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getting back to that moment of clarity getting stuff out of my head crap... I had been chatting with someone at the time, thats why I lost the window of opportunity. But I was actually talking about the stuff with him sort of. We got onto a discussion where he played devils advocate a bit. pretty interesting. I havent asked if hed mind if I put this in my diary so Im taking his name out. Im editing it some, just to include the more "philosophical" parts, the stuff that deals with what I wanted to write about earlier. The other stuff I'm keeping cuz its shit I wanted to write about in here anyway. god I need to sleep.

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anoisedrift: I wish the hard cover editions didnt cost so much, the first one's $30, the rest are $50 and theres about 6 of those

: Yikes.

anoisedrift: yeah and I'm pretty much anti-"stuff" so... thats way too much to pay for something I'd end up losing or ruining or leaving behind...

: I know what you mean. I solve that problem by being totally pro-stuff and keeping everything.

: except that I did pay $80 for a hardcover edition of The Crow, but that got me a 15 minute talk with O'Barr as well

: That's cool.

anoisedrift: and then he signed it, drew all over the back cover...

: Very cool. What's he doing these days? Any idea?

anoisedrift: and THEN he left a personalized message for me on the inside that I didnt notice until after I left.

anoisedrift: I dont know, he was a pretty quiet and sorta depressed guy

anoisedrift: but he had like this fucking enterage of hot chicks with him...

: Wow - what a connection!

anoisedrift: so I figure he's sittin at home playin p2 screwin hot chicks enjoyin his millions.

anoisedrift: I'm sure he'd heard it from fans before but I told him how important the Crow had been, with the whole vengeance/justice for the bad things that happen to good people...

anoisedrift: and how I came across the crow was interesting too. My full name's Joey Barr, and at that point I was going by Jo cuz I used to totally fucking hate my name...

anoisedrift: so I was in a skateboard shop and was walking by some comics, which I wasnt interested in at all

anoisedrift: but then I saw my name out of the corner of my eye

: That's pretty freaky

anoisedrift: and thumbed through it... it was one of the original series, not the full graphic novel. I had a hard time finding the back issues

anoisedrift: but then the graphic novel came out a few years later when they started doing the movie

: I've got several of the early issues -a friend of mine was managing a comics store then - I might even have the whole series - I lost interest in comics right around the time that it came out.

anoisedrift: thats so awesome. Ive only got the one but its signed too, I had him sign everything.... Ive got the rest of the crow books that he did after the graphic novel and movie came out though.

: Do you want 'em if I can find them?

anoisedrift: lost interest after he left... even though I think mcfarland's behind the wheel now

anoisedrift: holy shit are you serious??thatd rock!

anoisedrift: hell yeah!!

: Ok, I'll look for 'em - I think I know where they are

anoisedrift: thats a hell of a contest prize dude

: Well, they'll make you way happier than they'll ever make me, so IF I can find them, they're yours.

anoisedrift: yeah this is awesome

anoisedrift: I'm gonna have to send you more of my stuff, I only had the one book ready to mail

anoisedrift: they dont have any good copy places around here, as much as I prefer locally owned small businesses I would kill for a Kinkos right now

: Well, don't get too het up yet - they could be lost.

anoisedrift: I'm pretty close to Rochester and they dont even have one there,

anoisedrift: noooo... dont jinx it

: Like I said - I think I know where they are - but I haven't seen that box since I moved into where I live now - six years ago.

anoisedrift: lol its not a problem

: Anyway, I'll look when I get home.

anoisedrift: cool

anoisedrift: yeah I usally never get my hopes up for anything... whine whine

anoisedrift: I think I lost all my readers cuz of that American Psycho stuff I put in my diary... lol

: I haven't gotten to that yet.

anoisedrift: I typed up my fave chapter

anoisedrift: "Tries to Cook and Eat Girl"

: I've never read it. I didn't much like his other stuff, so I never got around to that one.

anoisedrift: I think you're supposed to not like his stuff... that it's supposed to leave you well... "blah"

: Well, then, he's pretty good at it.

anoisedrift: was it the feelings you felt after, (or lack thereof) or did you genuinely not like his writing

anoisedrift: exactly! see you like Ellis after all

anoisedrift: I really fucking hate Less Than Zero...

: I read less Than Zero and thought, "This reads like the crap I was writing in 10th grade - and even I didn't think THAT was good."

anoisedrift: haha yeah thats how I feel about Palaniuk

: Never read any of that noise.

anoisedrift: yeah i thought I'd check him out cuz I liked the movie Fight Club a lot

anoisedrift: and I read so much that its nothing to throw in something else

anoisedrift: not too much of a loss if it blows

: I don't remember much about Rules of Attraction, except I thought it was just more of the same as LTZ.

anoisedrift: yeah it was a continuation sorta

anoisedrift: I liked that one better though, not too much fucked up shit, and that one had more of Julian in it I think, he's my fave character

: So, when AmPsycho came out, I said, "Not with yours" and left it alone.

anoisedrift: bah, its really good

anoisedrift: did you see the movie? they actually did an ok job with that

: Well, he shouldn't have written such crappy stuff first if he wanted me to read it.

