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Im pretty sure that this is the most alone Ive ever felt in my entire life. I think back on the REALLY bad times and there was always someone... but not now. And it's odd because as lonely as I feel the only change I would like to see is moving to my own place and veging out to cable tv. I wouldnt get a phoen hooked up, just the cell and digital cable/road runner for the comp. I cant seem to save any money seein Im eating in groceries about the same as what I bring in each week. Yes, I could get food stamps etc, one of these days I'll be awake enough to go fuck with them the whole day. It ties into the isolation, I dont want to see anybody. I can tell I'm getting a little paranoid (and other old OLD symptoms are showing I might add) about it all, but some of it is in good reason. I dont want people around me cuz mostly they suck my money andmy energy. Strangers have always been a threat. After my first ob-gyn visit on Monday some douchebag was goin 7 mph, when he didnt speed up after the school zone (which is 15 mph...) I checked for on coming traffic and went around him, when I was most of the way around he veered into me, hitting my car and forcing me off the road through the snowplow piles. I sped up and got back on the road ahead of him and if they hadnt have taken one whole bag and 11 viles of blood out of me I would have ran him off the road pulled him from his car and parked my car on his nuts. The guy tailgated me to my street but was smart enough not to follow me to my house, Rick's got the shotgun in the garage, I woulda had it loaded by the time the guy got out of his car to bitch at me. Anyway, it seems I cant go anywhere anymore.

I keep calling in sick to work. I have no motivation or initiative to do anything. I cant even sleep anymore... I lay there with a pillow over my head, petting the cat that's half on my chest and half on the pillow... hours pass... I had to force myself to update. Hours were passing again and I thought I should update, maybe do something, maybe any activity will shake me out of this funk. Thinking back, January doesnt have a good track record for me. LAST January I was pretty fucking suicidal, pretty much the last time I was ever suicidal. And that was until I met Harlan at the end of the month. It's odd how much attention is like sunlight to me. OK not just attention, but being loved, or feeling loved anyway. I dont understand how Greg can say he loves me before I got pregnant and ask me to marry him before I got pregnant, but now that Im pregnant those things seem voided. He spends time with me, he kisses me before getting otu of the car... it all seems forced, like he feels it's a chore. I dont believe it takes two to raise a kid(technically it takes a whole village...) but I was wrong to assume it would be the same for going through a pregnancy alone. Knowing it's Bipolar helps a little, that what I feel isn't as dramatic as it would be to someone else, and knowing that I feel things deeper, more intense than most others does give me some perspective. And it gives me advantage for when the joy hits, cuz I will feel that more profoundly. All the books say the first months are the hardest, so I hope the middle months give me some relief. That's when the exciting things happen, listening to heartbeats, finding out the gender... right now it's all worry about making sure it lives.

Im in the puking stage now, Ive stopped gaining weight though I eat frequently. But Im eating very healthy. Actually people that know me well would be surprised at the 360 Ive done. It seems like everything that never mattered to me before is now of most importance. I wish I could have anticipated the mood swing, that's been the biggest change. I know I cant be hollow with something growing inside of me, but it's almost like that. I'm putting EVERYTHING I have into growing life, it's like the thing will burst from me and leave me drained and dead.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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