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I haven't finished the dream/story in the last entry but don't worry, I will. As it is, it doesn't have a very good ending (I woke up before I could see it all played out) so I've been thinking about the ending. I've got a thousand stories in my head. Guess I'm waiting for the day when I can plug a jack into my temple and save everything in my head to hard disk. This diary is as close as I can get now. Kinda goes along the lines with my idea that before they die everybody should be "strongly encouraged" to write an autobiography or to write down everything they ever learned, or learned out of life. Then there would be a great catalogue of humanity, a human library and a reference for life. No more wondering what your grandparents were like when they were in their 20's. They'd all be open to the public and there'd only be a small fee to get to someone's writings, that fee would help run the whole operation. Just an idea of mine.... Anyway, I had sort of a panic attack last night about 4am. I was up reading and had finished the book when worry set in. Worry and sadness really. I don't know how it does it, how sad ness can be so invading like it is with me, and so penetrating. It's like the winter winds up north where you swear you feel the wind hitting your bones. In my manic-depression, my mania is nearly constant (it's how I'm able to function), it's not severe though, it's chronic. The depression comes like a car accident, I sometimes see it coming but there isn't enough time before it hits to do much of anything. I can only hope that all the preparations I've made will protect me, that my safety nets and seatbelts will work. Last night, no... I freaked for about a half hour and gave in and smoked a bowl. I hadn't smoked all day Sunday, and having smoked sort of a lot this weekend (and much in general since Oct) I wonder if it has something to do with that, that the THC levels keep me neutral. I've known they have but never to this degree. I've always known smoking, for me, was equivalent to taking a prescription, only cheaper and without such nasty side effects. So maybe it needs to be smoked regularly, like a pill must be taken at regular intervals, and that my moods were affected by not having smoked any yesterday. Interesting. So I need to back up off the pipe, spread it out more, be chronic with the... chronic. Yeah I wish I had chronic. Anyway, when the sadness hit me last night I was thinking "why can't love come and attack me in the middle of the night, why is it always sadness" and I also thought about why I don't feel the good emotions as strongly as the negative ones. I figured it was the bipolar aspect of it all. That I feel the mania spread out and not so intense, so the same goes for good feelings. The depression is rare but intense, like the bad feelings. My goal is to merge the two some day, to flatline the moods to some extent. Compared to three years ago when my bipolar was peaking, the highs and lows were more drastic and I can see now that it is leveling out over time. It makes me wonder many things, most of them are "what ifs", and what ifs are useless to me.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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