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In less than 2 hours I will be 30. HELP!!!!!! Somebody get me a time machine or else a home, husband and a career QUICK!!!!!

Something to be positive about, I got the job in the photo lab (muhahahaha I ponder the possible mayhem!) Well I got the job as long as I pass a piss test tomorrow, which I SHOULD be able to do -or double my money back lol (my mom wanted to be SURE I got the job, I'm pretty sure I'd pass on my own, but I'd been sure before and failed).

Been getting unprovoked texts from Katelyn: Nov 3rd she said "What's it like sleeping alone now that ur bear is dead n gone!" and today she wrote "Ha ha IM wit scott now! He got me the house which we movin in in a wk he takes me out shoppin spent 900 on ME and even bought ME tha ring! LOL!" I know it's not true and also I know it shouldnt bug me, especially coming from an 18yo trailer trash whore whose mother is a 35 year old trailer trash whore and whose baby is gonna be nothin but a trailer trash whore 14 years from now... but STILL it bugs me. I KNOW Scott misses me, not only cuz I know that he really did love me in some sick way but also because he knows (and he would tell me) I was his last chance at a family. He'll get laid again in his lifetime, and some crack whore might even lie and tell him she loves him, but he will NEVER again be truly loved OR truly happy. Pigfucker gets on me still about Katelyn "what were you thinking having a threesome with someone you love? are you an idiot? dont you know thats like rule #1???" It's the same as the 1st time I tried heroin, I thought I was smarter than that, that my outcome would be different, in this circumstance we were so much more in love than every other couple that's had a threesome go wrong. anyway I dont wanna be bothered by this right now, I'm getting teary as is. Midnight is fast approaching and cinderella is still a fucking LOSER!

I think about another thing that Rosalie said to me, "whenever you wanna drink too much or do drugs think about something you'd like to buy instead. Think about all the money youve wasted on drinking and drugging and picture all the stuff you coulda had!" I'm soooo not materialistic, I was born with nothing and I plan on dying with nothing. But maybe the time in the middle should be spent surrounded by nice things? The last time my mom dragged me to the mall I was peeking into all the kewl clothing stores where I never could shop before. I started seeing things I actually wanted. Upon further thought I came to the conclusion that as a poor fat kid, of course I couldnt ever shop or wear what I wanted, and so my ideas about not spending money on things like expensive clothes became like a defense mechanism. The same with me being a communist, I bet there aren't any rich commies out there. I'm pretty sure that only poor people believe in sharing.... And maybe the money excuse was really to cover up the fat thing. Instead of being too fat to shop someplace it was "I won't spend that kind of money on clothes". So making fun of Gap Girls was my way of coping with the fact that there wasnt a Gap Plus. In a lot of the stores my mom went in they had clearance racks, and when Scott was adamant that I buy something in the galleria mall in buffalo, that's where I B-lined, the clearance section at Penney's, where he got me an $80 dress for $16. Now would I rather have that dress than a $16 bottle of whiskey? (especially when I think of all the free drinks I'll get cuz I look so hot in that dress lol). So tonight I was looking through christmas catalogues at all the cool shit I'm gonna have money for. I never had SHIT growing up. I had hamsters that I'm pretty sure were just mice that my pop-pop caught for me and told me they were hamsters. I had a sticker collection made from home made drawings on masking tape. I had a doll house made out of cereal boxes and my generic barbie wore outfits I put together from ripped socks and old wash cloths. Lest we forget the bread bags for winter boots one year??? So yeah, I'm goin wild on my kid, damn right she's gonna be spoiled. And dammit if her mommy doesnt deserve some spoiling too! I bonfired all my furniture in June. I dont own a tv, Scott ruined my computer and none of my clothes fit me anymore. I dont even have a can opener to my name! What better excuse than all this to let me feel not guilty about buying hellish amounts of crap this holiday season. AND as long as I pass the piss test tomorrow I'll get 20% off of everything at work. I already figured it out that I'd get $200 off of a flat screen digi hd tv that's bigger than Scott's clunker (that took up half the living room and 4 people to move), $100 off of a laptop, $20 off a futon... I'm feeling fairly optimistic. Also I'll be making only SLIGHTLY below what I was making as a slave at the nursing home, plus learning USEFUL skills, and doing something I like doing -printing and publishing. Nervous about the piss test but I gotta trust the Terminator Gold. It came "highly" recommended.

Oh one hour left, I'll be pacing my bedroom floor with Huck Finn in hand, glancing at my clock... Seriously people out there in the future watching this reality show I call life, PLEASE come pick me up. 1994 would be a nice place to drop me off so I can bitch slap myself. Cmon, Im sure it's against the law for you to come back and fuck with the past but if you're that into my life then you'd be the type of person to do it!

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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