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BEFORE
new tshirt hell newsletter
09.11.04 9:10 a.m.
Hooray for Tshirt Hell putting a smile on my face amid the clanging...
**Tragedy struck in Russia recently after the ill conceived, "Take a Chechen Rebel to School Day" got out of hand. Russian officials vow that next year they will return to the, "Fun With Borsht Day" that has proved to be so popular, and so safe in the past.
-------------------------------------------------------------Been There? Done That? Buy the T-Shirt.
President Clinton recovers from his quadruple bypass surgery and doctors say if he wants to avoid problems in the future, he will need to exercise more, drink plenty of water, and choose a less fatty mistress.
We have 5 great new shirts, and we've put together a special page that includes all of our political shirts. So whether you're a Democrat, a Republican, or like myself- a Registered Asshole, you should find something that works for you.
All of our new shirts are here
Last week in this column, I mentioned a sport European's call football. We Americans like to call it soccer, when we talk about it at all. Which fortunately, is not often. Usually, it's only to say things like, "I was having trouble falling asleep last night, luckily ESPN2 was showing soccer." Or, "How did it feel when that rabid badger bit you in the face? It was about as enjoyable as soccer." Anyway, tons of annoying, European people took the time to unhitch their oxen, and come in from the fields to "educate me" about soccer. "We call it football because we use our feet." They all whined. Yes, but aren't you wearing socks on those feet? Socks? Soccer? I rest my case. Like most Americans I have no use for Europe, especially since we built such a swell version of it at Epcot, not to mention the one we built in Las Vegas. Superior to actual Europe in terms of rides, as well as buffets both of these versions of Europe include things that appear to be kryptonite to most real Europeans; manners, toothpaste, and deodorant. Yes I said manners. Europeans are rude. They refuse to speak English. And the ones who do speak English speak it poorly or with a funny accent. We didn't save your pusillanimous asses from Hitler to put up with this kind ofpiss poor attitude. I understand that most Europeans hate Americans. Good. We hate you more. You have nothing that we want. Legalized prostitution? We have it, not to mention all of the slutty American girls giving it away for free. Crumbling ruins? Look at our inner cities. People speaking foreign languages? Get in a cab. Which brings me to another point, If you all hate America so much, will you please stop coming? I don't think they have patrol boats off the coast of Spain picking up flimsy rafts full of Americans trying to sneak into Europe so they can start a better life.
When I walk through my estate it's like a tour of Europe. My butler is English, my maids are French, and my gardeners all speak some kind of gibberish so I assume they're from Europe, too. I would ask them, but like I said they all speak gibberish. Not to mention the fact that like all ofmy employees, any of them trying to speak directly to me will be taken away and fed to the hounds. Anyway, my chauffer is German and my bodyguards are all from Belgium. Belgians, are surprisingly resilient.
I guess there are some good things about Europe, like EuroDisney, and I hear they've built a Hard Rock Cafe. But other than that I think it's pointlessand much too far to be of any use to anyone.
--
You think the people who send us hate mail are stupid? The UN weapons inspectors have announced they found no evidence of a secret nuclear weapons program. Really? Because you would think there would be tons of evidence lying around if they had a secret nuclear weapons program. Did they check under the bed?
Here's one in response to our new, improved instructions on how to remove oneself from our mailing list.
----- Original Message
From: Elaine L.
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2004 10:50 AM
Subject: Re: T-Shirt Hell End of August Newsletter
I AM NO IDIOT! I KNOW THAT YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN MY NAME FROM SOMEWHERE--YOU SURE DID NOT GET IT FROM ME! PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM YOUR NEWSLETTER LIST!
(Editor's Note: Elaine, you are clearly an idiot, or a Nigerian, most likely both. We did get your name from you. Did you suffer from another blackout? Where did you wake up, and how many of your bad places were caked in blood and semen this time? Please go back on your medication and stop sniffing glue you dried up old douche bag. We will not remove you until your education is complete.)
Original Message
From: "Whitney P."
