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BEFORE
slow, slow like sloth
10.16.03 9:15 a.m.
Dreampt last night that I was on the bank of a flooded river. I knew somehow I had to get across. There were three boats. Eric was in the first, Lon was in the second, and some dude I'd never seen before who had a big bag of was in the third. I got in the third boat. Good to see my subconcious knows what it wants... course I wasn't left with many options, as is always the case. Even "getting what I want" always is the least-worst option, not the best, not what I REALLY want. Eric said yesterday that he didn't force me to come down here, and I said "If you offer a starving man food he's going to eat it." Then he said "I wasn't responsible for you overeating." "Dumbass, I was speaking metaphorically...." I don't think he ever caught on. I don't know if free-will really exists, or if it's all illusion, but I would like to get as close to the real thing as possible. That means undoing vice and want and presupposition. One can get rid of vice and want but how does someone break free of all the crap inside their head?
In other happy news, I was looking at the U of H website, they don't even offer a degree in general studies, general humanities etc. Most likely will be finishing my french degree, yippee skip. The classical studies degree looked interesting, that would be an extra semester though. I also wouldn't be admitted into U of H cuz of my problems at OSU. So I do need a semester at the community college. I ing semesters. Quarters are nice and short, I'd rather learn the basics of twice as many things than go sort-of in depth about dumb I don't even like. Also by the time I figure out the professer is a fraud and a dumb-shit then there's only a couple more weeks I have to put up with his inane babbling... there's less time for me to flip out in class and throw my IQ points around. One guy at OSU was supposedly the smartest, best dude at OSU. Thing was, he's from Kentucky, as the thick redneck accent leads you to believe. I don't care if it was Steven ing Hawking, but if his voicebox talked in a podunk accent, I'm going to always think he's an inbred goat- er. That's just one of my prejudices, one that has yet to be proven false.
So it's exciting to think about being back in school, and all these changes are going to be great (as long as I find more boats to get across that river, I don't know why I didn't think of just trying to swim across) everything will be fine... but WILL BE is the future... and right now ing sucks. It's so close, and I'm anxious. Paranoid that something will happen, I'll manage to up something... and the whole unknown aspect, not knowing if I will get that apartment, not being able to get a job right now, not being sure if I will be able to get a job in time etc.... I'd like to get started on these things. I guess I could apply for places and tell them I can't start until Nov 10th. I dunno. Life needs a fast-forward button.
Always remember to quit while you're ahead.
I am a bipolar genius, child abuse & addiction survivor, who is now a single mother who works 70 hours a week and has had gastric-bypass weight loss surgery a year ago. Wish me luck cuz I need it!!!
Examples of My Insanity
Dead On Mental Health Quiz
Tuna Noodle Casserole Story
Explaining Myselves
Biting Off Redneck's Finger
Got So Crazy Scratched Til I Bled
How I Found Nirvana
Leaving Lon After 7 Years
Bad Luck On 3 July 4ths
Random Craziness (FBI Please Disregard)
How I Ended Up A Junky
Almost Getting Raped by a Marine
Typical Weekend in Ohio
How Cobain Saved My Life
How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?
AFTER
WHAT'S MY NAME?!?