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OK so bad news for me... the computer lab at work will be closing for the next two weeks. Yippee. I'll have to find out where the libraries are around here and see what their web services are like. I know back in canandaigua they only let you online for an hour at a time and you usually had to have an appointment. This might be my last entry for a while.

I'm getting sicker and sicker. My nose is starting to be congested and the fever kicked in last night. Untreated bronchitis usually morphs into pnumonia, so that's probably what's started with the nose and fever bullshit. My head feels like it's going to explode every time I cough, my chest continually burns, my diaphragm aches. I need to find a free clinic. I need to find a job with health insurance. Not that I could afford health insurance. I couldn't afford to do my treatment stuff back when I had insurance. $35 a week for insurance, $20 a week copay for psycologist, $25 a month for psychiatrist, $20 every two weeks for blood work, $25-75 for prescriptions every month... I didn't even make $800 a month to begin with. Couldn't afford to to be sane. Yeah... that's my excuse.... Anyway I was thinking of swallowing some first aid antibiotic creme, but Eric insists that "topical use only" doesn't apply to the top layer of my throat/lungs. Well, what else kills germs... bleach, peroxide, alcohol... now how to get those in my lungs... hmmm... we've got powdered bleach, maybe I should snort some of that... or maybe I can give myself a tracheotamy, then scrape out my throat and lungs with a small spatula.... It shouldn't be this hard to find medical care. It shouldn't be this difficult to be healthy. I hate america. seriously I do. not as much as I hate texas though. seems a lot of the problems america has right now are coming from texas.... shoulda just let them be their own country, facists don't deserve citizenship anyway.

So onto the dream I had yesterday. I think it came from a conversation I had with Matt. We were discussing the validity of Revelations. My views being that it shouldn't be in the bible, and though I take very little in the bible to be literal, revelations is just totally fabricated. So some dude has a dream, what makes it holy... cuz angels told him so? Matt takes everything in the bible literally, meaning whats-her-face really REALLY turned into a pile of salt, and Jesus really REALLY managed to satisfactorally feed a group of 5,000 with 2 fish and some bread. Anyway, I drank myself sick on tequilla Tuesday night, ended up sleeping on someone's balcony. I'll have to explain all this later. After I got home and was sleeping through the day I was very sick. Not just puking-sick, I got all that out of my system on the balcony. The fever had kicked in and I've got a general fog in my frontal lobe where things aren't clear and I'm having trouble making sense/making sense of things. So combined with the hangover, the sleep/food/water deprivation I was not feeling too well yesterday. So in my dream, a dream like the tuna noodle casserole thing, where I'm dreaming that I'm awake etc... I don't know how I knew it was Jesus, I just did. Jesus sits on the bed next to me, and is shaking me awake "Get up and eat something" he says. "Muuhhhhrrrg go awayyy" I say. "Seriously Jo you need to get up and eat. There's something we need to talk about." "uuughhhh, right now?" "yes, now" "Man...." So I sit up and blow my nose and I'm really dizzy from all that and when my eyes focus Jesus is standing there holding his hand out to help me up. He's wearing Docker type pants, berkenstocks and a plain maroon t-shirt. He's got long brown hair, a beard and huge brown eyes. He reminded me of Slater in Dazed and Confused, only a little older and with a beard. His nose was kinda big too, long and poofy at the end, sorta like mine is. I wrap myself in the white sheet I always cover myself with in bed. We go out to the kitchen and there's breakfast made. I sit down and Jesus and I have breakfast together. We made small talk. He hardly ate anything. After I was done I said "So what did you wanna tell me?" and he said "Something very important, something you've forgotten." Then I TOTALLY FORGOT WHAT HE TOLD ME! God I'm an idiot. I'm sure I'll remember. I know Jesus said "OK, you gonna remember that?" "Yup" "Are you sure you're sure?" "Dude, yes, I'll remember." "Did you do your word association trick in order to remember this" "yes yes, I'll remember..." "OK, good. Let's get you back to bed now, you don't look so good." "I don't feel so good" Then he tucks me in, kisses my forehead and walks out of the room. I woke up from the dream shortly thereafter. Before I remembered the dream I still had a feeling that someone was there, I expected someone to be there. This happens a lot when I wake up though. Then out of nowhere I thought of my old friend Janet. Who probably thinks I'm dead, who doesn't even know I moved to NY much less broke up with Lon and moved to texas.... She and I went through a lot while friends, but we didn't go through it together. I'm still unable to open up to females, and I still feel dorky talking about "girl stuff" or "sex stuff" (you'll notice little if anything in this diary about periods, cramps, boy-trouble, being horny etc). But I hadn't thought about her in a long time. When I started being hazzardous to my friends' health I decided to take myself out of their lives. This mostly has to do with Janet and Tyler and Lon a little bit I guess. Anyway, maybe Jesus was telling me something about Janet, or Janet can tell me what I'm forgetting. I don't know. I can't remember my trigger word, I guess no one has used it or I haven't seen it yet. Now don't freak out. I don't really think Jesus showed up and cooked me breakfast while I was hungover. And no I don't think he appeared to remind me to clean the litter box.... But something must have been so important in my subconsious as to manifest itself as Jesus.... I do remember him asking about my NA program and asking how my higher power was working, that it was a good choice of an HP. Maybe he was reminding me that I hadn't gone to a meeting in two weeks... and that I was an idiot for drinking 8 "shots" of higher grade quervo within 15 minutes. "Not healthy behavior Jo." No kidding, Jesus.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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