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I REALLY need to sleep tonight. I took a nap with Cass today and it was so nice. My dreams lately have been funny as hell, weird sex situations and just general craziness. Maybe it's left over effects from the gas leak over the weekend but the best part is that the dreams involve people I dont even know and sometimes I'm not even me, which is the favorite kind of dream I have. Not saying that I dont like myself, cuz really at this point in my life I fucken love myself. And to be honest (shhh dont tell anyone) even when I was suicidal, like staring down the headlight of a train... I still loved myself. Maybe all the attempts were cuz I felt sorry for myself, like a euthenasia kind of thing? Reminds me of towards the end of the junky stint how I would cry the whole way to the dealer's and then puke as soon as I had the bag in my hand. I think the heroin was like euthenasia too.

Anyway, right now ROCKS! Yeah I'm almost 30 and I just had to move back in with my mom but I'll finally have income soon, and another car hopefully by this weekend. ALSO being freshly single helps. I dont understand why everyone cries or the world stops when they go through a break up. OK I did go through that feeling when I left Lon, and I still get sad thinking about it, I compare the whole thing to that hiker who got his arm pinned & crushed by a boulder and had to cut his own arm off using a dull swiss army knife in order to survive. I would have rather gone through that than part with Lon... ok making myself depressed here... what were we talking about, oh yes, how happy we are being single (LOL). I feel like a pussy admitting I'm happy. I don't think I've ever said/admitted I was happy before. Did you know there's a way to search your whole diary for specific words? It's on the edit/delete entries page, scroll to the bottom... I'm gonna see how many entries Ive written contain the phrase "I'm happy". Shit, I'm not even a happy drunk!

So this loser asked if I'd go out with him, actually he said "you should come over, we're smoking" as in pot and I said "no I just got that job and I'm not fucking it up. Furthermore I'm not hanging out with any people who don't have jobs, live in trailers, are on social security disibility or who have had their children taken away from them by social services." Now most people would think "DUH Jo, you're not supposed to hang out with losers like that." Now I'm not gonna apologize to anyone who is any of those things, don't give me your sob story cuz it's not as sad as mine and I'm not any of those things, get a fucken life and a fucken job or just fucken kill yourselves and stop wasting my resources. This other guy that asked me out is on SSD for his attention deficit disorder. I am not making this up, the government gives him $800 a month, he gets food stamps and low income housing, medicaid etc because he gets BORED too fucking easily! The guy is also trying to get the weight loss surg I had, which means he's pretty fat... so yeah tell me again why I wanna go out on a date with you? Oh cuz you'll love me? I don't need love, I need a house and car and vacations in europe and piano- guitar-kickboxing-tap-chinese lessons for my daughter, spare me the love-- how big is your bank account and how big is your dick and how big is your imagination???

New subject: I have been seriously jonesing roller coasters. The last time I tried to get on one I was too fat and the safety harness wouldnt close over my tits. Now that I've lost 135 pounds (and it feels like so much more, seriously Im not myself,as in my SELF, like they took my brain out and put it in another body) I plan on spending the next two years making up for that day at Busch Gardens. Yeah I need to get a REAL car and a REAL place to live, and I guess I should do that bankruptcy all those credit counseling places and lawyers say I need to do... but whenever I get any extra $$ (NOTE TO SELF REMEMBER THIS FOR WHEN YOU WANNA SPEND $50 ON WHISKEY EVERY KARAOKE NIGHT!) it's going into a roller coaster fund, and then I'll take weekend trips to places. I lived in Ohio for half of my life and only once went to Cedar Point, it was raining and most rides weren't running. I managed one crappy coaster that nearly rebroke my knees. Anyway I plan on making Cedar Point my 2nd home. I'm so psyched in anticipation. I'm so proud of myself that I'll probably cry while I'm waiting in line for that first ride. (yes I know I'm lame and fuck you too asshole)

I also have been really looking forward to getting laid. Shut up. It's not like THAT. I always remember the last one, and after a break up I like to get fucked by someone else like RIGHT AWAY so I can look back on something other than the last disappointing boyfriend. Some people consider this rebounding, but it's not like that because these guys really have no chance at all, I dont even consider them to be potential boyfriends. I get this attitude like Eminem has in his song Superman "do I love you enough to trust you, bitch we just met and I just fucked you". So I'm on this "zipless fuck" mission right now. Twin # 1 worked wonders the last time my heart got broken (summer 2004) I might have to hunt him down. mmmmmm ok I gotta post his pic again. well not HIS pic, but his twin brother's pic, same thing...

ANYWAY I guess I should try to get to bed soon, Cass calling out "Mamma mamma mamma!" comes all too early and it takes about an hour or more for my mind to wind down enough for me to fall asleep.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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