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I guess eric seems to think that everything is "back to normal". He said last night that he's in a much better mood now and feels a whole lot better having gotten that shit off his chest. well I guess that's good... for him.... Me on the other hand.... What am I supposed to do, pretend I never read that, pretend he doesn't feel that way? There's nothing I can do to change the things he bitched about. HE KNEW I was like that BEFORE I came down here so he's got no right to bitch about anything.

anyway I'm on step two in getting my hair blonde again. First time I bleached it lightned it up from black to dark red with some black still. This time its white from the roots to an inch up then bright orange to bright red for the rest. Kinda like the Fender Sunburst paint. Looks trippy when I pull it back. I think one more color stripper oughta do it but I need to wait a week for my hair to heal.

I was going to pick up another phone book route today, and maybe I still will, but I'm going to try to sign up for medicaid and food stamps or something. There's a place that does that stuff near where I work. I was also thinking about applying to some temp agency that another americorps member has worked for in the past. She saw me typing today and said I should go there cuz they'd definitely hire me. They only do office help type stuff and I have no office appropriate clothing so I doubt that would work. My hair's also too fucked up looking for me to be applying at places right now.

I fucking hate having to pretend I'm someone I'm not or having to go against my personal ethics in order to survive. I don't know how making myself feel like shit is supposed to be good for me.... Everyone seems to think that it is though.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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