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"Anorexia: An eating disorder characterized by markedly reduced appetite or total aversion to food. Anorexia is a serious psychological disorder. It is a condition that goes well beyond out-of-control dieting. The person with anorexia, most often a girl or young woman, initially begins dieting to lose weight. Over time, the weight loss becomes a sign of mastery and control. The drive to become thinner is thought to be secondary to concerns about control and fears relating to one's body. The individual continues the endless cycle of restrictive eating, often to a point close to starvation. This becomes an obsession and is similar to an addiction to a drug. Anorexia can be life-threatening." That's the definition from Medterms.com. So it would seem that I am now officially anorexic.

BUT I still weigh over 200 pounds so you guys can go fuck yourselves. When I get this extra 30 pounds of skin cut off then I'll regain the 30 pounds Im losing to make up the difference. Also whenever I start to feel dizzy I eat something, usually I make myself a protein shake and take a bunch of vitamins. I'm a size 14 pants, well I most recently bought size 14s, and that was a month ago. I didnt think theyd fit yet and didnt bother trying them on, and I can get them off without undoing them. I fit into a size small tshirt also, not that I wear clothes that tight all the time, I just really liked the shirt and it was free, again I didnt think it'd fit me yet, but since my once vuluptuous DD breasts are now pancakes that flop out of a B cup, I can fit into shirts that small.

I didnt mention anorexia first, I do believe it was Jerico that asked if I'm eating enough and he was concerned about how obsessed I'm being with my weight loss. But then he didnt say "youre already hot start eating"... nor has he EVER told me that I look good or that Im pretty, or that he finds me attractive etc. I shouldnt need to hear it, and maybe I DON'T need to hear it, but it would be nice, and besides, it's good manners.

Pretty much the only calories I get are from the pot of coffee (w/ cream & hellasugar) that I drink from the time I wake up until the time I "pretend" to eat dinner with Jerico. He's catching on a little bit to my fake-eating cuz last time we had dinner at his parents' his mom made lobster bisque and seafood alfredo, knowing that I dont eat seafood (or rather SHOULD have known seeing we all went to Red Lobster and I was "forced" to taste everybody's food seeing they didnt believe there wasnt ANY seafood I liked) and she was a little peaved that I was only eating bread. Jer's dad said something after his mom walked away about me just having the alfredo noodles and I said that I would do that cuz I needed something to push around my plate so that Jerico thinks I'm eating. I guess he overheard from the bathroom & understood I wasnt just joking about not liking the food.

I eat sometimes. Like this morning I had a slice of whole wheat toast. And yesterday I had most of an 8oz skim milk protein shake before noon and then some big noodle soup at 6pm. Don't get me wrong, if we had good food I would definitely eat it. Like if someone showed up with a pizza I'd eat until I hurt. I havent been getting stoned and that was the only time I'd feel hungry and I'm pretty sure I dont actually ever feel hungry, and havent felt the Pooh Bear-like rumbly in my tumbly since the weight loss surgery. I think I eat out of habit, like I'm remembering getting the munchies or something. I even think about food trying to make myself want to eat and it doesnt work.

I know it's mostly a boredom thing. When I start working I'll have something else to do. I just need SOMETHING to control right now. And also we are very very broke and I'm in survivor mode yet again, I'm rationing out food, saving it for my loved ones. I got enough fat stored for now.

My OCD is developing nicely. I say this like it's good cuz it is good. It completely wipes out my Bipolar behaviors (god Im fucked up!). Speaking of which, I was thinking about going and cleaning the wreck of a trailer that this chick lives in whom I made out with at karaoke on saturday night. We were smoking a holiday bowl of some serious white widow (last time I got stoned), the shit was $75 an 8th. In case you're wondering, weed prices have gone up on average $10 an eighth to make up for gas $$ I'm sure. So what we all used to get for $40 an 8th (beasters mostly) is now at least $45 if it's your friend and $50 otherwise. Nugg can go for more than $50 especially if it's flavored and anything with a name is at least $60. They're starting to sell weed by the GRAM. It's fucking sad. ANYWAY, we were smoking some widow getting TORN and Jer and I were gonna leave. I could tell the chick was bisexual and I got out of the car to be polite and walk her back into the bar. She came over to Jerico's window to say goodnight to him and before he rolled it down I asked if I could kiss her in front of him. It started out just for show but it didnt end up that way. Later on Jerico said he could tell also. I started giggling a third of the way through the kiss cuz I realized that both of us were really getting into it and it was turning serious, she understood my giggle cuz she was feeling the same thing too, and that's when we started goin at it. Five minutes later I walked her back to the bar and she asked me if I had a dildo or a vibrator or something and I said "Uhh, yeah... I got something alright." (you should see my evil grin and hear me cackle right now).

Besides doing more flirting, I'm done with my house so now I want to help out that chick. Give my fantastic OCD-inspired organizational skills an outlet. She's a lot like me when I was with Lon, minus the 15 cats (plus or minus) that I had. The house is extremely messy, not dirty, and Im sure she knows exactly where eveything is. Plus I need to make some fucking friends. Time to lower my standards (god am I really this much of a bitch woah).

I was bored as shit last night, Greg has been seeing Cassidy more often now that I started bitching/pushing for him to do it. I clued him into the child support raise that I applied for two weeks ago. I told him that when I applied for medicaid for Cass that they made me ask for more support, which isnt true of ocurse but still I dont want to piss him off thinkin I'm "gold digging". I know it's bullshit to cater to him like that, after supporting HIM through my whole pregnancy and after, and him being in jail for 4 mos and not paying support for a year, then paying a whopping $25 a month recently. I dont know where his money goes but I do know it doesnt go to his daughter. He still thinks Im kidding when I tell him that he's supposed to be covering her medical insurance plus half of day care and half of all school costs etc, ontop of 17% of his income. Im not sure what he's making but I figure that $50 a week oughtta be affordable for him, and the $200 a month will really help. Though it wont cover daycare for me to start working... we'll see what the court decides he has to do.

OK I've been here for 2 hours and havent gotten anything done. Guess there's always tomorrow.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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