pretty deep. but who cares, right? I mean it would be exactly the sort of thing to happen to me, to get cancer right when I finally get over the suicidal shit.... oh I wish there was a god, so that all my suffering would mean something. i wish there was a god so that thered be someone to blame other than myself.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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