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I've been awake since 4:30 am. I was counting on going back to bed after Kevin went to work at 6am. He's sooo loud in the morning, and usually once I wake up I cant fall back asleep. But today I coulda gone back to sleep, only I have to work at 8 at the gas station. I already want to call in! We're slightly hung over from the post-court whiskey flavored memory eraser. Looks like things are going to trial. DA offered 1 year of probation and a disorderly conduct or criminal mischief or some kind of charge, but I told the public defender that I wasnt taking any pleas other than deferred adjudication. Katelyn actually came with him to court. I didnt think he would be there, thought that they would give him a different day/time to be there, something. I knew she would show, tho, to spy or whatever. I knew that ahead of time, but the whole time waiting for court to start (we got there at 2:45 court didnt start til after 4) AP was telling me that she'd show, trying to prep me for it (as if one can be prepped for trauma). I'm pretty sure she wore enough of my Red Door to make sure I'd smell it on her from across the room. My blood pressure tripled when he walked in though. We were in the 5th row back on the left side and they were three rows behind me across the aisle. My head was burning from their stare. Next court date I'm sitting in the back row. I didnt like that I couldnt see him, nervous and all. I felt very unsafe. Why does it affect me so much? Was I like this after Harlan? I wasnt facing charges after that, and there wasnt another girl involved, and I pretty much had a string of anonymous -one didnt even speak english- one night stands to forget him, but still why is this time so much worse when the actual beating wasnt as bad as Harlan? I'm still in survivor mode, looking over my shoulder at every noise, eyeing cars suspiciously... I'm afraid to walk to work and dont want to face customers today. Ive been jittery and crying since I woke up. The depression is really bad today. I want to watch Groundhog Day, I like to watch that movie when I get self-destructive. and also rereading Lon's entry about me helps too, cuz the heroin dreams are starting again. Whenever things get totally shit hitting the fan bad, as a last ditch effort the brain reverts back to safe-junky mode, the living-suicide, the walking dead... anyway these are the last words I ever "heard" from Lon, and it makes sense that he would leave them for me to find:
Most people don't know what its like to see someone you love dead from an OD.... You don't always get lucky and somehow they survive... "she caught me off my guard, amazes me the will of instinct..." Sometimes they don't come back. Try to live with that.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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