Sent: Thursday, August 26, 2004 7:17 PM
Subject: racism
I was wondering if you hated black people or is that just part of the humor. I mean I love you shirts and all but I was jusy wondering. Well thanks
(Editor's Note: That's a good question Whitney. Let me think. Are
you a black person? Because I know I hate you. I pride myself on hating all people as individuals. All of you as individuals are worthy of my endless undying hatred, and scorn. To hate someone for belonging to a particular group is just too easy. Unless we are talking about the EFUR. There's nothing I hate more than an Estonian Philatelist. Those guys just suck.)
---------------------------------------------
----- Original Message -----
From: sidney d.
Sent: Saturday, August 21, 2004 1:59 AM
Subject: T-Shirt Hell Confirmation
heller, i want to see more t-shirt hell. more on t-shirt like 'incubus'. i thank tou...
(Editor's Note: Umm...yeah, we'll get right on that; whatever the fuck you just said.)
---------------------------------------------
----- Original Message -----
From: "Joe P"
Sent: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 10:58 AM
Subject: read this
love the way you think your superior to peole you dont know and have a total disregard for their views.thats not like all the twat-end yanks Ive ever met and taken the piss out of now is it. Your t-shirts can be funny but most of them are just crap yank humour mate that no-one with half a brain would
laugh at.
(Editor's Note: This is one of those Europeans I was telling you about. How could I possibly feel superior to you Joe; with your amazing grasp of grammar, spelling, and crack typing skills. I take it that you're
British. I'm glad you've taken the time to lift yourself off the floor of your local pub, out of the twin pools of your own vomit and urine, and write us. You must be a fan of that scintillating intellectual British humour like Benny Hill. His biting social commentary always made me stop and think. As they say in Jolly Olde England, "Go fuck yourself". Why couldn't Princess Di have had you on her lap, with a broomstick up your ass, that fateful night so many years ago?)
---------------------------------------------
----- Original Message -----
From: "Malissa "
Sent: Friday, September 03, 2004 9:53 PM
Subject: LARGER TSHIRTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I notice your shirts go to a size 5X, but have you considered making even bigger ones?? My husband wants one and hes a big guy, So he asked me to email and see if you could ever make bigger ones?
(Editor's Note: Bigger than 5X? Bigger than 5X? I think after 5X they cease to be shirts and start to become shelters. The man must have his own zip code. (Postal code to our friends in Europe.) If your husband is bigger than a 5X, than finding t-shirts that fit is the least of hisproblems. I would be more concerned about errant harpoons, or devious carnies looking to supersize their side show. Don't get him a t-shirt, get that man a salad.)
---------------------------------------------
----- Original Message -----
From: "MAtt B"
Sent: Sunday, August 29, 2004 12:43 PM
Subject: RE: T-Shirt Hell End of August Newsletter
hey dad school starts tomorow, call me when you get back, o yea i came in first in the time trials for cross country out of the whole team.
(Editor's Note: MAtt, first off stop calling me dad. Yes, I did fuck your mother, but there was at least a dozen of us so I don't think it's fair to single me out. I'm sure your real dad is very proud of you and glad to
see you're on the track team, and not off playing soccer.)
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This just in. The Russians are holding a rally to protest the the terrorist acts. Hearing this, the terrorists replied, "We had no idea you found our terrorism so objectionable. We thought you were into it. We're sorry, we'll stop immediately." Boy I'm glad that's settled.
Peace Ouch
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Always remember to quit while you're ahead.
I am a bipolar genius, child abuse & addiction survivor, who is now a single mother who works 70 hours a week and has had gastric-bypass weight loss surgery a year ago. Wish me luck cuz I need it!!!
Examples of My Insanity
Dead On Mental Health Quiz
Tuna Noodle Casserole Story
Explaining Myselves
Biting Off Redneck's Finger
Got So Crazy Scratched Til I Bled
How I Found Nirvana
Leaving Lon After 7 Years
Bad Luck On 3 July 4ths
Random Craziness (FBI Please Disregard)
How I Ended Up A Junky
Almost Getting Raped by a Marine
Typical Weekend in Ohio
How Cobain Saved My Life
How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?
AFTER
WHAT'S MY NAME?!?