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this whole recovery thing has been pissing me off lately. ok not so much pissing me off, its just frustrating. I'm coming together, the two parts of me. the angry child and the crying adult don't get along very well, they dont make good roomates in my mind. I'm hoping when they finally settle down and start working together that the attitude that emerges doesn't carry with it too much of either personality and that it has an equal blend of the pathetic and the psychotic.

I'm getting a conscience. OK I always had one, but I could rationalize it away, and I could ignore it. I didnt feel bad that often because the only times I felt bad about something I did is when I was that pathetic crying person, nd I'm only that person about 20% of the time. But when I would get depressed it would be this huge ordeal of crying and black thoughts running wild in my head. Presently Im starting to feel bad about things, when I'm not already depressed. And it doesn't lead to some huge breakdown. Usually when I get sad it's because some outside factor reminds me of something bad, for example I hear a song, or see something on tv, or the cat does something that reminds me of my old kitties. so I cry about that, but once the feelings start, they dont stop, and I end up crying over and thinking about pretty much every bad thing that ever happened to me, and every bad thing that I've done and every bad thing that's happened to every person that's alive right now or that has ever lived and all the bad things they've done, and then it moves onto how awful humans are and that we dont deserve ownership of this planet, it was all an accident that we're here anyway and all the pain and suffering forever and ever is all for nothing because in the end we all die and rot and we even screwed up that process where we dont even give our bodies back to the earth anymore, we took ourselves out of the whole cycle of life.... so its very stupid to ask me what's wrong or why I'm crying because I'm crying for the little girl I used to be, and I'm crying because the dinorsaurs died and I'm crying for the witches that got burned and for every women that's been raped, or had her clit smashed off with a rock, for every woman who has had to depend on a man for anything ut love, and for the people who got walled into their homes because their brother might have had the plague and for Anne Frank cuz she never got a chance to kiss a boy... I cry for all the stupid fucked up bad shit that's ever happened.... So my sadness has no limits, but it's starting to these days.

I dont cry as much, in general, as I used to. I think this is due to a few factors, not only from "working the program". I've been tired when I go to bed, so I fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time. I've been working a lot so I spend less time around things that trigger the depression.... Less triggers = less depression.

Last night I was at a birthday party for a girl I work with. I brought 2 4-packs of wine coolers. I had three and "shared" the rest (though I would have drank one or two more had they not been "shared") They had made some screwy drink, strawberri bacardi mix made with GIN instead of rum... wasn't bad, was the first time I've had gin. The first drink was fine, the second was fine, but the third had much more gin than the previous two and I poured it out. Yup, I POURED OUT A DRINK. I was feeling dizzy and I started panicking, I didn;t want to lose control of myself and I took a sip of the drink and sort of gagged, and then I oured it out. What the fuck is going on with me? I don't know who I am anymore. I'm scared because I don't know who I'm turning into. But anyway, whoever it is I hope she weighs 50 pounds less and is self-supporting....

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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