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I was in the throngs of massive depression earlier, pretty much until I put in the Nirvana tape with all the recent Mtv crap on it. Sometimes Kurt makes things worse and sometimes the whole idea of him is so absurd (in a Catch-22 way) that it's hilarious.

Things that kick in mania (good mood):

high doses of caffeine or other uppers

driving fast

inappropriate laughter

creative ideas

so I was being a negative creep this morning like I have been for a while now. It's a number of things: I'm still adjusting; I have no friends; I sit around the apartment all day bored as god; I've been drinking too much; I'm always depressed late October - Thanksgiving; I miss Boggy, I need some animals around me, this is pretty much the first time in my life when I haven't had an animal companion; I miss Prett and Lon and just driving around in bumfuck either smoking weed or looking for weed; my health has been worrying me, the last time I was on birth control pills (1997) my ovary "exploded" and now I'm back on them and something's not right inside me... I bleed, a LOT and I never really had to deal with this girlie getting periods/pms shit before, plus I don't think I'm supposed to be bleeding at all let alone this much and I get cramps and headaches and my back hurts and my boobs are swollen as if they need to be any bigger and those hurt too, then there's the water retention and bloating........ Mentally I'm worried that my organs might explode again or that I'll have to see a doctor (which will include I'm sure someone sticking something inside my body against my will yet again...) and I'm stressed about the americorps application because I don't think I could handle a rejection of that magnitude and I'm stressed about the bipolar research thing I thought I was going to be a part of and I know my past is going to come back and haunt me again with that..... so I'm a negative creep... so I'm cranky... I only wanted to fucking drive home.....

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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