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OMG I'll so lose readers n friends for this entry but really, wat u doin bein reader n friends with a drunk n e way? I'm such a bitch and I halfwAY drunkenly apologize for whatever thats worth.

yeah so my bday was a bust, drank a $6 bottle of whiskey to myself, which totally isnt mothin but after not drinkin for a month plus doin the system detox that day for the piss text, it was enuff. BTW I padded the test n got the job, start tomorrow @ 8am. Right now Im doin the $6 bottle again, am drunk already but will be sober within 20 mins thanks to the surg that took half my intestines and left me lookin totally hot but wit just the same amount of bullshit.

Woke up this AM with the blanket wrappen round my neck, nightmarin bout Scott choking me. Called county mental health services and they told me theres a three to four month waitin list. I asked about the ER at Clifton hospital and she told me that yes they got a Mental Health ER but that they mioght choose to keep me over the weekend. Seems that if you DREAM u killin urself it's ok but if you ADMIT to thought of suicide then they can keep u. Gotta know the limits so that I get as much help as I need w/o bein actually committed....

My birthday fucken sucked. Nothin like bein alone turnin 30. As everybody called it "dirty thrity" like there was anything dirty bout it. i got mother fuckers linin up takin number for "takin me out" yet when I call them they got scuses n shit as to why they cant do shit. Dawn, old 8th grade bff ditched me 4 my bday lasagna, just got round to makin spaghetti n cheese bread, havent really eaten any of it tho Cass has had 2 plates full plus one that landed on the kitchen carpet. Not that I blame her cuz Im drinkin again and she's been good for 2 year with not drinkin. Oughtta be watchin Ratatoullie wit Cassamamma but I dunno, fig I be a bad exampe right now.

Went to court for the speedin tik I got with Katelyn that last sunday, when I was taking her boyfriend hom to rochester and the babies were both cryin and I got nabbed passing a semi. Yeah I was speeding but they dont know what it was bout when I get home late (crackalacka o' me skull).

do u know what it;s like to go from food stamps to having hunnerd dolla bills all over the place to back to food stamps again? no NOT cool

came to a conclusion this mornin after the usual 5am nightmare that katelyn really wasnt to blame... that I been treatin and thinkin bout her wrong. She;s alot like I was back when I was 18. OK I was still a virgin and she's a fucken whore but I mean bein a product of he renvironemt. Her moms a high school drop out n makin pizzas in a gas station so of course its ok for her to think its ok to be workin in a gas station when ur 40... and her dad's a loser coke head that be doin line with teir daughter so why wouldnt she think its ok to be a 40 year old loser doin coke??? Of course shes a crack head pregant at 16 high school drop out slut, both her parents were! And of course shed try to play me outta my man, if I were an 18 year old unwed mother high school drop out coke addict I would SOOO try to steal my best friend's man who had money and a nice a car and some sense of stability.... she did exactly what I woiulda done when I was 18! aLSO i cant blame her for bein adventurous thrown shit to the wind sayin "whatever" to consequence, cuz thats what I do. She was born a slut, and raised a slut what else is she spozed to be other than an opportunistic slut? darwin would be mad proud of her. Except that all that evil work and mayhem still landed her fucken niggers and livin in a trailer. ANYWAY Im not bitter still not at all.

Did i mention I got the job and I start tomorrow. I swear I coulda passed the test w/o any help. Gonna stay drug free cuz of them sayin they hire me on permanently after 3 mos.

Dependin on my work schedule Im gonna go to the clifton mental helath ER tomorrow, mental health said that was the fasted way I could get meds, besides gettin med insurance and makin a real appmnt with a REAL psychiatrist. So I know what to say and most importantly what NOT to say... seriously need some meds... then we can leave the booze and the ty pm's behind, as well as the nightmares and flashbacks etc, and maybe we wont find out the answer to the question "just how many punmps does it take for a punp action shotgun to send buck shot thru my head at close range" seein all walmart sells is pump action and I get 20%... but I be dreamin this, its not for real or anything.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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