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forcing myself to write. I DONT WANT TO WRITE.

Friday night Jerico told me that his best friend Jody finally made a decision to give the two of them a chance, that he was breaking up with me to get into a serious relationship with her. He said he would have dropped anybody to be with her. He and I had a talk about her before we got serious. He never said "if at any point she decides she wants me, I will leave you in a heartbeat" which he should have said. Always the victim of bad timing, I swear if only I could improve my timing... I concentrate on getting thin and controlling the bipolar shit and the drugs n drinking... but really all I need to work on is my timing!

I dont want to write cuz then it's real... cuz it's still not real. Im still waiting for the "APRIL FOOLS!!" I'm still waiting to wake up.

We were talking Thursday night about how soon we could afford a house. I woke him up with a blowjob Friday morning. Saturday when he was giving me the "it's not you" speech he said that things were very good, especially the last month after our serious let's cut back on our drinking talk, the last three weeks have been nearly perfect, except that it wasn't with Jody, it was with you." So yeah...

You should see how shitty I look. My face is BRUISED from the crying. I have a rash on both cheeks from the tears. They're burning right now.

Needless to say I spent friday night drunk but it wasnt til saturday when I hit the self-destruct button. Snorted 40 mg of morphine in an hour sometime in the afternoon. When I came to alone around 11pm I went over to the Creek and my friend whose step dad who owns the bar was there, her boyfriend bartending. She asked who punched me, if I'd gotten into an accident or something, did the abusive boyfriend find me??? Besides still being in shock (I AM STILL IN SHOCK, like my vital signs are ALL FUCKED UP still) I told her what had happened and she started crying. I wasnt even crying until she did. She was always our bartender when we'd be there for karaoke on wednesdays. She was working the first time I heard his name when I said to her "Oh my god did you hear that name!", she's heard every sappy song he's sung to me, she overheard him say he was falling in love with me the very first time the L worrd was used... she knows how much I love him and how happy he made me. I wasnt wanting to drink, cuz I had been good about it for weeks, I only went over there to not be alone at home, but then she walked me up to her boyfriend and said "anything she asks for you give her, dont even write it down I will take care of my stepdad if he asks" He looks at me, sees SOMETHING happened, sees that his own girl has been crying... and asks me "What'll it be?" My reply? "I want a pint glass, 4 ice cubes and fill the rest with Jack." He looks to my friend and she goes "Make it happen, I said anything!" I had THREE pints of whiskey in an hour. ALSO I hadnt eaten since thursday night. PLUS the morphine. By the time Jerico got home (we will get to all that!) I was shotgunning foilies out of Logo's mouth in our bedroom. I didnt even remember the coke when I woke up in the morning. Till I saw the burn up tin foil on the dresser and a vision of my shotgunning from Logo. "How much coke did I do?" I asked Jerico. "We all got here at the same time so what I saw you do wasn't a whole lot but you asked me to get us some more and he never came back with our $20 worth." "Why'd you do that? You knew he wouldnt come back. Besides, you had to have known I was in a blackout..." "Well I wanted some too..."

He's not moving out until he leaves on vacation. That's 2 weeks away. He says "Things are looking up for me. I'm getting a considerable inheritance from my grandmother, which I can pay off a lot of my debt with. Then my mom is getting a huge settlement from a car accident and said she'd pay off my motorcycle. It looks like I'll have a house sooner than I thought." "I'm happy for you..." I said and Im sure he could tell it was empty (though I am happy for him, or jealous anyways, which realistically is about as happy as I ever get for anybody else's good fortune). He said "Good things will happen for you one day." which is what EVERYBODY who's ever hurt me has said in order to make themselves feel better about hurting me.

The initial "break up" was horrible. He FLIPPED OUT on me, I will always remember his eyes. Thats how I know this is real, I couldnt have dreampt the contempt in his eyes. He didnt mention Jody on Friday. Friday night he was living a lie and I needed to get the fuck out of his car. It was over, no this wasnt a joke, he was giving me $200 and moving out Saturday after the Wild Water Derby. Damn my memory, I'll remember those eys, black and beady full of fire. Theyre usually a soft brown, big and caring. Almost like Lon's but Lon's were ALWAYS sad. I saw Lon's eyes go black once too, when he tore my hoodie off of me. Those black eyes tore my heart in half. And Jerico's tore it into quarters. Fucking memories. I STILL can hear Lon begging me not to go, to stay and work things out, to stay and help him get shit together, to come home to him.

It's funny, cuz that's why Jerico is staying. He admitted he shouldnt have said what he said on Friday, that the break up coulda been better, that he was mean and didnt intend to be. At some point I made the comment "They never leave the day after the rent is due, it's the day before. And for that matter they always leave the fridge empty." and I think he thought about that. He realized how deep I was into him, which I thought he knew. And also how much I depended on him right now. I said to him "I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with you." he said he was only looking for someoone to have fun with, nothing serious, which I admit we both said VERY early on, like before we even slept together. He made it seem like he's been fighting this the whole time BUT it was HE that said the L word first. HE said "it's very important to me that you're not against having more children" I didnt ask him to move in, HE told me I should look for a nice big apartment.... Yesterday afternoon we lounged in bed recovering from the morphine. I was still feeling it and tho he only did three lines (a pill n a half to my 8 n a half) he has never abused opiates so it kicked his ass. Anyway we were in bed most of the day, talking. He said "I didnt ever really understand how much you worship me, I'm some sort of angel to you." he has no idea. If he sticks it out and helps me with what I need help with, he just might be my angel.... This morning on the way to taking him to work I said "Thank you for helping me. It's about time I'm left better off than they found me." I explained my belief of leaving things better than I found them, it's one of the few rules I follow, and you'll see me COMPULSIVELY stick to it. if I leave a public restroom I pick trash off the floor, if Im at a strangers house I at least empty their ashtrays or organize the shoes at the door... anyway the same goes for people I meet, they're better, one way or another, for knowing me. Not myself though, I'm wrung dry time and time again. Not this time, he promises. He's going to leave me better than he found me. Which shouldnt be that god damned hard all things considered.

