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I am really fucking depressed lately. Being off my meds (Effexor XR and Lamictal) surely isn't helping, but I don't want to go back on them because they affect my sex drive (BUT YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID BEFORE THAT THEY IMPROVED IT) and I don't want to be on them forever. What really sucks is that I've been off the Effexor for over 2 weeks now and I am STILL getting the "brain farts" especially when I am exercising. (YOU EXERCISE??) I hate both my therapist Sharon and my shrink Pesikoff. (SO GET NEW DOCS) Neither of them gets it, this shit isn't working and I don't know what else to do or where to go. (HAVE YOU TOLD THEM "HEY THIS SHIT AINT WORKING" ??) Suicidal thoughts keep coming but I don't want to check into a hospital again (IF EVERY SINGLE PERSON CHECKED INTO THE HOSPITAL EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY FELT SUICIDAL THE HOSPITALS WOULD BE ALL FULL. BESIDES, YOU'RE NOT REALLY SUICIDAL, YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY. YOU CANT EVEN HANDLE WATCHING A VIDEO OF SOMEONE DYING, OR WHEN I CUT MYSELF. I WOULD BE HIGHLY IMPRESSED IF YOU KILLED YOURSELF) because I'm afraid I might never make it back out alive or with my brain intact. (YEAH I KNOW, CUZ YOU'RE JUST SOOOOO MENTAL� OH NO MY DADDY DIED... GUESS WHAT EVERYONES DADDY DIES� YOU WERE ONLY 7 YOU DIDNT EVEN KNOW HIM, GET OVER IT STOP MAKING MOUNTAINS OUT OF ANT HILLS) If there was a painless way to kill myself (I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST 10 WAYS OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD) and make it look accidental (THAT'S EASY TOO SEEIN EVERYONE KNOWS HOW CLUMSY AND ADDLEBRAINED YOU ARE) so the life insurance would pay up (WHY, WHO'S THE MONEY GOING TO? PROBABLY GOIN TO YOUR EX, THAT'S WHERE ALL YOUR OTHER MONEY GOES) I'd probably take it. (YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR. YOU FREAKED OUT WHEN I HAD THAT KNIFE. IF YOU'RE SO SUICIDAL YOU WOULDA LET ME STAB YOU LIKE I WANTED TO. YOUR BENEFICIARY WOULD STILL GET PAID TOO!)

Things with Joey are not good. (REALLY? YA DONT SAY) We are fighting a lot, (NO, YOU FIGHT, I KEEP IT TO MYSELF) mostly just bickering (YUP CUZ ALL I DO IS BITCH BITCH BITCH) but a few serious shouting matches. She freaks me out by being even more self destructive than me; she cut herself during our last big fight and I had to wrestle the knife out of her hands. She complains constantly about me either ignoring her or being an asshole to her. (WELL YEAH, CUZ THAT'S ALL THERE IS) We haven't fucked in what seems like forever. (NOT MY FAULT) I don't even really feel attracted to her anymore though. I look at her and I just see a big unattractive needy (NEEDY? WE ALL CANT BE AS "INDEPENDANT" AS YOU ARE) blob. (YOU SAID I LOOKED FINE IN MY PICS AND THE DAY WE MET IN PERSON) I can't take the guilt of feeling like she is so totally dependent on me for love, attention, food, money, shelter, etc. etc. (AGAIN YOU KNEW ALL THIS SHIT BEFORE I MOVED DOWN HERE YOU STUPID FUCK!) That's the main reason I wanted her to get a job, so if/when we ever split up (GREAT THINKING� NA WOULD CALL THAT "planning your relapse") she'll have a way to get by. (YOU KNEW I HAD NO MEANS TO GET BY WITHOUT YOU) She ends up getting dicked by AmeriCorps (HEY GET USED TO IT CUZ IVE GOTTEN DICKED MY WHOLE LIFE, BY EVERYONE, AND I DONT SEE IT STOPPING SOON, YOU SEEN LEGENDS OF THE FALL?? MY LIFE'S LIKE TRISTAN'S)- no real money, but she's stuck working there until November for 1/2 a scholarship - and then picks a stupid, menial job delivering phone books (WHICH YOU PICKED WITH ME AND GAVE YOUR BLESSING DUH OH MY GOD YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYONE WHO READS YOUR DIARY WHAT YOU'RE REALLY LIKE??) which is probably the hardest $125 either of us (YOU DIDN'T HELP THAT MUCH) will ever earn, (WELL YEAH CUZ MOST PEOPLE DON'T HAVE CUSHY SIT ON YOUR ASS ALL DAY JOBS LIKE YOU) and which has basically killed what little was left of my car's shocks. (STOP DRIVING LIKE AN IDIOT) And yet she just doesn't get why I'm constantly so frustrated and angry with her, she says "I'm doing everything you said you wanted me to do"; but it's like the genie from Aladdin's lamp, (MAYBE YOU SHOULD REWORD YOUR REQUESTS THEN) granting the wishes in such a twisted way that your third wish is just that it would all go away and return everything back the way it was before said wishes ever came along. (I'M SO SORRY YOU DON'T FUCK NASTY WHORES OR EAT FROZEN PRE-PACKAGED BOX O STEAKS FOR DINNER ANYMORE)