: No, never saw it.

anoisedrift: but you get more of the decadance, the unfullfillment of "stuff"

anoisedrift: in the book.

anoisedrift: more hardcore sex too!

: Can't argue with that.

anoisedrift: but you're not supposed to like his stuff, remember... so you might really fucking hate AmPsy

anoisedrift: or it might be the only one of his book you like, then you'll know you're a fruitcake like me

: An interesting puzzle.

anoisedrift: and then you can quote your fave passages in your diary

anoisedrift: and then the FBI will flag you

: Yeah. That would rock.

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anoisedrift: back to that guy who owned the comic book store: I had a hook up like that with used cd's...

anoisedrift: for someone who's such anti-stuff, i got way too many cd's

: Well, it's hard to fault someone for having a lot of music

anoisedrift: yeah it could be worse I suppose, its not all that decadent or empty, at least they have a function

: Yes, indeed.

------------------------------

anoisedrift: yeah, came at a good time too that episode was really funny, I first saw it when I was trying to stay clean, the first serious time...

anoisedrift: we first tried to kick on our own the weekend after 9-11

anoisedrift: that didnt work... so then it wasnt until november when my mom showed up and dragged me to rehab

anoisedrift: which was fine cuz my fiance had just been laid off that week

anoisedrift: so then after that we manged to stay clean for a couple months

anoisedrift: so it was during that time when I saw that snl with brittany

: I can imagine that must have been a tough time.

anoisedrift: yeah I had some good distractions though, friends, weed...

anoisedrift: wasnt till the distractions vanished that we started using again

: I would imagine that was helpful

anoisedrift: that was the on off time from about january on its been like on n off

anoisedrift: but Im not so self destructive anymore, dont need the coma... Im back in new york trying to deal with some of the shit instead of just hiding from it

: Good for you!

anoisedrift: yeah, sort of...

: Doing something, even if it doesn't "work," is always better than doing nothing.

anoisedrift: cuz my preferred why of "dealing" with the shit Ive been through would be to just line everybody up and shoot them

: Who is "Everybody?"

anoisedrift: or go "Night of a Thousand Knives" and have my henchmen do it for me

anoisedrift: my cousin, his parents, my parents, all my old babysitters and whichever of their kids fucked with me too...

: Well - yeah - I can understand that desire

anoisedrift: then from later on in life that guy who tried to rape me and the crazy bum in france who tried to do the same thing

anoisedrift: but I unleashed fury on the first guy and the second guy's lucky he's a crazy bum

anoisedrift: actually I've thought about getting a lawyer

: A lawyer to do what?

anoisedrift: suing them...

anoisedrift: creating some huge scandal to rock this little town

anoisedrift: its like living in Twin Peaks, without the backwards talkin midgets

: Yikes!

anoisedrift: yeah you dont wanna go into the woods at night around here

anoisedrift: lol

: I'll keep that in mind.

anoisedrift: but seriously Im thinking of suing them, but they really dont have anything... I mean if they had to sell their house and their belongings or if I could get their house (they = aunt n uncle)

anoisedrift: but really am I shallow enough to where I'd get satisfaction from doing that... or shit even killing them... that still wouldnt fill the hole

: I hate to say it, but if you are thinking, you better stop thinking and start looking, because it might be too late.

anoisedrift: I thought they ended the stat of limitations for child abuse?

: I can't speak for new York for certain, but to my knowledge, that is not the case. Further, even if they do end statute of limitaitons, it will only be going forward

: Previous cases would not apply.

anoisedrift: so I guess Im just gonna have to shoot them...

anoisedrift: either way once Im through with them theyre gonna wish they were dead

: I would recommend not shooting them.

anoisedrift: Lon (fiance) says that i should stick around here and be a constant nuisance in their lives

: I wouldn't do that either. Why put yourself through that?

anoisedrift: jus do dumb shit like let all the air outta their tires

anoisedrift: or cut the electricity

anoisedrift: my aunt and uncle own a resteraunt, I should do something there, throw a handfull of bugs into the spaghetti sauce

: Bad ideas all. The law doesn't have an exemption because "they deserve it."

anoisedrift: bah law-schmalls...