We're SUPPOSED to be in separate rooms but my "excuse" is that there are hornet n wasps fighting for control of the window that the spar bed is up against. We need some hornet spray, Autopilot says Jerico will pick some up after work tonight. Mixed messages he's been sending me: After asking our friend to leave the room (the girl I kissed) He got fully naked in front of me saturday: he never really got naked in front of me before, we're both shy about our bodies, so what the fuck? Also the whole still sleeping in the same bed thing, he's not allergic to bees, I know he wants his own big bed but whatever he can be in that other room. Also twice yesterday I massaged him at his request. First time he was on the floor and I was stradling him. That lasted 15 minutes but I was getting way too horny and had to get off him (serious thoughts of tying him to the bed for one last time... but that would definitely end any sort of help and friendship he's promising) Second time he asked me to rub him down we were in bed together... well ok after putting Cass to bed he asked if I wanted to watch a movie in bed, I picked out Memento (he's never seen it and I'm on this rewriting memories thing right now, gonna be watching it a lot Im sure). I was getting us drinks and snacks, he was prepping the bed and packing a pipe, when I walked in with drinks he was shirtless all stretched out in bed. Any other night this would be my hint that i was getting some, cuz Jerico isnt naked unless there's a reason. He even gets redressed after sex. So why is he waiting in bed for me shirtless? A third of the way into the movie he asked if I'd rub his shoulders. So for the next hour and a half he laid back against me, between my legs my breasts for his headrest, me with a thousand pillows behind me, comfy as shit, we never laid in bed like that before, or sat like that in the big comfy chair (like how Lon n I used to sit in the black leather lounge chair), I rubbed his shoulders and neck and back til the end of the movie. As soon as the credits rolled, the tv went off and he rolled over, far far away from me. In the middle of the night I had a very bad dream and I rolled over, though I had my bubby around me so technically we werent under the same blanket... I flopped my arm over him and he flopped it back toward me and scooted as far over as he could. I said "It's ok to give you an hour long back rub but I cant throw my arm over you? We're not even under the same blanket." I didnt fall back asleep after that. "This isnt happening

The nightmares started already. Scott pummeling me, Katelyn and Jody and Sue raping me... goats and fire. Very weird shit. But that's to be expected not only from the break up but also one clear memory I had from the bar saturday night, the reason I walked out on the back deck and said to Logo "you need a place to do some shit?" was because there was a man being an asshole in the bar, he was giving his lady shit, then I ordered my third glass of jack and he started talking shit to me, then I looked him in the face to tell him off and instead I said "Are you Terry or Joe?" He looked confused but said "Joe, do I know you?" and I said "Your mother used to baby sit me and my brother. Dont you remember making him suck your goats dick and forcing us to watch your father's snuff film collection?" I said it QUITE loud. Then I walked out and smoked some coke -or so Im told.

At some point Saturday it seems my life turned into a motley crue backstage party... while I was snorting line after line of morphine Sue (the chick I made out with) was fucking herself with my double dong, BEGGING me to join her. I was still positive nothing was real, not a fucking second of my life since 10:30pm friday night has been real (Im gonna watch memento and eternal sunshine and work on life not being REAl ever ever again, Im the producer, director and writer, I am even an actor, but THIS IS NOT REAL). The whole scene was abnormal. Sue is attractive, dont get me wrong, but not as attractive as 40 mg of morphine. Her and I played around Friday night too, tho I was close to blackout by then. I met up with her at Driscolls, which is where jerico ended up too go fig. Within two hours of him exposing the black hole that ate my universe... I was smoking a bowl with him outside the bar. He wants to stay in my life. He wants to still come over and hang out. He wants us to chill at the bar and have our deep wonderful talks. He still wants to do things with Cassidy. I know this will last a month at best and he will fade into memory, a line from memento "I can't remember to forget you" just like it did with Geoff. I hope he comes around more than Geoff. I knew time was fleeting with G-love, he's another one that told me he loved me first. Anyway.

So anyway, Sue is madly in lust with me, but is madly in love with her husband. I think she got feeling guilty and told him about us fooling around friday n saturday cuz now she's standoff-ish. I might pop over there today and see what straight answers i can pick up with the little hairs on the back of my neck. It's odd, this is the first break-up where I havent had the urge to sleep around ASAP. Lon was the only other one I felt guilty about being with someone else after, besides all the other guilt I felt (feel) about him.

"I had so much fun with you Joey, I want that to continue as friends."

Cassidy just said "Mommy sad again?" "Yes, baby girl, Tik-Toe make mommy sad." "Well, we go to store and get new Tik-Toe!" it's the first smile to grace my face since that initial morphine rush.

There's SO much more to say but this is absolutely more than I wanted to share. It'll get positive soon. "And do you feel scared -I do, but I wont stop or falter. And if we threw it all away things could only get better."

OH, gary and Erin have been very helpful to me, Sue even (until the awkwardness) has been there for me, and Dawn as well. It's nice to realize I do have people that care, like people around me. I need Janet though, really really bad, If things dont work out for me to keep this apartment I'll be moving back to Ohio. Nothing good has ever happened in New York.

Please send me telepathic hugs, whoever you are.

Always remember to quit while you're ahead.

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