**REGISTER TO VOTE ONLINE!** **SIGN DARFUR ACTION PETITION HERE!!**

---

It's absolutely freezing in the computer room. I have a feeling this will be one of the coldest summers for this region.

Strange things keep happening. Things in my sleep and also in wake times. My cellphone is still charging so I cant check it out yet, but it kept ringing and ringing, like CONSTANTLY, while I was sleeping yesterday evening. I remember someone in a dream telling me I didnt want to talk to whoeveritwas and to keep talking to the person in my dream that I was talking to. At some point the constant ringing of the phone and its voice mail signal became unbearable and I dialed into voice mail to see what was going on. It said I have 30 new messages. The first was all garbled up, like a bad connection. The second was a man's voice saying that I was having a daughter and that it was his. I automatically understood that the man meant that he wasnt the father of the daughter but meant something sinister. The phone cut out after that message. I'm pretty sure I was asleep the whole time, that I didnt even call my voice mail, and that I dont have 28 new messages still waiting for me. We shall see. But just because it was all a dream doesnt mean it didnt happen and Im not reassured at all. I do know that if it is a girl, then I am giving her the middle name Ataraxia. Have fun looking up that one, it goes way back to the days when the greeks absorbed dogma from the zorastrians who in turn absorbed it from their captive Jewes.

It seems fitting that I would have a daughter, seeing there are no healthy mother daughter relationships in my family nor have there ever been as far as my gramma remembers. We joke about this curse. My grandmother had three brothers, none of them had kids. My gramma had 4 daughters and no sons, of the four daughter 2 had sons, and neither will ever produce offspring. These two being the cousin that molested me and my brother while we were growing up, he's never had a girlfriend and Im pretty sure he's incapable of being in any kind of relationship. His life is quite sad, as it should be, and if it were any different I would have done something about it years ago. The other male is my brother, and with all the traumas done to him as a child, and the fact that he doesnt have much equiptment to work with, Im certain he'll produce no offspring either. Those are the men in the family. The women are all loonies, mad, witches... it seems daughters abhor their mother's right from the start. So it seems fitting that I would have a girl, because nothing has been easy and secretly I dont want it easy because one learns nothing good if nothing bad ever happens.

In a dream over the weekend it seems that I made a choice between dealing with cancer or dealing with a daughter. When I first heard the diagnosis of cancer I recalled Jesus saying that he didnt want the burden of dying on the cross (let this cup pass my lips), and I felt the same way about the cancer. If it was something I absolutely had to go through to learn some lesson and if it meant that some other person might get the cancer that I was to get, (some sort of quota?) then I would take the cancer cuz Im confident that I would get through it, as Ive gotten through everything, and not just "gotten through it", but come through stronger, smarter, and better equipt to get through the next thing. It seems I chose daughter. Sunday night I got into a fist fight of words with my mom during a family dinner. It started easy enough, I overheard her in the kitchen talking about how her boyfriend was moving in for a couple weeks to take care of her after the surgery, and then my gramma said "Well where the hell am I supposed to sleep then?" To which I replied "if any more people are moving in, Im not paying this much in rent." because Greg and I are paying $600 a month to live here, we were supposed to get one floor of the house but that wont be until my mom is recovered and able to get up to the third floor where her rooms are. Then the room will be more nursury and greg wont have the playroom he wants, though I suggested modifying the basement. Anyway, Greg and I are paying more than half of the mortgage/house insurance bill and are getting one small bedroom,, reason to comment/bitch. Mom started going off about something, I dont know how it escalated, but it turned into an argument about her boyfriend, I dont like him, why is she even with him etc, and she got all defensive saying he was the best man she ever had and treated her nicer than she's ever seen a man treating a woman and my uncle rob, always the instigator but this time Im in agreement with him, he said "That's not what you were saying two months ago" (that's when my mom's bf called her a fat fucken cow in front of a whole resteraunt) and I said that if she had any self confidence she wouldnt be dating all these losers and she brought up my insecurities about greg cheating and said that I only date losers (with greg sitting right next to me, and also I couldnt tell her with him right there, that "losers" are easier to control, and they are loyal, in debt to me, for a little while at least). Then she started calling me a psycho, and a fucken cunt, this n that, and how mean and horribly cruel n cold I am and that my only gift is hurting people, which is sort of true but she has me pegged as being malicious when really all I am is honest and if you cant handle what I say then you need to fix yourself. The end of the argument was brought about when I said "You might as well dig up grampa and start dating him, read a book by Freud ya fucken nutjob." That's when pretty much everyone got ready to leave. So, if Im to have a girl, bring it on, and it'll be the first healthy female relationship the family has ever seen. it's interesting that I would have made a choice like this because I always choose the hardest path, and if this is true then to me raising a daughter would be more challenging than beating cancer.

And at my doctor's visit yesterday she looked at my ultrasound pics, and said she thought it was a girl, just cuz if it's a boy, they can always tell, and if they cant tell what it is, it's almost always a girl. For the rest of the visit she called it "she" instead of "baby" like all the other visits "where's her heartbeat, she keeps hiding from me" instead of "where's baby's heartbeat..." etc And then after all the baby stuff was done she gave me the results of the latest slew of tests they did on me and these more thorough tests show that Im not in the cancer ranges anymore, that the abnormal cell count was 25% less than they originally thought, that most likely after I deliver, my body will start to fight it off naturally, and though I'll need more colposcopies done and blood work done, they might not even need to do any of the freezing and zapping, and for sure my lady organs are safe from harvest. I may need to take some corticosteroids though, which are the things that made Lance Armstrong seemingly superhuman. I gained 12 pounds since the last visit and I heard it like you wouldnt believe from doc lady about how hard it'll be to lose the weight, though I tried to explain that I already lost a hundred, she said atkins was crap, that though you can lose great amounts of weight, it's impossible to keep it off (which is bs for a doc to say, cuz they need to be inspriring and what not), but that is said of ANY diet, even the surgury has rates of weight regain, and I doubt that she's even read atkin's book. I wanted to say "if I can keep off heroin, I can keep off weight" especially when H was so good to me, and excess fat definitely is not.

I have another entirely different issue to bring up. I'll put that in a new entry though.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

last :: next