: Sure - ok!

anoisedrift: you know what pisses me off, they just overturned capital punishment of those with IQs under 60

anoisedrift: isnt that the mentally retarded line, 60?

anoisedrift: well they should let all those with really high IQs off too

: To my knowlkedge, there is no accepted hard number, but 60 is pretty low.

anoisedrift: too dumb to know the dif, too smart to know the dif

: The problem with retarded killers is that they are usually made to do it by someone who does know the difference.

anoisedrift: cuz for myself, I have no respect for any law that I didnt create... there is no god, I might as well be god... if the lights red and no ones around Im going through it...

: Laws were created to make society run smoother. Society can't function with people who think that they don't have to obey the law because they weren't asked if it was ok with them.

anoisedrift: there is no outside good or bad or right or wrong, I just do what I find natural, and what I can live with myself in the morning after doing it... and I guess thats how I would define right or wrong

anoisedrift: whereas me doing something wrong would be to break one of my own ethics

: Ah, but where did you get those ethics?

anoisedrift: um 8 years being locked in a basement everyday and unguided genius

: So everything you think is right you figured out for yourself?

anoisedrift: but societies rules are wrong... look where theyve gotten us...

anoisedrift: yeah pretty much... I mean Ive had some influences but really I found those on my own, took what I needed from them to support my own views...

: Your statement is patently false. Society's rules have gotten us into the wealthiest, healthiest, most open, caring, free life that has ever existed anywhere. Is it perfect? no.

anoisedrift: I'm not wealthy...

anoisedrift: Im not healthy...

: yes you are.

: Yes, you are.

anoisedrift: I am not caring and I am not free.

: What do you make a year?

anoisedrift: which year?

: Last year.

anoisedrift: Ive never made above the poverty line

anoisedrift: thats for sure, and thats working two jobs, more than 40 hrs a week

: That's still 10 to 100 times more than most of the people in the world make. My point is this - yes, there are tons of problems. But without western ethics and societal values, we'd be living in a much worse place.

anoisedrift: but I am suited for living in that much worse place..

: Notice that I didn't say "free, wealthy, and healthy" - I said "freeEST, healthiEST," etc

: How do you mean?

anoisedrift: if my only worries were to feed myself and find shlter I could handle that

anoisedrift: theyve got a blissful ignorance in third world nations, a simplicity Id like to get to

anoisedrift: thats why Ive always wanted to do the peace corps stuff

: Well, you'll never get there - you alredy know too much!

anoisedrift: read brave new world??

: Sure

anoisedrift: Im pretty much just like the savage

anoisedrift: and we know what happened to him

anoisedrift: but no, I think I could be happy if I joined the peace corps, made a "career" out of selflessness....

: Ahh - that's quite different from what I thought you were getting at!

anoisedrift: what did you think I was gettign at?

: Not sure, really - some sort of "noble savage anarchist" kind of thing.

anoisedrift: you mean a suicide kinda thing?

: No - not at all

anoisedrift: thats prolly the most noble and anarchistic thing one could do...

anoisedrift: but Im not an anarchist, ok I follow my own rules... but I still am socially integrated, Id still like to change things from the inside

: Far from it - anarchy assumes that all are actively involved in the community.

anoisedrift: are you sure? not according to the anarchists Ive met

anoisedrift: they dont even vote

anoisedrift: "I dont vote, I'm an anarchist" is what I heard a shit load of times...

: I'm quite sure what anarchy means.

anoisedrift: I was trying to get more college kids to register to vote

: What you heard is "I don't know what I'm talking about, so I'll say I'm an anarchist"

anoisedrift: and then to actually get off their asses an vote...

anoisedrift: yeah most likely...

: There are three definitions of anarchy -

: absence of order

anoisedrift: I actually havent read up much on political and philosophical theory

: a state of lawlessness where there is no control or order

: a utopian political system where ther is no 'government' because all people who live in the society work together to prevent the need for one.

anoisedrift: I want to be the uncarved block... and carve myself... like how I was saying with my comics the other day, that my talent comes from me, not from me looking at and them imitating other people's talent...

anoisedrift: if I were a musician Id never listen to music...

: The ignoramuses you are talking about had no idea what they were talking about

anoisedrift: that third definition sounds about right

anoisedrift: there are just too many people tho

anoisedrift: and I guess too many people like me... who are being counterproductive

anoisedrift: doh!

: No, it doesn't, because the dopes you were talking about really meant "I want to do whatever i want when I want and no one can stop me."

: Doh?

anoisedrift: so I should just give in and get a 9-5 and a four door sedan?

anoisedrift: and be a good consumer and buy stuff...

: Please. Don't put words in my mouth that you know aren't there.

anoisedrift: no I was following my own logic there, according to the third def of anarchy you stated,

anoisedrift: i should assimiltae

: I don't see that at all.

