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I thought it was Monday but I guess it's Tuesday. That's what the calendar on my cell phone tells me anyway. At least it's good for something.

Went into work, got there late again but only because they have synchronized their clocks finally and the time was the faster time, so that it nearly matches the time my cell gives me. Turns out I wasnt on the schedule anyway, even though I was when I wrote down my schedule on Saturday night.... Seems I shoulda called back the other night, whatever night it was, that I was drinking and work called me. I ended up staying the whole night, and I don't have a night off for the rest of the schedule, which goes to Saturday night again. Can I do ANOTHER 6 nights after just doing 6 in a row? Of course I can, cuz I just did. I managed to get through tonight with no pain pills, which is good cuz my eyes are itchy today goin without em... gonna take a break for a while. besides, I took bout ten of em whatever night it was I had off, and so they wouldnt work right if I take just one or two now.

That same day I had off, Sunday I spoze, I didnt wanna sleep that day and stayed online till my mom got home from work, then we went to the Moose lodge for drinks. Anyway I wanted some food and got the van n made my way down to where the food is, and of course had to drive down the road Geoff used to say was a short cut but really he wanted to go down it cuz it's ste street his wife and kids were on, and there's this playground and a stop sign right by it, and of course it being a Sunday afternoon they'd be there, Mohawk pushing his boy on the swings, Crackhead pushing her girl... all smiles and love and happiness and things I'll never feel. It hurt bad, like wanna slice my abdomen open, insert vaccuum and make myself literally as empty as I feel...and all I could do was cuss myself out, "you knew he'd be here, that's why you turned down this stupid road you stupid bitch" in the rearview, and hope he didnt see the van, the huge hulk of a van, and not think I'm stalking him... I really did want his friendship, but now not so much. Friends are for the weak, I remind myself... and "what happens to a shark when it stops swimming" and my other nonsense mantras that keep me going for some strange reason. And every beep of the door that announces a customer that ends up NOT being Lon, the sound cracks me a little and a piece of me chips off, flakes away. I'm still big, but I dont know how much of me there is that's left to fall apart. His silence is intentional, and as slowly suffocating as his thumbs were on my voicebox. There was no hatred in his eyes then, only deafeat, he knew he had lost me and the battery was the last ditch effort of a despret man. The cold, silent treatment, this punishment and hell, this hurts worse than anything you ever did that hurt me. But whatever, right? Obladi, obladah....

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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