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I ended up taking Geoff�s things back to the farmhouse yesterday. Yes, �DOORMAT� should be tattooed on my forehead. He wasn�t there, I kinda made sure of that before I went over. I still have some of his stuff, his NOFX cd�s that I need to dub and a book he�s letting me borrow. He�s got my copy of Perfume, I thought he�d like that story. Anyway, I guess things are going well with him and Shannon etc. He says he hasn�t spent the night there, but it didn�t look like he�d been at the farmhouse so I don�t know if he�s just trying to protect my feelings (HA!) or some other bullshit like that. I tried to explain that it didn�t matter, but if I gave away too much I�d end up sounding like a slut.

And speaking of� we went to karaoke last night, me and Rick and Melissa. I was pretty good on three songs, the best was that 4 Non Blondes song I fucking hate that everyone else seems to love so much. Some �professional� singer did �I Will Survive� right before me, which is a fucking easy-ass song to sing, one of those it makes you look like a good singer but really anyfuckingbody can sing the song kind of song. I knew I could blow her shit outta the water. After that song we all piled into the truck and went over to the Farmer�s. Right after last call Jason walks in and sits right next to me, in between me and Rick, with Melissa on Rick�s left. He asks for a beer but it was after last call so I slid him over my mostly jack and splash of diet, told him I didn�t need it, which was true, I�m getting sick of the taste of jack. We make small talk for a while sort of and then he says �I�m never having sex with you again, what we did was wrong� and I said �whatever, you liked it� and he said that I took advantage of him, that he was drunk and didn�t know what he was doing. I said �please, as if�� like I dragged him to a cemetery or knocked him down on someone�s front lawn, it was even his idea to jump the fence and fuck at the beach. He asked if I was a witch and I told him not to insult me. Janet put it quite well on the phone last night saying that I am beyond good and evil. The horns are long and sharp but the halo is bright and golden. Anyway, we all piled in Rick�s truck for a camper party back at our place. Jason�s brother Dale was outside with someone named Kirk. Jason was whispering to Kirk, prolly something to the extent of �fucked her ass in the cemetery last night� and Kirk was all smiles and �nice to meet you�s when he approached me. Sorry dude, got my lasers focused on the twins. After Jason passed out in the camper I started talking to Dale. All the other boys (Montrell, the kid I lent Anne Rice books to, who�s black but no one notices he�s black I guess, everyone treats him fine �it�s very racist around here-, that dude that looks like Layne Staley, he was here that Friday night the party interrupted me getting some from Geoff, and Kirk and Rick were all playing Euchre. Melissa was doing girl things with the girls. So after Jason passed out I talked to Dale for a while, you know, planting seeds to make it easier for me to take advantage of him when the time comes�. These boys have something seriously, disturbingly, wrong with them. Of course I like it. I tell Dale I was warned against hanging around them, that they were trouble and bad news. He went livid, �WHO SAID THAT?!?!� I told them that their masks must not fit too well and they should work on that before everyone catches on to how psychotic they really are. He said �Who the fuck are YOU?!� �I�m nobody, from nowhere� is what I said and I was thinking, � Yeah, wouldn�t you like to know�. � He said �So you�re the girl from last night� and I said �Depends on what you heard� �I heard quite a bit� he says, with one of those �so how you doin� head nods and sideways grins so common to New Yorkers, and I replied �All true, I�m sure� which made his eyes sparkle. Something happened to interrupt us and we never got back to much �deep� conversation after that. And I wanted to ask him if he and Jason were �exactly identical� if ya know what I mean. That can wait for next time.

Things died down, people were settling down, some in the house, some went home, much weed got smoked and shared very communistically, Jason was all bent up funny on the back seats of the camper and I pulled him down to straighten him out. I chilled next to him for a while, they�d pass the bowl back to me and then forget where it went and by the time I�d pass it back up it�d be just about cashed. Jason sat up and said he was dizzy, I�d been exhaling in his face all night, but I didn�t tell him. He and I changed spots sort of. The seats in the back of the camper are in a horseshoe, so he went from sleeping longways to sitting up and having his feet extend on the short cushions so I could lay down with my head on him. At first my head was on my arms but he dragged me closer to him, like how Geoff and I snuggled on the couch that day watching Fear and Loathing. After dozing off for, I swear, 15 seconds, all of a sudden there was no one left in the camper and my cell phone was telling me it was 5:15 AM. I say �Where the hell is everyone?� and He lifts my head, really tight grip, and starts making out with me. He�s a crazy good kisser, which is nice cuz besides Geoff (and I didn�t get my fill with him) I haven�t been kissed well in a very long time. So then I �take advantage� of him again� LOL, actually two more times in the camper, the man is a machine, he said he admired Bateman, so at least he lives up to Bateman�s sex drive and performance. He wanted to walk home but I found him a beer in the fridge and invited him up to my room, where I �took advantage� of him two more times, until there were no condoms left in the ten pack he bought the night before, and the last time we fucked the condom snapped, didn�t bust open but more like the thicker band that keeps it on the shaft ripped off to where that part was still around his cock but the condom had slipped down. He said he didn�t think he came that much, as if it takes boat loads and not just one little spermy to impregnate someone. After he fell asleep I cleaned up in the bathroom and hopefully the spermicidal gunk I used took care of any strays. Though it might be interesting to give birth to the anti-Christ and become the opposite of Mary. Jason woke up at some point and we fooled around some more, and he kept saying he didn�t want to be here, that he didn�t even like me or find me attractive, that I was a witch and using mind control on him, and then he�d smile and say that he�s just fucking with me and he may even want to see more of me sometime. Then he went back to saying that he�s never fucking me again, which is what he said after the first time he fucked me, you know before he fucked me like 6 more times after that, and he said the same thing on the bar stool next to me, �You do know that I am not going to fuck you tonight� you took advantage over me, and I�m not THAT drunk to where you can just decide I�m going to fuck you and it just happens� nope, no way sister, I am not fucking you tonight� And when he started fucking me last night I said to him �No, you said you weren�t going to fuck me, that you didn�t want to, I don�t think I should let you� just being a bitch, ya know, and he said �Let me? I don�t need your permission.� And he�s tearing my jeans down and off without unbuttoning or unzipping them.

So I slept till I�m not sure when, the credits for Dr. Phil were rolling, so like 4 PM I think. I came downstairs and my mom was doin up her hair, asking me if I ever called Geoff to tell him to get his ass over here and finish her floor. I slightly remembered making a call, asking him to call my mom and let her know what the hell he�s doing cuz she wants to hire a contractor but would rather have him do it cuz he needs the money and is cheaper and has done great work so far. I doubt that�ll happen. I doubt his friendship too. But whatever, maybe he�ll come around after the dust settles. I could use some friends and good influences, especially with all this evil (albeit half-assed wannabe evil) surrounding me now.

Today I�m walking over to my gramma�s, which is right next to the cemetery I got fucked in. I haven�t walked there ever but after Tuesday night I feel I can walk anywhere in this town. Cuz if I can make it home after all that happened� I can make it home ANY night. Energizer Bunny, Ken on Jeopardy, Lance Armstrong�.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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