: It certainly isn't black and white.

anoisedrift: but what I do is counter-productive of what the majority

: Either anarchy or some sort of Brave New World/Anthem uniformity.

anoisedrift: ah but there is no gray in my world... its all or nothing to me

: Baloney.

anoisedrift: thats how my psyche's developed, the bipolar shit

anoisedrift: there is no "happy medium" just extremes

anoisedrift: I dont eat for a week, eat a weeks worth at once

anoisedrift: dont sleep for a week, sleep a weeks worth at once

anoisedrift: I drive at least 80 mph...

anoisedrift: or not above 30...

: In all circumstances?

anoisedrift: I am either fully clothed or totally naked...

anoisedrift: I talk way too much or dont say anything at all...

: So regardless of the situation, if you're in an 80 driving mood, you always drive 80?

anoisedrift: Im pretty cut n dry, there are almost two selves here

anoisedrift: yup

: Whether it's snowing or sunny, or if you're on the highway or in the middle of downtown?

anoisedrift: I try not to drive when Im manic

anoisedrift: uh huh...

anoisedrift: and if peole are in my way I go around

anoisedrift: like the berm, the grass...

anoisedrift: riding in a car with me is a life changing experience

anoisedrift: but Im really trying to bring my selves together, to get that medium and balance

anoisedrift: I just feel like Im giving up though

: Why would you choose to give up?

anoisedrift: like the manic me and the depressive me are good, even though I know they arent...

anoisedrift: my mania gives me super human powers that I dont want to give up

anoisedrift: for me to be normal, it would feel like I was giving up

: But your mania does not give you superhuman powers.

anoisedrift: part of mania (of every manic) is an inflated ego,

anoisedrift: and delusions of grandure

anoisedrift: but I say that its not a delusion if you make it come true

: Yes, I know - I have dealt with a friend of mine who is manic, and who has fixated on me as a source of evil in his life.

: He believes I can control people's thoughts. We're not close any more.

anoisedrift: super human powers = superior intellect and information processing speeds, the ability to be awake for so long to not need sleep or food...

anoisedrift: thats not mania... unless thats his axis #2..

anoisedrift: most paranoid schizzos are manic...

: Yes, but those are not so special when you crash at the end.

anoisedrift: but I only do that once a week

anoisedrift: isnt superman entitled to a little down time?

: Well, I know he is manic-depressive, and has delusions - I don't know more details

: Actually, Superman doesn't need downtime.

anoisedrift: well theres kryptonite

: he just keeps going and going an going

: Yeah, but that's like poison.

anoisedrift: so my depressive fits, thats like kryptonite

anoisedrift: exactly!

anoisedrift: so do you think superman would give up his powers to lead a normal life?

: Hard to say. Depends on what he wants.

anoisedrift: or does he feel compelled to give himself up, sacrifice his life, for the good of humanity?

anoisedrift: yeah I need to get my ass in the peace corps or some program like it

anoisedrift: thats the only middle ground I can see myself actually conforming into

: I get the sense that a lot of what's going on in your life is you being frustrated and that you're not doing what you really want.

anoisedrift: well my life is one big confliction, a contradiction of sorts

anoisedrift: the manic me wants to go out and save the world, or at least take over and change things...

anoisedrift: while the depressive me want to put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger

: The thing is - you don't have to conform to any one thing. You can live the way you want.

anoisedrift: but there are two me's, two different wants...

: What are they?

anoisedrift: what I said above, to save the world or to kill myself...

anoisedrift: all or nothing...

: I don't think those are so different, actually. They seem like two sides of the same desire - just one is optimistic, and one is pessimistic

anoisedrift: yeah ones manic, ones depressive

: Yes.

anoisedrift: I need middle ground. thats what i want.

: Do you take a mood stabilizer?

anoisedrift: I used to

: Why did you stop?

anoisedrift: it was called heroin lol Im kidding

anoisedrift: I was on depakote and celexa

anoisedrift: I stopped cuz it was working...

anoisedrift: and I didnt want a happy medium at that point

anoisedrift: I wanted a coma

: Well, as a someone who gets the thrill of depression without the plus side of mania - I'd say go back on it.

anoisedrift: yeah Im going to have to anyway when I get the disability shit goin

anoisedrift: Im just trying to get my mind prepared, get to where Im not going to reject treatment again

: Good plan.

: Seriously.

anoisedrift: yup.

anoisedrift: gonna get the cash, get the meds...

anoisedrift: move somewhere, be someone else, get back into school finish my degrees

anoisedrift: do peace corps

: I applaud you!

redblur3000: Seriously, I think that might sound smarmy, but I dont mean it that way. it's hard to take your life over.

anoisedrift: lol thanks...

anoisedrift: ? hard to take my life over?

redblur3000: It hasn't always been yours - and you're taking it over.

anoisedrift: oh ok, yeah definitely

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Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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