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So, I got the fuck outta Dodge real quick. People were pretty shocked. I went out with a bang though. Biggest bang came from (get ready to be dumbfounded) HARLAN. If you know me at all then you won't be that surprised. I get a sappy smile on my face just seeing his name, god damn he's so pretty! He's mailing me a pic so you'll all be able to see how damn hot he is and you too can ask yourself "Why's a dude that looks like that NOT in movies/porn?" seriously. He'd been calling off and on since "the trouble" (that's what we agreed to call it). I only talked to him once since the easter fiasco, and that was cuz I got a bill for those cd's he signed me up for and he acted like a dick when I called him about it, didn't even try to kiss my ass when I said I'd pay the damn bill (almost $30). So Saturday he called around 11pm and I was geeked out and had the ringer off, figured out people were trying to call all night around 1am checked messages though still kept the ringer off cuz I was still geeking, and didn't want "el diablo" to think I was home so he could come banging on my door again.... Anyway I figured it was too late to call Harlan back at 1am. I was sad that I'd missed his call, I'd been thinking abotu him that weekend cuz I was making up my mind about moving and wished I could see him again to make things right... (he's a very good ally, and a VERY bad enemy to have). I called him sunday afternoon and got no answer, left a short message saying I was sorry I missed his call and that I'd be home if he wanted to talk. Monday night about 9pm he called. I was just about to get geeked out. We talked for a few minutes and I said I was leaving in a couple days, he said he wanted to see me. I ended up spending the night. What a night! Ever since "the trouble" I've been wanting to see him again, it sounds mental but hey, it's me... the thing about abusive relationships is that 99% of the time they're PERFECT and then 1% of the time they're evil... and after dishing out a beating they get super perfect... so I never got that putty-in-my-hands apology, the "make-up" sex, the guilt from him. If I gotta take a can of paint to the head then I wanna see him cry dammit. So straight out of a movie of the week, he couldn't have been any more perfect Monday night. I couldn't have written a better scene. He SEEMED 100% sincere though. He's still going to a counselor, still in AA. There weren't any beer bottles in the house so he may even be working a truthful program, he also had an anger management workbook, some of the pages were done (I didnt snoop too much, I didnt read what was filled in, just saw that he'd worked on some of the exercises). Though he's not drinking, he seemed to be smoking more. Said he hasn't been with anyone since me, kind of hard to believe though he hasn't been with THAT many girls since his divorce. He sure fucked me like he hasn't gotten laid in 3 months, I got three months worth in one night... but it was always like that, fucken crazyass sex, I REALLY need to make movies with him when I get in shape. OK enough of that.

Weird things keep happening to me, I'd like to write about them but I'm almost out of computer time here at the library, maybe I'll be able to get back on later. Crazy shit like me going to church with my aunt and my old pastor coming down from behind the podium and whispering that he'd like to visit with me this week, and I got all paranoid like "shit! god's onto me!" but I'm thinking he wants to offer me a job as a christian pre-school teacher, my aunt says they've been having probs finding someone who's qualified who'll do a class of 10 for $8 an hour.... Me, x-tian pre-school teacher... oh how many things are wrong with THAT?? But it does fit into my personal philosophy that if you pretend you're something for long enough you eventually become what you're pretending to be. Like when I stopping thinking I was bipolar most of my symptoms went away, when I started acting thin I started losing weight. I need to pretend I'm a rock star... or pretend I'm happy or something. I'll keep you posted as to why the reverend thought it was so important to come down in the middle of a hymn to tell me he'd like to see me. Christ Almighty, indeed.

The other freaky thing, when I called my dad to set up a meeting he was way freaking drunk, like shitty cocked so he had me talk to Ruth (step mom). We talked for a while and then she commented on how much better I looked in the pic I sent them recently. She said her son "Punk" (Lyle) said "Who's the hottie??" Punk is 6 years older than me I think, I had a crush on him when I was 10. He may have been my first crush, I don't think anyone knew it at the time, I rarely saw my dad and he didn't live with them either. Anyway Ruth then proceeds to try to hook me up with Punk. HE'S MY STEP BROTHER!!!! Oh, if I have anymore inappropriate relationships I'm gonna be classified BORDERLINE instead of Bipolar! Fucken-A he's still hot though, looks a lot like Dave Grohl. Punk had a mohawk the last time I saw him, he was about 20 then, I've seen pics every time I visit my dad. Ruth says he got divorced a couple years ago from some woman who I remember looked like a Bon Jovi groupie from back in the day. She was cheating on him all the time. Ruth said she'd put in a good word for me and then gave me his cell phone number, what the fuck, ya know? He lives with them sort of, they have a 5 bedroom house and one of the bedrooms, technically in the attic, has it's own entry and back staircase. How creepy is that? More-so or less-so than the 14 year old girl who had a crush on me who ended up being VERY tempting?

Another weird thing, sitting at a bar with my mom (not too weird with my family, I managed to get drunk with my mom at 2pm two days in a row, a thrid time at 3pm with her ex-fiance, or Rick, my ex-almost-step-dad) and this dude started calling me Jenny, I didn't know him at all, he read my NIRVANA tat from across the bar and said there's a bartender at another bar who I should go talk to cuz "he's got like NO friends cuz he's a freak and creeps out most people... he's HUGE into NIRVANA though so he'd like you..." now to most people FREAK and CREEP aren't the signs of a quality, freind-worthy person, but to me those are high ranking must-haves in my friends (LOL). Also after the dude (who said his name was "Kurt with a K" and the dude sitting next time him said "No, his name is Jackass" cuz the dude was falling off his stool and cussing very loud n shit, I said that that was my middle name. I kept calling him Karl on purpose cuz he kept calling me Jenny. I'm pretty sure he didn't know me at all and just guessed that name. So after he said all that stuff about the NIRVANA dude at another bar he dumped his shot on the counter and set it on fire. I'm making friends all over the godamned place here. And I thought I'd have to take an ad out in the paper to find trouble!

A note on the "Yossarian Lives!" thing: the days after being nixed by O.U. I got to the library and subconsciously took out Catch-22 and the Count of Monte Cristo. I'd never read the latter in english so I wanted a non-french understanding of it, and Catch-22 had been on my mind the last weeks of work. It dawned on me later that both books were about escape and vindication. So work=Catch-22 cuz in the book they have to fly a certain # of missions before they can go home from the war, then when they get close to that number the amount gets raised, just like at work with that damn study I was calling randomly on, we needed 10 per group, every day we'd turn in people say monday we needed 10, tuesday we'd need 8, wednesday we'd need 9, thursday we'd need 6, friday we'd need 8... every time we'd get close and turn in 15 in a day the number we needed would barely budge. Another similarity is the (section-8?) insanity clause where Yossarian is trying to tell them he's crazy cuz anyone who'd fly that many missions has to be crazy so they should send him home and they tell him that crazy people dont understand they're crazy so he must not be crazy. Reminds me a lot of opinions unlimited, except there wasn't a naked man in a tree (cubicle) at work. But if there were, it'd definitely be Carlos. : )

"There was only one catch, and that was catch-22."

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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