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Well what's new... Got my shit back from Scott's. Most of it anyway. The major thing missing is Klondyke, but I knew I wasnt gettin him back. I had a dream on Halloween, KD was the Snuggle bear, running up to me on fire screaming "Mommy they torchin me!!!" so I figure I know how that turned out. I have a wicked fantasy of Klondyke crispy and half melted, caked with dirt, dragging one leg behind him, goin for Scott... then the police finding Scott all messed up and the only trace evidence is melted fur. Some kind of Child's Play or Twilight Zone evil doll thing. I'll have to draw it. He sent back my pair of nice pants that had his blood all over them, then a dirty sweaty tshirt of his (does he think I'd snuggle with it??? fucken psycho!), that along with the other things I'd collected off of my things (hair from my hairbrush that he'd use etc) I was thinking of mailing these to my "more-evil-than-moi" friends down south. I was debating this, especially Jack (the pic of the guy about dead on the floor on the bottom of every entry), who was VERY fond of Klondyke and knew how much KD meant to me. Cassidy cries half an hour every night asking for him, and I havent exactly been sleeping well myself. I decided against sending the stuff. For one I dont have the money, secondly I wanted to keep it personal (fight my own battles), three- maybe there's been enough drama for now (?) and four, my friends are so evil they wouldnt need his hair, nails, blood and sweat to make stuff happen. I washed the shirt and pants (maybe I'll wear the shirt to court lol) and threw the other shit away. I figure AP has been working on Scott anyways, I havent seen or heard from AP in a long time.

Besides not getting KD, there was a beer poured into my comp moniter, I havent yet tried to plug in the tower to see if that works. My brother is coming up for thanxgiving and he's more techy than I, I'll have him open it up and make sure it's not gonna explode when I hit the power button (fucken guidos!). It doesnt seem to have anything poured or squeezed into any of the drives, as far as I can tell. Then my cd's/dvd's were all scratched up, Greg's face was burnt out of every pic in Cassidy's "Daddy & Me" photo album, my expensive perfume ($80 bottle that was mostly full) was emptied (Katelyn would always spray it on herself whenever she'd come over so I wouldnt put it past the cunt to have stolen it), also all of Cassidy's best toys and clothes are gone (again, I'm sure, to Katelyn -for her baby). I had roses drying that I'd taken from a resident's room to make them a wall hanging, I wanted those and didnt get them. Scott accused me of getting flowers from someone else when I brought them home. Then also my tickets were missing, like he figured if I didnt have my tix I wouldnt be able to go to court and would get into more trouble or something. Anyway, when I called dad to tell him I'd gotten my stuff (he was willing to go with me today if I didnt get the stuff thursday) he and I had a little talk about some stuff. He said he was gonna go "1974". I'm not EXACTLY sure what he meant but if it's my dad, it means SOMETHIN... and this is what my dad looked like in 74, all he's missin is the swastika tattoo on his forehead.

Someone was supposed to call me this morning about maybe seeing a movie this afternoon. No call yet, so prolly no movie. Seein it's 3 already. Sometimes 3pm means Saturday morning to me though, lol. He said there was a work party and he'd prolly be staying with a friend so as not to drive drunk. Maybe he ended up hooking up with someone hence prolly no movie with a dif chick today, even tho I told him I wasnt lookin for anything like that, which could be another reason him not calling. Anyway. In the meantime I've done 4 loads of laundry, plus the dishes, taken a bath, sorted out clothes that dont fit vs do fit, rearranged drawers... I already had most of my stuff put away from Scott's. I still need to sort through Cass's stuff, but I'd like for her to be here so she can try shit on so I can see if it fits now, and will it fit in the springtime.

Halloween was alright, in the afternoon my mom and I picked up Greg and we took Cassidy to feed the ducks. This is her ultimate fave activity, like it was for me when I was her age. Then Heather and Kevin called and said they were having dinner across the street so my mom invited Greg and I along, so we did that, and then Greg and I took Cass trick or treating. She wore the chicken suit from last year, though she wont fit in it for next year. She didnt say "trick or treat" as often as she'd say "bock bock" and hold her bag open. A few houses that had interesting stuff in the living rooms (guitars, fireplaces toys etc) she pushed past whoever answered the door and started checkin out their shit. We dropped Greg off and mom let me do karaoke. I had to be at DSS by 8:45 to meet with a domestic violence worker and to do food stamps etc so I was planning on crashing at Crissy's trailer but she got arrested for grand larceny (and it's like her tenth arrest for theft/fraud/burglary etc so she's lookin at some serious STATE time) and all these kids moved into and trashed her place, not that it wasnt already trashed but like the place smelled like they been gettin the living room confused with the bathroom etc so I didnt have anyplace else to stay and wasnt gonna walk all the way home, tho I did think about it, and I didnt have $1.50 for coffee to stay the night at Denny's so I "got into" one of the trailers that's for sale and slept there. Good thing the cellphone dubs as an alarm clock. Had to get the 6:30 bus cuz the 8:30 bus dont get to DSS in time, not like I actually slept anyway, pretty much I been sleepin with one eye open since the fight, and for some reason I'm always awake at 5 AM no matter how late I fall asleep or how many ty pm's I took.

Did I mention Dawn Lawton? She was my first and only friend when I was growing up around here. Her and I moved the same year, me to Ohio and she actually moved to Attica. We tried to see each other the summer after 9th grade but I couldnt get a ride out there and she couldnt get a ride out here. The last I heard from her she was 16 and had had a baby. So Halloween night while I'm trying to figure out which trailer I'm crashing in, my cousin Mandy calls to say that she ran into Dawn workin at the same gas station Heather works in. She just moved back to town, living with her older brother and his family. She didnt recognize Mandy or her name but when she mentioned me she about shit her pants. Mandy got her # for me and we've been playin phone tag ever since. Hopefully one of these times we'll get to catch up and hang out. I really hope she's not a crackhead or anything. I'm trying very VERY VERRRRRRRRY hard to stay away from drugs. I wanna drink soooooooo bad. Like my mom asked if I needed five or ten for the movies, and I could tell I wouldnt be doin anything today by that point so I told her no cuz I'd just walk across the street and buy a bottle of whiskey with it so I told her I didnt need any money right now. They got the perfect size for me bottles for $6 after tax. There're 2 bars across the street too, temptation is literally outside every window. The desire to self-medicate is enormous. I'm still playing phone tag with mental health services. Also with the public defender too.

Well I dont feel like a complete fucking loser, I got my license back. Not like anybody is gonna let me borrow their car or anything but you know, just the idea of being a single mom, turning 30, living with my mom, with no job, no car and NO LICENSE was unbearable (mrrph I said bear, I miss klondyke grrr) so anyway now I'm just a single mom bout to turn 30 that lives with her mom with no car and no job but WITH a license. If I get a job then at least I'd be back to where I was before I met Scott, only with a head that's little more dented-yet smarter.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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