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It's 8 and a half miles to where I walked last night, and you know somethin, IT DIDNT HURT! There was AT NO POINT a time when I thought to myself "gee Jo, this was a bad idea" or that I thought about turning around or sitting down or even slowing down. It only took me an hour and 45 minutes, which so beats my time of NOT completing the ohio high school physical fitness test walking a mile in less than 15 minutes LOL. Anyway I feel much better tonight, like WAY better, like the level of better I feel after a suicide attempt. Cuz if you havent noticed I been thinkin that it's time to try again, we always feel better after a much needed half-assed yet whole-hearted suicide attemp, you know, just enough pills and booze to send your innerds and brain and heart into a tornado and take you to the point to where you even doubt you'll pull through and you get weak and think oh shit I should call for help but then next thing you know it's 16 hours later and you're waking up covered in dried vomit stuck to your sheets... but I think the walk last night, and the subsequent bullshit I went through today walking to free lunch for them not to have any take home food and then over to the church that usually has bus passes that didnt have any today and then 3 miles out out to the social services building to be told to come back tomorrow morning was enough punishment on my body that I dont have to do the half-assed attempt. Which is good cuz I dont have any money for booze n pills and my veins are scarred enough as it is from all the smack, I dont need to do any slicing....

I ran into a friend, ended up spending the night with him last night, sorta fooled around but no sex. Prolly woulda if it woulda been somebody else. I think Im savin the sex for either Rebel or um I dont wanna get into that right now but anyway I wanted to talk about the foolin around part cuz it was really really weird bein with somebody different, I was horny dont get me wrong but I couldnt cum til I started thinking about all the horrible things I would do to Katelyn if I ever saw her again. I think Reb might help me out with this in RT too. By the end of it I came up with this christmas tree idea where her intestines were the garland and her hair the tinsel and her heart would be the angel, various organs for ornaments, her head on the fireplace with no eyeballs but blinking xmas lights blinkblink blinkblink. It was a very Pat Bateman moment, the first in a LONG time.

Who would you be in the War of Armageddon? The Antichrist You'd be most fit for the role of The Antichrist in the War of Armageddon. You are the most vile of all human beings ever created. You possess supernatural powers not of this world, granted to you by satan himself. You are perhaps the most intelligent human, with a wit like a fox and the ability to manipulate yourself into or out of any situation. You will conquer the entire earth using manipulation and an iron fist. Mankind is merely a pawn to you, something to use and to abuse. You will lead the dark armies through hell's gates and onto earth to fight the last battle between good and evil. Myspace Quizzes

ALSO today I had my first 100% PTSD flashback of Scott beating me. When I was at the church outreach center trying to get buspasses they were signing kids up for xmas presents and that line was empty so I went over n talked to that guy and he asked for my license and started filling out the paperwork. I had just been to free lunch, and wasnt exactly feeling like a winner. The paper he was filling out had a spot that said something like "poverty level" or "need level" and it had "mild moderate or severe" and he looked at me wearing my dirty clothes (STILL dont have any other clothes from Scott's) and dingy hoodie I borrowed from the old friend, my eye's still bruised... and he marked severe. I started crying, but I cry silently, I hardly EVER make any noise when I cry, alone or in front of people it doesnt matter. So he had my license and had copied my name and by the time he looked back up at me to ask my age I was in tears and he was like "there there, let me grab a tissue for you" and he stood up and reached passed my head toward a bookshelf for a box of kleenex and I wigged the fuck out, flinched, blocked, ducked, jumped out of the chair, Mikey came runnin over "JoBear JoBear, that's not Scott, dude CHILL..." gave me a big hug, "he's not gonna touch you again..." Mikey's ready to go back to jail for me. "Just say the word Jo..." "no" "Just tell me his last name" "no" "What town does he live in?" "no" "his phone number?" "no" an hour later "hey lemme read that police report again" "why so you can see which police dept...? no." Oh it's not just him either, Pigfucker's not all talk, and he's got my step-brothers and cousins in a fury, as if they werent already ready to strike just from the beatdown, now theyre hearing about all these after-affects I'm having (PTSD, nightmares, serious migrains, memory lapses, vision problems/white outs, internal temperture control is fucked up and I cant spell anymore!) Mikey talked to Erin about all of this, E told PF etc. At present I am the rusty cog in an otherwise well oiled vengence machine. I'll get mine in court. Next year at his next disability hearing when they see the video of him fucking that slut. "100% disabled my ass!"

yeah, Rebel, in a few weeks I'll be ready I think....

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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