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I predict 5-10 minutes before Cass is done with her bottle, maybe she'll surprise me and fall asleep but who knows.

We took our first bath together today. She had a ball. I've been freaked out all morning (Ill get to that) so the bath was a really good change of direction. I used some different bubble bath and it musta had oils in it, she was quite the slippery baby. She only slipped under once, and it wasnt the whole way. She wasn't scared, just coughed, spit some water out and went back to splashing. She's gonna be a really strong swimmer. Her legs and abs are so muscular, it's crazy. Octopus or ninja, indeed!

Now for the crap... i think it's cuz Ive been smoking more than usual, friends back in town, q p... you know how it is... so my tolerance is up, hence more smoking etc... and it takes more than usual to get me to fall asleep (which has been roughly 2am for the past 2 weeks, 5 hours of sleep (or less) a day. Also Ive been under a lot of stress, not having a day/night off from Skootch in a while and no relief in sight... lots of papers due for school, plus my make up work from LAST semester is getting close to being due. This month I'll have 6 projects due, for a total of 80 pages. Yeah. Ill timing for the Q P! Anyway, my dreams have been FUCKED UP. Monday night I dreamt that I went back to Harlan. We parted on good terms and I've wondered how things woulda worked out if I woulda stayed in Houston. Course when the "first date" consists of an 8 ball and ten hours of the best sex of your life, there really isn't any where for it to go but down. The dream was very realistic, I believe it's exactly where the "relationship" woulda gone. I never wrote much about what Harlan and I did together (having sex in front of his friends, one time he pulled a knife on his brother cuz he was sure his brother wanted to fuck me (duh who didnt I was right there) lots of video taping including something that turned into a how to give the perfect blow job video and him mailing it to his ex wife (found out about that part later), sex was usually like co-ed naked WWE, sex positions included things like figure fours and sleeper holds etc, him getting me off (but sometimes mutual masturbation) in inappropriate places (one time on a packed city bus where I had to either act like nothing was going on or else let everybody on the bus know... and it was mostly big scary 3rd Ward brothers on the bus who'd love to take turns with a hot white bitch...) anyway, you get the idea. I liked 99% of what was going on, and really the physical stuff was nothing, I was scared he'd "make me" fuck his friends. Remember this was the third person I'd ever had sex with... I was nervous about having sex with anybody else. I still believed that you should only need to have sex with one person in your whole life and anyone that didnt was a slut. So the dream was the realization of these fears. Course there was much more violence. The punishment for leaving him was far worse than the beat-down I got in real life --thrown down the stairs onto concrete, most of my ribs broken, sternum broken, fingers dislocated, hair ripped out, concussion from the (gallon of) paint can to the head, dragged through gravel, and of course the strangulation... (but never closed fisted and never hit my face... he was a PRO). ANYWAY in the dream I passed out from all the pills he fed me and then in the morning had to watch a tape of me being gang raped by his friends & brother. And then being punished for it like I let them fuck me.... By the end of the dream I was prisoner in the apartment, having to fuck whoever he brought home (they paid him) or else he wouldnt give me my ration of drugs (only sometimes he'd give me enough to get me high, usually it was just enough to stop the sickness). I still don't know if he woulda let other's fuck me. I haven't known anyone that's stuck around long enough. He was possessive enough to almost stab his own brother, threatened to kill me if I ever cheated, and got into fights when guys looked at me (I also couldnt dress sexy the one and only time we went out to a bar/club). wow anyway enough of that, last night's dream was worse.

Pretty much I was the little asian girl that was the "star" of a snuff film I was forced to watch as a kid. In the movie she was in a guillotine, holding the end of the rope in her teeth so that if she screams (anymore than through her teeth) the rope comes out and she loses her head. Meanwhile she's being ass-raped from behind by a fat guy, only they never show his face of course, but he was speaking english. In the movie the girl's head gets lopped off and the guy still fucks her for a while before asking somebody off camera if he could get him a boy this time. Lucky for us the babysitter got back from the mall and her sons (14, 17, & 20 something) had to ditch the movie. By the time their mom got inside, we were all watching Voltron, and Preston and me were crying because we had got into a fight with each other. They said if we told, they'd make a movie like that with us, and then again, maybe they'd make a movie like that with us just for fun. There was always one of those huge (80's model) video camera sitting on top of the entertainment center. Only once did anything physical happen to me, clothespins or something on my nipples (which were barely outies at the time), and the oldest brother would watch me bathe... but I believe it was the situation most damaging to my psyche.

anyway, I'd like to explore the topic of Harlan in more depth, I think about him a lot, and if I were male I'd be just like him I think. I am a lot like him already. I wonder how much of his attitude that he beat into me will come out once I'm hot again (I was still chubby but I was a sexy mother fucker down there --high quantities of coke and cock & no $$ for food works wonders on the paunch--). Maybe I'll move down to NYC or to LA and become one of those dominatrices that makes a thousand dollars a half hour to humiliate wall street millionaires or movie/music execs. hmmmm.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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