Everytime I see my ex Lisa, she just seems to look at me with such pity. (MOVIN RIGHT ON TO COMPARING ME TO THE EX� WHY DONT YOU TELL ALL YOUR STUPID READERS HOW YOU LEFT ME IN THE CAR FOR A HALF HOUR WHILE YOU WERE INSIDE "TALKING" WITH YOUR EX WIFE) It makes me feel like a total loser. (HMMM) Sometimes I wish she'd take me back. (MAYBE YOU SHOULD START TREATING PEOPLE BETTER HUH, YOU'RE GONNA BE SAYING THE SAME SHIT ABOUT ME SOON.) The money situation would certainly improve, (THO YOU SAID SHE'S SPEND EVERY DIME YOU'D MAKE SO i DON'T KNOW HOW IT WOULD IMPROVE) at least, but that's a minor consideration really. (IF IT WAS A MINOR CONSIDERATION IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN YOUR FIRST AND ONLY REASON LISTED YOU GREEDY PIG, MONEY OVER LOVER, GOOD TO SEE YOU GOT YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT) I feel like if she had really loved me or cared about me, like she maintains, she would have fought harder to keep me, tried harder somehow, maybe even begged me to stay. I guess she was "too proud to beg" though. (OR MAYBE YOU'RE NOT WORTH BEGGING FOR) It's just so fucking ironic; I left her mainly because she was codependent, whiney, sickly, overweight, and sexually unfulfilling to me, and ended up even worse on all counts. (INSTANT KARMA'S GONNA GET YOU, GONNA KNOCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FACE) Sorry Joey but that's just how it feels to me.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. My life sucks. My only pleasures now are getting fucked up, (YOU TRY TO ACT SO HARDCORE SOMETIMES.) playing music, (AGAIN WITH THE POSER STUFF, TELL THEM HOW OFTEN YOU REALLY PLAY AND TO WHAT DEGREE� YOU MAKE YOURSELF SOUND SO KEWL IN HERE) and chatting online (TRYING TO FIND A REPLACEMENT ALREADY, LADIES BEWARE!!) . I just need to be alone and I can't be. I have no idea what to do next. Any suggestions or help, or even just commiseration, would be welcome. (PUT ONE OF THOSE CYANIDE ANT TRAPS IN A CUP OF COFFEE. AFTER YOU DIE I'LL TELL THE COPS THAT IT MUSTA FALLEN FROM THE CABINETS INTO YOUR COFFEE WHILE YOU WERE IN THE BATHROOM)

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Know what? You should find me a heroin dealer so I can get hooked again. It would solve all the problems you have with me. I'd lose weight, I'd go to work everyday, I'd clean the house... even if I didn't feel like doing those things you;d have me as a slave, you could say "well you dont get your afternoon shot if the dishes aren't done" etc... see it's a great idea. oh yeah, you dont wanna spend any money on me, I forgot. I guess you could always blow the dealers to get me my shit. Maybe you'd even come to realize how much of a closet faggot you are.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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