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I don�t like it when I go so long without writing. I like to get things �on paper� as soon after they happen as possible, that way details are still remembered and the writing is fresh� it�s like you�re there too. When I go a few days (or weeks) my writing is just garbled up, not in any chronological order OR sequence of importance. I keep journals for myself, they�re very important for keeping track of myself. I reread constantly, making sure I�m living up to expectations and goals I�ve set for myself. On some days I�ll be more �with it� and I�ll read that entry and get �with it� again. And on the days where the entry is all Negative Creep-ish, when I read those entries and figure out what my problem was and how to avoid those problems/situations/feelings again Journaling also helps me keep track of the days, what I did, who I saw, what hours I worked. I need to update more often.

I don�t even know what all I�ve gotten down on paper. Did I talk about Christmas yet? Bringing the diary up to date isn�t what I wanted to write about today anyway. I wanted to write about Greg, cuz he�s been a pain in the ass lately. Last Wednesday was the last day he worked. He doesn�t work again til January 10th and I think he plans on being drunk the whole time. And he sees nothing wrong with being drunk the whole time, I guess that�s where the problem is. I try to think back to my using days and remember whether or not I thought it OK to have track lines. I know there was a point where I didn�t care if people knew; I tried really hard not to buy into the �coolness� and �romanticism� of the junk world, but some days the tuff grrl would wear short sleeves to school and not care who was looking at her arms. And there was a day where I had fixed my shot in the bathroom, was having a hard time finding a vein and it was to the point in class that if I wasn�t present while attendance was taken I�d be dropped a letter grade (OSU was like that) so I took the shot with me and ended up shooting IN class. It was one of those 500 person auditorium classes, I was in the back with only one neighbor. I told him I had diabetes and he shrugged it off. Now was that necessity, or coolness� it�s a fine line between the two but I feel I was on the right side of it for the most part.
Greg though, seems to think it�s cool (as in, OK) to drink himself to death. He�s definitely a drama queen. Besides the temper (breaks pool sticks when he misses shots) he also has this habit of walking away from you when he�s mad. You don�t give him anything to be mad about but by god he finds SOMETHING and then it�s all whirlwinds and huffin and puffin and �I�m walking home�. For reasons I dont have the guts to talk about yet, I haven�t broken up with him, and I probably wont ever, because of those reasons. I might explain myself further down the road when the emotions have cooled and it seems like the situation happened to another person and not myself, but it�s still too personal as of now. But anyway, I was talking about Greg. The relationship is all one sided, it�s Greg�s way or no way, Greg�s choice or no choice. He�s dragging me down to his level instead of me bringing him up to mine. I haven�t met anyone with a will as strong as mine, but his is pretty close. If he could think clearly, like EVER, he�d be a very powerful person, the addiction is like kryptonite. It seems like I�ve begun the drunken stumble through life at his side, now how do I turn this into a waltz?

He�s been really mean to people lately, granted the people he talks shit to do, for the most part, �deserve� the trash talk. Gary is, in fact, a low life that needs to get a job. And yes, Heather IS a crackhead thief that reads at a second grade level� but I think they�re quite aware of their shortcomings. I don�t talk shit like that to his �friends�. I don�t even understand the motivation behind saying things like that to people, other than cruelty. He yells out �Raise your hand if you have a diploma!� standing right behind Heather. And then he adds �Who here can spell GED?� Seriously, not cool. He looked right at Brooke and said �So who�d you rob tonight, you filthy whore?� Then there�re the twins. I keep running into them. It started a while ago, a few weeks maybe, I was at the Pick and Jason was in there. �So Dale and I were wondering, when are we gonna get another chance to hang out? Cuz when THAT story left off I�d fucked em both, but not simultaneously, and I was thinking that that might be something to try. This was back in my �slutty phase� and besides, I�d be an idiot to turn down an experience like that. Like any man would turn down a threesome with two hot twin porn stars, ya know? But they took too long and now I�m in a relationship. And they assume I�m a cheating whore like most people, but I�m not. But they still keep trying, and who wouldn�t. I know how fucken awesome I am in bed, of course they�re gonna keep hitting on me and buying me drinks. I�d be offended if they didn�t. Course Greg sees this all differently. I tried to explain it to him �Baby you know how good I am in bed, they just miss me, that�s all.� See, he doesn�t see it my way. There is no �my way� with Greg. So he keeps getting pissed off whenever one or both of the twins show up at the bar, and they always seem to be around, there�s two of em, so go figure. I�ve told em no, I�ve told them I�m dating someone I really like, I�ve told em to not buy me drinks. I don�t talk to them, when they talk to me I keep it short and I make sure that Greg is nearby. If you don�t want other men talking to me then don�t have me sitting in bars all night. He�s off playing pool or darts, or those video game machines that I totally abhor.

He woke up the other night at 5am to have another beer then climbed back in bed. I missed work on Thursday because of him and Rick. Greg wouldn�t let me sleep, cuz he wanted to spend time with me, he says, but he spent that time ranting and raving like a mad man, storming off from karaoke three or four times probably just to see if I�d follow him. He�s got very little self-confidence, it�s very sad. Yeah he�s a poor farm boy from the sticks, that doesn�t mean he isn�t valued. He seems to think so. He started drinking to end his shyness, and to kill his thoughts of inadequacy. But now he�s made himself the loser he was always afraid of being and I fear that he�s surrendered to the idea that THIS is all that his life will be. In my using, and in my depression, I know that no one could have told me otherwise, no one could have taught me that there are different endings, that life isn�t a written book, it�s a choose your own adventure�. I think these lessons have to be learned by one�s self, but they don�t necessarily need to be learned the hard way. I don�t want to say that it�s too late for Greg cuz it�s never too late to be happy or to get your shit together. People don�t change, they evolve, and evolution takes time. I�m not anywhere as close as I should be with my own modification but I�ve come a long way. It�ll take time to undo the years of abuse and neglect others and myself have caused me. Greg�s got a lot of years of abusing and neglecting himself to fix. I tell him it�s easy, baby steps, write it down on paper, budget and goals worksheets, then it�s less personal, no emotions on paper, 1-2-3 A-B-C�. Changes will be happening though, last week wont be repeated. It was really awful. He�s gotten me quite off track.

I�m going to see about switching my hours at Hortons. They need a couple morning people, the day I missed work I was spozed to be there 6am till 2pm. Could I successfully work a morning shift all the time? It�d be guaranteed hours/pay. Could I get enough sleep though? It might be good, not so much time with Greg, get enough money to move out, so I think I�ll talk to bossman about it. Also I want to live with Greg asap, to see if anything changes. See how compatible we are. See if a positive home environment slows the urge to drink himself to death�. And if not, I�d like to know sooner than later.

There are other things I wanted to talk about, fairness and equality issues, things like that, but I�m feeling in medium spirits today and I want to get some shit done, cleaning and organizing and whatever. I�d prolly be manic if it weren�t for that 30 mg of unblocked methadone I took last night. It didnt feel anything like the real thing, but I�m not sore ANYWHERE still, so it wasn�t all that bad.

I work tonight 6pm til 2am and hopefully I can stay later than that. Tomorrow I work 10-6am. We�ll see about those mornings.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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